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to be a little disturbed?

(68 Posts)
lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 10:31:08

Have no idea whether im slightly over sensitive, a bit depressed at the minute and taking AD's so am quite willing to be told I am, however, I had an experience wherein my partner and I were in a local winebar having drinks and his ex was in the same place. We have made an effort to avoid anywhere where she is as its still quite raw for everyone, they have been together over 20 years and just finished last year (ive been dating him since last November, I think she believes that he left her for me, not true).

She was sitting somewhere in the bar (dont know where as wasnt paying attention, enjoying my nite out with boyfriend and friends). Boyfriend said he passed by her and she was actually sitting with her back to us with a group of male friends. She calls my boyfriend up a few days later to voice her objection to us being in a same winebar as her and also to tell him that I had walked past her to use the toilet 3 times and also to take a call outside once.

My boyfriend asked her how she could possibly know how often I went to the bathroom etc and it transpired that 2 of the men at the table were keeping her informed of what I was doing. These men are in their mid 40's, as is boyfriends ex.

I find this a bit creepy, its like every move I made was watched and commented on. Am I being unreasonable or over sensitive.

I have had no interaction with this lady, got a few nasty texts etc from her when I started dating her ex which I ignored, she was quite obviously upset at the time but this has really disturbed me.

I have male friends myself and I can assure you that none of them would be keeping tabs on any girl for me, its childish and a bit weird, or is it me?

Groovee Tue 02-Aug-11 10:37:20

It does sound very weird and stalkerish. It sounds like she's not fully over her relationship being over.

AMumInScotland Tue 02-Aug-11 10:38:30

Very childish and weird of her. Hopefully your boyfriend laughed at her when she told him?

If you find yourself in a bar with her again, how about going up to her group and keeping them informed of your every action next time, smiling and saying "You were so fascinated last time, I thought I'd better make sure you know I'm popping to the loo now! Wouldn't want you to lose count."

YouDoTheMath Tue 02-Aug-11 10:39:55

I think what's weird is her need to call your ex and give him a blow by blow account of what you were doing.

However, as you say, she thinks he left her for you, so she's probably hyper-sensitive to the situation and was a bit shocked to see you in the same place.

Still, I don't think there was any need for her to call your ex. Do they usually stay in touch?

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 10:48:51

Yes they do stay in touch, they have children together. I stay in touch with my ex for the same reason, I generally try to stay civil if I can.

I got a bit irritated with my boyfriend as I felt that he was trying to make out that I was being over sensitive to it. I have had issues with him trying not to "rock the boat" where arguments are concerned regarding her, trying to keep the peace etc.

His excuse for what she did is "perhaps her friends were letting her know you were in the bathroom so she wouldnt go at the same time". Sorry but that just does not ring true.

I would dearly love to call her and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable and that I dont wish to have any of her friends watching me on a night out. My own ex wouldnt do it!

I have somewhat of a sixth sense/gut feeling about things and this has made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 10:50:16

Amuminscotland you are very much a woman after my own heart but I know if I did that my boyfriend would tell me I was making a scene and that I should have ignored it. I think at times he finds me confrontational as I dont tolerate much nonsense generally

Finallyspring Tue 02-Aug-11 10:57:08

It's not perfect behaviour so I understand why you are annoyed.

However, they were together 20 years and had DCs together. Cut her some slack. No one behaves completely rationally in that situation. She's been through a very hard time and with children she probably doesn't go out that much. Seeing you on one of her rare trips out must have freaked her a little. It's not been your fault and rationally she probably knows that. But, that won't stop her feeling a bit freaked out by seeing you unexpectedly.

You all have to get on with each other as there are DCs involved. Just tell yourself she hasn't behaved that well, but leave it.

AgentZigzag Tue 02-Aug-11 11:01:26

You were out with this womans ex partner of 20 years, I think it's a bit unreasonable of you to expect her to not have any reaction at all.

Whatever the circumstances of the break up, she's hardly going to just switch off from being with the man for all that time.

You think her behaviour is childish and weird, but agree with muminscotland that you wouldn't think twice about being equally as childish and weird by going over to embarrass her in front of her friends.

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 11:02:47

finally part of me knows you are right but im so tired of the egg shell approach to her. She is very upset, I grant that, thats why I didnt respond when she contacted me.

She is actually very social and is out quite a few times per week, and has on occasion contacted my boyfriend to tell him that she is going to a particular place, ie Im going there so you cant. We have changed plans to accommodate that - which bothered me as I dont see how that can be sustained indefinitely. We have studiously avoided places to ensure we dont encounter her and therefore save her hurt.

It may be selfish of me but Im tired of feeling second place to her feelings, I have feelings of my own. Their marriage was in grave trouble for a long time, as was my own, it was right that mine ended and right that theirs ended from what I gather. It was unhealthy.

anyway, just feeling a little low about it all

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 11:25:42

agent i doubt very much herself or her friends would be embarrassed as they are obviously supporting her in this weird behaviour.

Amuminscotland suggested that I help his ex keep tab of my bathroom visits, not actually accusing me of being childish.

I fully expect her to have a reaction but surely her reaction should be directed at him - not me. I was with my ex since we were teenagers but I cant and wouldnt behave that way towards his new girlfriend. Certainly not if that lady would be around my children.

Boyfriends ex is in her mid 40's - her male friends who kept her informed are also that age - its unacceptable I believe to watch a stranger to such a degree that you can count how many times she passes you to use the loo!

SnapesMistress Tue 02-Aug-11 11:41:46

Break ups are hard, jealousy is hard. I have been jealous of ex's new partners even when I broke up with them and did not want them back. I think you could cut her some slack, she probably didn't want to look at you but at the same time would have been hyperaware that you were there and wanting to know exactly where. I can understand it but do agree that it is a little childish although not unacceptable to keep the tabs only to talk to your partner about it.

AgentZigzag Tue 02-Aug-11 11:46:50

I didn't mean amuminscotland was saying you were childish, I was saying you agreed with her suggestions, which would be similar behaviour to that which you're accusing this woman of.

This womans behaiviour was not weird or childish is what I was trying to say, it sounds totally normal in the circumstances.

But to be fair, you all sound like teenagers.

nickschick Tue 02-Aug-11 11:49:53

So from that shes assumed you have a weak bladder and are more interested in chatting to pals than being with your partner grin.....shes hurt and is being silly- rise above it.

Portofino Tue 02-Aug-11 11:50:27

Did you not think of leaving?

Catslikehats Tue 02-Aug-11 12:00:23

TBH if my dh left me after 20 yrs and was involved with someone else within a very short time frame and I found myself in the same bar as them on a night out I'm pretty damn sure I'd notice exactly what they both did.

I don't think that is particularly unusual and hardly stalkerish.

Damn sure I wouldn't give either them the satisfaction of knowing I gave s fuck though grin

Icelollycraving Tue 02-Aug-11 12:05:26

I think perhaps you are being over sensitive.
She clearly is still very upset he has moved on & met someone new after them being together for 20 years,that must be very painful,particularly if she believes (wrongly) you were instrumental in the demise of her relationship.
If I were in the friends position I may say ' she is coming past now' so that wasn't the time she turned around. I don't think they were being stalkerish but protecting their friend who is still clearly upset. It's not like they gave info on your movements when you didn't know they were there etc,maybe they thought you were making a point of walking past as some kind of snub,who knows?
Getting involved with someone generally involves their past 'baggage' & your partner has moved on fairly quickly so it is more fresh. I wouldn't recommend putting any pressure on him to put your feelings above hers,it's not a competition & if it is you have him so perhaps she is the one feeling like she is coming second?
Sorry if that sounds harsh but don't let this lady affect your relationship if it is good,its up to him how he handles her.

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 12:10:46

oh Agent please stop, there is nothing teenagerish about it - the woman had me watched in a pub - she is 45! come on now, thats not normal behaviour.

Porto we have avoided so many functions and social events in case she was there - that cannot continue, its not my fault that they split. There has to be a stage that enough is enough.

I agree though that she can keep all the tabs she likes but to actually call up my boyfriend and relay them back to him.

Whats weird about all this is that she seems more interested in me than in him, commenting on my clothes, hair, my age, the fact that I used to do a little modelling (not of the page 3 sort which is what she said to my boyfriend!). I do feel for her, I can as another woman understand, my ex has a new girlfriend but Im trying to remain civil and dignified - I cannot however rotate my life and relationship around her feelings. That is unfair

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 12:17:45

ice i can see what you are saying, to be honest though I didnt know where they were or who she was as I have never met her and havent seen any photographs etc.

You arent being harsh, you are being honest and I appreciate it. Apparently where she was sitting was beside the toilet so there is no way I could have avoided her anyway (apart from the fact she could have been 1 of 50 women in the bar that nite).

A friend of mine dated a man who was separated and she went along, met his ex, his children, they could sit and have a conversation, behave like adults - i have done the same with my ex and his new girlfriend. Its how adults behave I think

Catslikehats Tue 02-Aug-11 12:23:44

Come on! "had me watched in a pub" suggests some sort private ey stake out with her crouched in the back seat of a car whilst her friends donned dark glasses and false noses.

She observed you while you were in the same venue. Unless you are suggesting she went there deliberately knowing that you and your partner were going to be there you need to get a grip

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 12:28:03

Yes - had me watched is exactly what Im saying!! - I couldnt tell you how often my friend who was with my that nite went to the loo so Im damn sure its wrong for my boyfriends ex to have that information about me.

By the way - she knew well we were going to that venue as she had sent a message to my boyfriend telling him that she would be there, ergo we shouldnt be!!!

Normal people do not go to their exes and say - ur girlfriend had 1 telephone call and pee'd 3 times!

Its laughable and so pathetic to be honest.

AgentZigzag Tue 02-Aug-11 12:32:31

That's exactly what I was about to type TheQueen grin

OP and all her friends apparently act like adults, but she can't extend that behaviour to try and understand what this woman might be going through.

Why do you see ice as being honest OP, but when I am you tell me to stop?

ShirleyKnot Tue 02-Aug-11 12:35:10

It all sounds very childish to me.

All of it.

I'm including your boyfriend telling you what she was texting him. A grown up would just ignore it and put it down to (possibly understandable) hurt feelings.

Lonnie Tue 02-Aug-11 12:36:35

OP yes its a bit odd and it shows she is not over the relationship but that is all it shows.

if you allow it to upset you and get all worked up about it then yes it becomes something teenage like.

So rise over it it will slowly get better. All she has done right now is count your toilet trips.. I mean you coul dhave had a full blown jealous fit from her.

lastroseofsummer Tue 02-Aug-11 12:40:11

I told you to stop as i felt you were narking at me to be honest. Would you like to have a stranger watch you when you are out?

i dont like to be watched, end of story no matter who is doing the watching and it obviously disturbed him too else why tell me.

Just fyi - i have now spoken to a few friends about this and unanimously they have ALL said that it is just plain weird to do that!

i too have come out of a marriage break up but i havent lose leave of my senses or dignity!

ShirleyKnot Tue 02-Aug-11 12:46:39


It's one of those AIBUs

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