To be feeling really bitter about DH causing me constant broken sleep?

[BigFishTinyFish]

For as long as I can remember DH has always got out of bed at least twice during the night to go to the toilet, sometimes as much as 4 times. I'm a light sleeper so ALWAYS wake up when he does but he doesn't even TRY to be quiet. The other night for instance I woke up when he got out of bed, drifted straight back to sleep and then was awoken 5 minutes later by him rummaging around in the bedroom for an asthma inhaler as he "felt a bit wheezy". One time I was startled and woke up to hear him saying "oh for fucks sake", I asked what he was doing and he said "looking for my phone". This was something like 4am in the morning (he uses the phone as an alarm clock). I drifted off back to sleep and then the bedroom light went on so he could continue looking for the bloody thing. Its every night. For the past year I have suffered constant broken sleep because of him.
Last week he worked nights and I had the first night of unbroken sleep in years. I felt amazing the next day and realised what I'd been missing out on for so long. The whole week went by where I actually looked forward to going to bed and felt great upon waking.
Last night was the first night we were back in the same bed. We went to bed at 11pm. He woke me up at 12.15 by knocking his glass off the bedside table - followed by lots of loud whinging and moaning from him that the bedside tables were too high for the bed. I drifted off back to sleep and was awoken again at 2am by him going to the toilet. I drifted off back to sleep and was awoken again at 4am by him saying very loudly "WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?? DID YOU HEAR IT?" so I said "No, I was woken up by you, again." so he said "well I can't help it if I can hear something, can I." I drifted off back to sleep until he shouted "THERE!! DID YOU HEAR IT??" so at this point out of sheer frustration I shouted "NO JUST SHUT UP! OTHER PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP! SHUT UP!" so he shouted "DONT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!" so I shouted back "FOR FUCKS SAKE, LET ME SLEEP, PLEASE!" so he slung the covers off and went storming downstairs. I drifted off back to sleep eventually only to be woken up again by him getting back in bed and saying "must've been a cat outside or something".

This morning I overslept. Missed the bin men, feel like shit and have been snapping at the DCs all day because I am so tired. I know this is wrong but last night I could honestly see myself getting violent with him. It irritates me and annoys me much I just want to hit him. I can't sleep on the sofa as I have a bad back and we have no spare beds.

[bananasplitz]

a) separate rooms
b) do the same while he is on nights

[thestringcheeseincident]

that sounds dire.
could you wear earplugs/facemask thing?
or if not do you have a spare room you could decamp to every now and then to get a full night's sleep?
My husband was similar, plonks about in the night, but I just told him he was too noisy and he has really tried to tiptoe around.

[whoneedssleepanyway]

what banana says

[squeakytoy]

earplugs :)

[stupefy]

Earplug are your friend.

My husband is a noisy oaf in bed. Without earplugs he'd be under the patio by now.

Tesco earplugs are 6 for 50p or something :)

[Niecie]

That sounds really crappy. It would drive me mad too. I would have wanted to clobber DH too. In fact most of the time I sleep in the spare room because of his snoring but he also gets up every night as well. Having our sleep disturbed is the pits isn't it?

I know you must be through fed up with your DH but have you tried have a calm conversation in the day time about his nocturnal behaviour? Is he like this during the day (clumsy, unable to find anything or worse still inconsiderate) or is it just that the night time magnifies his behaviour so that it seems worse.

If he is generally inconsiderate then I doubt you are going to change him but maybe he doesn't realise how unfair he is being at night and if it is pointed out to him calmly in the cold light of day without getting annoyed he might think about what he is doing.

[AgentZigzag]

That is really strange behaviour, why does he feel the complulsion to keep you awake all night

Really, really weird and nasty.

Is he totally awake when he's doing it? If he is then he is, in effect, torturing you!

I would stay up one night, all night, and keep waking him up after he's just drifted off.

Prick.

[issey6cats]

simpathise completely my husband has fibromyalgia so he dosent sleep well , he twitches in his sleep due to his muscles throbbing, hes fast asleep and its me he wakes up and usually half an hour to get back to sleep for me, theres times especially when im at work early that i could cheerfully strangle him but theres nothing i can do about it, so though i do mutter at him loud enough to wake him up hes fast asleep five minutes later and im left seething

[RevoltingPeasant]

YANBU. You can't sleep on the sofa, but he can.

Seriously, I am normally fine with DP in the same bed (in fact, it is quite nice :) ), but recently have had an operation and just cannot get to sleep unless I'm on my own propped up in a particular position - I go to our spare bed. It makes so much difference.

I would seriously talk to him about this - not at night - he sounds quite arsey when he's just woken up, but if you catch him in a better mood, can you explain how this is affecting you? Then ask him to help you find a solution, like

a) he sleeps on the sofa
b) you invest in a spare bed, even just a pull-out
c) you get some counselling - really, it does sound that bad!

[fatfingers]

Have you spoken about how this is affecting you? What does he say? Sounds like he is having sleep problems if he is waking up so many times every night and he's then trying to make sure you are suffering with him. Have you got a spare room that you could put a bed in?

[RevoltingPeasant]

Agent - you're not joking!! Sleep deprivation is a form of torture....

[lashingsofbingeinghere]

There is no answer to this unless he will admit he's being a selfish arse and buy you a proper sofa bed. You might be able to find one on ebay etc.

I would say you are not a light sleeper, but your DH is. You slept soundly all week when he wasn't there - true light sleepers typically wake up throughout the night.

I would get him to the doctors to check why he needs to pee so often and why he also seems to find it hard to sleep for longer than a few hours at a time. He is the problem, not you!

[MrsKwazii]

Yep, earplugs and/or separate rooms. Have you ever spoken to him about the constant disturbances in the night and how it's affecting you?

Also, how old is he? Going to the loo a few times every night could be worth mentioning to your doctor - or is it caused by a medical condition?

I do think you're being a bit mean having a go about him looking for his asthma inhaler though.

[SayItLoud]

He sounds immensely inconsiderate. If it were something out of his control (like my dp's snoring, which also drives me mad even though it's not his fault!) it would not be so bad, but he is being deliberately careless of your needs.

Why does he need to talk, crash around, comment on bedside tables? He needs telling VERY firmly, in the daytime, just how much it affects you, and just how rude he is being. No late drinks, so less night weeing (toddler-style!), no talking, find what he needs for the night before you are asleep, etc.

Is he an inconsiderate knob during the day too?

[HPonEverything]

Wow that sounds awful, especially the 4am screaming match! YANBU, I should count myself lucky I just have to deal with snoring, and he happily plods off to the spare room if I ask him to.

My advice:

a) Get so hammered that you just pass out and nothing will rouse you
or if that's not an option
b) ear plugs - the light will wake you in the morning anyway, or if you're worried it won't then get one of those Lumie alarm clocks that simulates daylight and bleeps loudly as well.

[fanjobanjowanjo]

Get a sofa bed for the lounge and put him on it. Get his pee problem checked out.

It is NOT unreasonable to feel murderous at the sleep deprivation - i get it with my DP snoring, twitching and moaning. I have gotten up in the morning and just burst into tears I was so tired. He also overheats and in turn overheats me, and he never wakes up at all, not even when he gets a sharp elbow! Best solution I've found is to boot them out to sleep elsewhere every so often, just make sure its comfortable so you don't feel too mean.

[AgentZigzag]

The half joking bit was because torture has intent behind it RP, but then he is doing it on purpose, if it were my DH there's no way he'd be waking me up on and off all night.

And not just for the reason that he'd get something thrown at him if he did, but because he wouldn't want me to have to go through the same as him.

I can't believe the OPs DP has the gall to get shitty with her when she tells him off for it!

[GeneralCustardsHardHat]

We are having similar problems, i can't sleep due to fibromyalgia and when I do fall asleep I fidget but on the other hand dp snores like a steam train and also fidgets, he also is up and down through the night too. Yet he never seems tired! I'm exhausted.

Our solution has been to get a sofa bed in the front room and he stays on that if i'm extremely shattered (usually once a week or so) it's stopped the fights and its stopped the sleep deprivation.

[RevoltingPeasant]

I know! I get quite uppity when I am woken at night, but then it's me being woken - and I usually keep it very civil.

IME earplugs don't really work. Try them, but they don't keep out DP's snoring.

[Jux]

You need to talk to him about it when it's not in hte middle of hte night. He's being a bit of an arsewipe and bloody selfish too. DH used to be the same but after a few arguments and then a reasonable conversation during daylight hours he got better. A bit. Mind you, he sleeps in another room now and we're both better sleepers!

[Grumpla]

He sounds like a wanker. Being woken up by accident is one thing, but waking someone up on purpose is WELL out of order!!!

My DH is a very restless sleeper and loud snorer, he is always VERY apologetic if I tell him he's woken me up and tries to let me lie in when possible to make up for it. That is why I am still with him. If he behaved like your DH he would be out on his ear.

[Salmotrutta]

Well, the stumbling around and switching lights on is very selfish if he is fully awake when doing this - my DH sometimes sleepwalks so often gets up randomly.
But the toilet visits in the night could be prostate trouble - this needs to be checked and he can't help it if it is prostate problems.
Have a proper discussion about it and get him to the doctors - possible prostate problems should always be investigated.

[manicbmc]

Was just going to say that. It's not normal to be up to the toilet that much during the night. Get him referred to a sleep clinic as well.

[coastgirl]

His waking up probably he can't do anything about, but he can minimise the disruption for you. I'm pregnant and I know I am disturbing DH at night going to the loo, turning over to get comfy and sometimes sitting up due to heartburn, but even though I can't help it, I still try to do those things quietly - for example I don't switch the light on when I go to the toilet, I try to creep out of the room and generally be as quiet as possible. And if he comes to bed when I'm already asleep he will undress in the dark and slip into bed without disturbing me. That's just common sense, surely. I would have been a screaming harpy years ago if I had to put up with your DH!

[fluffyanimal]

Sounds like he needs a visit to the GP, not just about the frequent peeing but about being such a light sleeper in general, it sounds almost like insomnia - him being spooked by tiny noises etc. I second the suggestion to get him referred to a sleep clinic.