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H 'willing' to put himself out for other people, but not for us/me.

(14 Posts)
drcrab Mon 01-Aug-11 09:49:15

A good friend is getting induced today, and as they (like us) have no family around, they've asked if we'd take their DS to nursery today if they dropped him off by our house. There was also talk of their DS staying overnight tonight etc. That's not going to happen now because another family's going to help out tonight, so we're not going to have their DS.

When it was initially thought that we would have their DS (together with our own DS and DD), H said that he'd leave work early and go to nursery to pick all 3 kids up and basically help me otherwise, I'd be at home with 3 kids till he gets home at 7.30.

Now that their DS isn't coming along it'll be an 'ordinary' day with me picking up our own kids etc. The problem is, this morning I woke up feeling really ill (throat vv sore and painful, high fever, body aches, had been going on for the last couple of days), so asked whether he'd still be able to leave work early to come home at 6pm so that I won't have to deal with the 2 kids by myself, being ill.

And his response was silence...and then a 'um, er...ok, maybe I can ask to leave early'.... which completely pissed me off. Generally, a sense of huge reluctance on his part.

It's as if it's ok for him to leave work early (without having even asked permission!) if it was because our friend's son was staying over, but because it's his poor sick wife, he won't!!!!

I'm so angry. He's done this several times - never left work early for my account or for his children's account... but would do for others.

LadyThumb Mon 01-Aug-11 10:10:29

Obviously he now sees it as an 'ordinary' day, and you are expected to cope with 'ordinary days' no matter what! But when he catches it off you, don't wait on him hand and foot while he is in bed feeling ill (in fact, go out for the day and leave him with the DCs).

diddl Mon 01-Aug-11 10:38:38

Well, he wouldn´t have been doing it for the others, would he-he would have been doing it to help you look after your own 2 & another one!

But if you´re ill of course he should come home if possible.

Whatmeworry Mon 01-Aug-11 10:54:46

It is probably far more justifiable in the DH company to ask for a few hours off to help in the (one off) case of a friend's inducement than in the case of a wife's illness (how many times will this happen in future) unless it is serious.

diddl Mon 01-Aug-11 11:04:20

But depending on the wot´rk it may not be easy to leave early.

My husband has to work certain hrs & any leaving early has to be made up.

Also, they prefer people not to take an afternoon off-rather a full day or nothing.

diddl Mon 01-Aug-11 11:04:54

that should be work, of course!

MerylStrop Mon 01-Aug-11 11:09:32

You're being unreasonable - he was prepared to come home to help YOU.

If you are so ill I don't understand why you were planning to look after someone else's child?

Does your DH realise how ill you feel/are (because sometimes you have to spell it out for them) and have you made a doctor's appointment?

Twinkiesmum Mon 01-Aug-11 11:13:28

MerylStrop, she needs his help MORE now that she's ill, surely?????

MerylStrop Mon 01-Aug-11 11:29:52

She says in her OP she's been feeling unwell for a few days but she's been soldiering on and still planning to look after someone else's child?

If she is sick she should certainly be able to go to bed/get to to docs and her DH should help if he possibly can. She needs to be more clear about how ill she is to her DH and not start imagining things about his priorities. If she can manage until 6pm she can manage until 7.30pm.

drcrab Mon 01-Aug-11 11:33:24

We offered to look after other child before I got sick! These things need to be arranged you know... Unlike nasty bugs that tend to attack at no notice. grin

He does know how ill I am and yes I have made a dr's app - although sometimes I have been so ill that it's impossible to get to the dr's without help.

I think my point was that because I'm ill he should consider that as important as helping out for the kids... Afterall he's being made redundant this week, the bosses are away and last week they left 20 min earlier (having always done unpaid overtime for the last few years).

OrangeHat Mon 01-Aug-11 11:34:33

I think YANBU.

You say it's not the first time, that he has been keen to help for extraordinary things (presumably he will get brownie points from your friends for picking up their child etc) but not when it's just you.

If he is able to leave early today then he is able to leave early today - and if you are ill he should take the opportunity to leave early and help you.

drcrab Mon 01-Aug-11 11:38:05

OrangeHat - yes that was my point!! If you can leave early today, you can leave early today. It doesn't matter if it's for friend's kid or for me. But clearly it does matter in his mind. sad

MerylStrop Mon 01-Aug-11 11:41:51

But you are totally imagining that he considers looking after the kids more important than looking after you.

To his mind, he probably feels he has a job to do and responsibilities to it even if it is going up the swannee (sorry to hear that, must be worrying, have been there too lately). Literally he'll be thinking if she can manage AT ALL, she can manage as normal - you're either ill enough to need him home all day or you're ok to struggle along. I know how crap it is, and I am not unsympathetic but I think if you want him to help you have to tell him in no uncertain terms.

MerylStrop Mon 01-Aug-11 11:44:39

And the other thing WAS for YOU. He wasn't getting off work for the thrill of hanging out with someone else's toddler. Getting wound up about it is only going to make it worse. Give in to it, lie on the sofa with a duvet and lemsip, let the kids watch dvds and let DH pick up the pieces when he does get home.

Hope you feel better soon.

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