to think she should have been better prepared for us to stay?(28 Posts)
Am on holiday in the US at the moment. My friend offered to let me stay with her during our time here as my mum's house is to small. We are here for four weeks.
Friend (M) had known for ages when we were coming. On the night of our arrival the rooms we were staying in weren't even clean and the beds weren't even made or in one room the beds were none existent. We also found out on the night of our arrival that someone else (J) was staying with her too. So we were dead tired and had to make beds, and mattresses brought up from the basement. I think I am sleeping in the bed on the sheets J had been sleeping in before our arrival and DS2 is sleeping on sheets previously occupied by M's DD.
Tonight I find out that S's DD needs her room back as she is going back to school in a weeks time, which means that DS2 has to move out of the room. (M's DD had been sharing a room with her DB). Now DS4 will have to move in with me. (DS1 has been staying with my mum because he wouldn't cope with M's house - I don't have words to describe the chaos/mess this house is in - M doesn't appear to do any housework or throw anything away. There are still baby clothes with price tags on that she bought for her DCs lying around. The DCs are 14 and 10.
AIBU to want to find somewhere else to stay? AIBU to think that M could have made an effort to tidy up just a bit? Or am I an ungrateful friend?
Yes you should move elsewhere.
Yes you are ungrateful.
tbh, I think you either pay for a hotel or muck in where you are.
I wouldn't mind having to make my own bed if I wasn't paying for it.
I think you are wrong to expect to be a 'guest' for 4 weeks when your friend is doing you a favour.
You should have arrived with the attitude of expecting to muck in, do things for yourself, make up your own beds, and help your friend with housework etc. She obviously finds it a bit much to keep on top of. I hope you have made a financial contribution, and arrived with lovely gifts etc.
4 weeks is a bit of an imposition, especially if there are 5 or 6 of you.. maybe you should look for a cheap motel to stay in
I think if someone offers to put you up for 4 weeks, the least they can do is warn you that you will have to help out if they can't be arsed to do it themselves.
Frankly, if I had friends coming in late in the day, I'd make sure their beds were ready to be slept in. Obviously no one else here would but since she offered to have you stay it's the least she could have done.
The other people staying, well, that might have been late arrangements - but since you are not finding it comfortable staying there then yes, find somewhere else to stay.
Whinging about the standard of her housekeeping is ungrateful - as a friend, you should be able to take her as you find her without judging.
Take it as a lesson learnt and go and stay in a motel.
Doesn't sound like much fun.
You don't sound happy, possibly she is finding that the house guest situation is wearing thin too, so I think maybe time for a polite, "we have inconvenienced you enough, you have been kind enough as it is" after you find somewhere else to stay, and a nice gift for her to soften the exit and keep it all friendly.
I really do think staying with other people is a false economy unless you are one of those who can just go with the flow and take it as it comes.
I can't do it, so if for some reason I can't stay with my sister (where I am very happy to be), then it's a hotel or B&B. Rather a shorter trip due to additional expenses than one where I'm feeling put out and fed up because of accommodation issues. Especially if trying to make a saving means you run the risk of offending or hurting the feelings of somebody who has been generous and you don't want to fall out with.
If you've been arm twisted into staying with her rather than choosing it, you have all my sympathy. Buckling under the weight of extreme insistence I stayed with my brother ONCE. Damn near froze to death cos my then tiny baby and I were in an unheated room at Christmas. Worst trip to the UK I have ever had, but every time I tried to politely wriggle out of staying (was desperate to go to my sister's with her and BIL) I just got six tonnes of pressure to stay of the "we are DELIGHTED to have you, not inconveniencing us AT ALL !! Won't HEAR of you leaving"
Thank god it was a short trip.
It was never repeated.
bucking the trend, yanbu, except on the moving around rooms part, yabu on that. I have slept on sheets recently vacated by friends, but I didn't mind & I wouldn't expect other people to go along with it so easily.
I couldn't imagine not having beds ready for guests personally, but at the end of the day your friend is doing you a massive favour so if you are expected to pitch in then that's how it goes.
I do find your tone pretty ungrateful though, you seem pissed off that you have to share a room with one of your children - unless your friend has a mansion I would have thought that you could hardly expect not to have to share. There is NO way that I would have anyone to stay for four weeks tbh, I think that people either need to budget for accommodation or accept that they can't afford the holiday. I think if you want to maintain this friendship you need to find somewhere else to stay and accept that you have different standards/priorities.
I think I would have expected the beds to be in place even if they weren't made up if I was arriving somewhere late in the evening after a long journey. If I had guests I would want them to be comfortable and would be aware that they would be tired and need to go straight to sleep.
That being said she is doing you a favour and it sounds like you have very different standards of household cleanliness. If she's a hoarder then she probably wouldn't think to tidy up as that level of mess will be acceptable to her.
You should be grateful obviously but the house does sound a mess (that depends on standards though). Although if she really never does any housework and never throws anything away then it must be like a crazy manky house!
Maybe she is planning on selling the baby clothes?
I couldn't have 5 people to stay for four weeks, and we have 4 spare bedrooms.
Two or three people for a weekend is plenty for me. Any longer than that and I get twitchy
YABU and ungrateful.
She is offering her home to you (generously for 4 weeks!) not a hotel and if her standards are like that normally then why should she make any extra effort whilst you're there?
If you want a hotel and be treated like a hotel guest then go and stay in a hotel. Otherwise muck in and stop being so judgy.
I have friends who are always prepared for guests to stay for any timespan. Their rooms are always clean and tidy and guests are well looked after, due mainly to the fact that they're running a B&B and their guests pay for the service.
YABU - if I have guests I try to ensure the house is ready for them. But I wouldn't necessarily expect that other people would be ready for me.
It sounds like your expectations are just not the same as hers - that doesn't make either of you wrong, it's just one of those things that happens when you stay with other people. It was kind of her to offer to have you there when she doesn't really have the room. But she was clearly assuming you'd all muddle along somehow, rather than having planned through the details of how to make it work.
I'm a bit like you, I'd not offer if I hadn't worked out the detail and been able to get all set up before you arrived. But some people are bigger on generosity than on planning, which is just part of life's rich tapestry.
If you can't stand it, thank her for her generosity, apologise for having been so much trouble, and find a motel. Or offer to help with the housework, and suck it up!
If this was a hotel, then you would NBU at all. But since this is a friend who is putting up you, your DCs and her own DCs for 4 weeks for nothing, YABVU.
If you were my guest I would try and be more accomodating, but if she's got other priorities and pressures, then you are an adult and can sort yourself and your DCs out! Why should it all be down to her?
I like to be prepared for houseguests, however you have to accept that some hosts have a 'just crash anywhere' approach. You do sound a bit ungrateful given that there are four of you staying for several weeks and your mum is nearby.
At the moment we have a spare bed which is always made up, plus I do a quick tidy and put out towels etc. If I am feeling particularly hospitable I might put some tissues and a clothes hanger or two into the room. There is also a spare hairdryer for guests to use!
When we used to have a sofabed or airbed I might not have set it out (no room) but would probably just put out some clean bedding for guests to put on themselves.
I am going to buck the trend here and say that you are not, in fact, totally unreasonable.
If someone invites you to stay, then it matters that you feel welcome to stay.
Not cleaning the room, not preparing a bed, not HAVING a bed, having other people also, telling you that someone else will be needing the room ...
All smacks of someone who is 'putting up with you' rather than 'putting you up'
Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I would rather not stay at all than stay with someone whose behaviour was indicating that it was all a bit of a pain having me there.
In your shoes, OP, I'd go to a hotel.
I think it's a bit yuck to sleep on unwashed sheets previously used by a stranger.
Apart from that I'd say YABU. 4 weeks is a long time to have people staying and your friend has been very generous making that offer to you.
I would try to make up beds for guests, but if I ran out of time, I wouldn't expect them to go online to complain about it
Maybe they are less tidy / organised than you. Their house. Up to them.
I'm afraid that the bottom line is if you accept someone else's hospitality you do so on their terms. Yes its a bit yuck having to sleep on someone else's used sheets and having to make up your own beds after (presumably) long flights isn't what you want. That would piss me off a bit. But if being in control of that sort of thing is that important to you, you need to sort out your own accomodation. Four weeks is a long time to have a family holed up with you and your friend is making a significant sacrifice. Either accept it with as much grace as you can manage or ship out.
Why offer if you don't even try to make people comfortable?
I must be getting really old, but I actually think to treat guests like that is plain rude.
It doesn't have to be hotel-standard accommodation, but beds ready and clean bathrooms would be the least that should be done.
It wasn't the OP's request after all!
Years ago we stayed with some friends with our eldest ds - we were there longer than anticipated almost 6 weeks.
Whilst we were there I did what I thought was a fair share of cooking/cleaning/shopping (as well as paying money each week) and although there were a few tense times it wasnt so bad......
When we moved into the house we'd been waiting to be ready her Dh came to visit and actually said to dh - we really miss you lot, wed never had an empty ironing basket or paired socks and dw hoovers and dusts once a week nickschick does it every day -even the kids miss you ...so if you ever want to stop with us again your more than welcome .
I wonder if you and she didn't miscommunicate? A lot of my American friends constantly invite me to stay with them 'if you're ever passing Florida/Minneapolis/wherever'. They don't really mean it. I get the impression its a bigger part of American culture than, say, British, to invite people to stay. Maybe she feels backed into a corner that you took her invitations too literally? I think also, because there seems to be that culture of inviting people to stay a lot, guests are less formally treated than you might treat your guests.
I think you just have to chalk it up to experience, accept she just doesn't have the space/time for you really, thank her and find a motel.
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