to think my babsitter is a thief?

[macdoodle]

:(:(
I work one evening a week. A neighbours 18yr old babysits for me every week. She is a nice girl, friendly, the kids like her. She is not brilliant at getting them to bed but I can live with that for one night.
I have noticed though that a few little things are going missing, perfume, make up, few pounds out of DD1's purse.
At first I didn't think anything of it. But it is starting to stack up. The day after she has gone, I notice the odd little thing missing and not found after a good search.
One was my best perfume, a large expensive bottle (£50) :(
I mentioned it to her by the way, saying perfume and some make up had gone missing, and had she seen it when she put the girls to bed. She shrugged and said she'd look around for them.
I am pretty sure its her. Had a word with a friend of mine (who is also friendly with neighbour), and apparantly this was an issue at her grandmother's and caused some family fall out.
What to do? It will be my word against hers if I talk to her mum and may create some bad feeling. I have a new babysitter lined up, do I tell her why I don't want her back.
Actually I feel sorry for her, lots of issues with her mum and dad (divorced) and her stepdad. Troubled girl I suspect. But I can't have a thief in my house looking after my children can I.

[whackamole]

I'm a bit of a coward and probably wouldn't confront her about it. But I certainly would fire her before the next time she is due!

[TheJazzCat]

mac that is tough. I wouldn't give her a reason - I'd just ring her and say your circumstances/ plans are changing, and you won't need her for the next little while. Then just quietly drop it.

I think you are good to be concerned about her, and the only thing you can do is get her out of your house without fuss. She will know why. It might make her think if she was depending on the cash.

[bananasplitz]

this happened to me

found out after she left that she had nicked half my CDs plus money!

also saw report in the paper months later that she had been done for shoplifting

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

You have already asked her about it, in a roundabout way. When you now tell her that you have made alternative arrangements - she will know. whether you say it out loud or not, she will know.

Whether she will care is another matter.

[thisisyesterday]

I just wrote a reply saying that I'd tell her you don't need her any more and leave it at that.

but yo know what? i think you SHOULD tell her why you don't want her there any more.
you don't have to say "you're a thieving little bint", you can just say "X, I've noticed that each time you babysit things go missing. I am aware that it may not be you, but I'm afraid that at the moment I am not happy for you to continue coming. I have another babysitter due to start looking after the children and so I'm afraid I don't need you to look after the children any more"

if she has been stealing she needs to know that she has been caught and that there are consequences.
otherwise she will believe that you just don't need her and go along on her merry way thinkiing that people never notice and nicking whatever she likes

[spiderpig8]

Thisisyesterday -'if she has been stealing she needs to know that she has been caught '
But she hasn't been caught, has she? Although the OP is sure she's been stealing, she doesn't have any proof .You can't go round accusing people when you don't know for sure!! I once thought my cleaner who also did ironing for must have burnt a very expensive top because I couldn't find it any more.Only months later i found it had slipped down the back of a chest of drawers.And once you think one thing has gone missing you start imagining allsorts. For example I very much doubt the OP checked her DDs purse just before she went out and again straight after she'd come back in. and how does she know her kid hasn't taken the money out herself, ditto moving the make up and perfume.I am not saying this is what happened-just that it is a posssibility.
I am a bit why her friend didn't warn her about the babysitter before , if she had really heard the girl was a tea leaf.Some bloody friend!
I would just not ask her again

[porcamiseria]

I bet it is her, teenage girls are terrible tea leafs (I should know), and the evidence does stack up. but tell her, no biggie, but she needs to know, as she needs to stop before she gets charged

[Jux]

You have to tell her. You also have to ask her for your things back, ESP the perfume. You could also point out to her that you could report her to the police, you know she's already been in trouble for thieving and that she must replace everything immediately.

She's 18. She's an adult. She can't carry on like this.

[thisisyesterday]

spiderpig... IF it was her, she will know she has been caught. or perhaps i should have said "noticed"... lets not argue over semantics

only she knows whether she has taken the things. and if the op just pretends she doesn't need her any more she will think she's got away with it and carry on.
if the op confronts her and says that she isn't comfortable having her in the house as things keep going missing then she WILL KNOW that she has been "caught" even if the OP has no proof.

[DontAskMeSums]

You could tell her the truth. Things have gone missing and until you get to the bottom of it, you are not having other people in the house. If she makes a fuss, tell her that you want to avoid pointing the finger of suspicion until you find out the truth. You are not directly accusing her but if it is her, she'll get the message.

[spiderpig8]

But what if she really hasn't taken the things..unlikely, but possible.It would be a dreadful thing to wrongly accuse a young girl?

Porcamiseria-'teenage girls are terrible tea leafs '
What a dreadful thing to say!Would you say that about any other demographic? Black people all steal? Lesbians all steal? I was a teenage girl once and I most certainly never stole

[thisisyesterday]

but she isn't accusing her.

which bit of my original bit is accusing her? the bit where it says "i'm aware it may not be you" ?

dontaskmesums has a good one though. if it isn't her, then yes I am sure she'll feel a bit pissed off... but she'll get over it.
the fact of the matter is that every time she babysits things go missing, and it is NOT unreasonable of the OP to point this out and tell her she no longer wants her staying there

[ScarlettIsWalking]

The things going missing are things a young girl would like ie perfume. It must be her.
I would leave something tempting out and then notice it's missing when she is actually there. At least if you catch her red handed it will be easier to let her go.

[IvyAndGold]

Could you tell her mum that you are concerned, but not 100% accusing her, so could she just keep her eye out for x, y and z in the girl's room or around the house. But still, I wouldn't be asking her again unless I was completely confident in her.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Scarlett, not sure about deliberate entrapment of an 18yo

Ten to one it is her, but you don't actually know for sure. When I was a kid we had an admittedly terrible babysitter and blamed something really expensive we kids broke on her Is there any way at all your DD spent the money herself, that the other stuff is just mislaid, etc?

It's unlikely but until that happens I'd just tell her that you need to let her go - if she starts pushing for reasons maybe mention the missing items, but without direct accusation.

[thisisyesterday]

oh yes, deliberate entrapment of an adult is so much worse than nicking things from someone you're babysitting for isn't it?

you could say that you're so concerned about things going missing that you've set up hidden cameras in all the rooms lol

[alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants]

Ditto what velveteenrabbit suggests.

[saladsandwich]

could she be having friends in while youre out? x

[macdoodle]

Update
So things continue, and I suspect the odd things have continued to go missing. Last week I purposefully left an almost full bottle of perfume (quite and expensive one but one I don't like) in full view on my dressing table.
And low and behold it went the night she babysat :(
She also managed to spill a whole bowl of cocoa pops on my settee, needing the big job of taking all the covers off, washing,drying and squeezing back on. An accident in itself but one she didnt think to tell me about or apologise. And no it wasnt either of my children.
So I am certain she is a thief and am now angry. I have lined up a new babysitter to start in October. I need her to do one more night, then she is history.
How to do it, sit down and tell her why, just tell her I dont need her anymore, text, email?
I intend to have a word with her mother, as she is only just 18 and living at home still.
My sister (who is a police detective) thinks I should report her to the police just to scare her and make her realise the serious implications of what she has done.
She has nicked at least £100 worth of stuff I am certain of :(

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

The first question the police would ask is - why still have her as your babysitter if you are convinced she is stealing from you.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I mean - I know you have lined someone else up from October - but you have continued to use her services until now, and plan to this one last time.

I think, since you have no actual proof, (although it looks like it's her, doesn't it? I'd be amazed if it wasn't), that you can't call her a thief.

Do you have to say anything? How do you work it? Is there a regular day or do you just call her and ask her? Could you just not call her again? If she contacts you, then you can tell her that you have made other arrangements.

Or you could go to her and say that have all gone missing while she has been babysitting, and with that in mind, you don't want to use her again.

[macdoodle]

Oh I have no intenton of going to the police, I have no proof, but no doubt in my mind at all.
I haven't had much choice but to keep using her. It is a regular once a week evening, I do a regular evening work shift which I cannot cancel.
I will have to actually cancel the relationship ie fire her. I think I will just send a simple text or just say I dont need her anymore.
I intend to tell her mother why, I think she needs to know (as I would want to if it was my DD). I also dont want her telling tales that I have let her down etc.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

How do you think the mother will take it?

Not that that should stop you, but you'll obviously need to plan for every possible reaction!

[gillybean2]

IF you have to have her again tell her you've put hidden security cameras up in various rooms and you're just warning her so she is aware that she will be filmed while in the house.

But really don't have her there again.

And you don't need to say anything to her as to why. Just say we're using someone if she does ask, you don't need to say why. If her mother asks tell her your suspicions if you feel you need to. Babysiter will likely deny it and blame your dc/someone else.