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to ask how you and your DP/DH split the chores and childcare...

(100 Posts)
fedupanduptheduff Sun 31-Jul-11 21:32:37

I am a SAHM (kind of working, but part time and very informally as an accountant/bookkeeper) to a 17mo DD. I am also 33 weeks pregnant with DC2.
I do all cleaning, cooking, washing, etc.
I also do almost all childcare - except DH does bath/bedtime - even when we are out I am always the one who is 'on' and in charge and it drives me insane.
How do you split things in your household?
DH works full time, but not long hours - ie he is home by 5.30 every day. We've just had a bit of a 'discussion' about how I need him to help me more, but I don't think we got very far.

ceebeegeebies Sun 31-Jul-11 21:39:33

Me and DH have always split the chores since we moved in together 15 years ago so I do the washing, ironing and cooking and he does the cleaning, tidying hoovering and washing up/loading the dishwasher. Not much has changed since then although now, obviously with DC's, there is slightly more to do.

As for childcare, it is very much an even split - equal share of nappy changing, we take it turns to go to the gym whilst the other one stays at home with DC, when we are out we tend to be responsible for one child each, I tend to drop the DC off at school/nursery and DH generally picks at least one of them up if he is at home (he works away 50% of the time and then obviously it all falls to me but he definitely makes up for it the 50% of time he is at home).

Seona1973 Sun 31-Jul-11 21:40:31

I do dishes, clothes washing, ironing (very little - dh's shirts and the kids school stuff), hoovering (occasionally!), etc. DH does the cooking and I tidy up after him. We do bedtimes together.

hayleysd Sun 31-Jul-11 21:44:00

My oh works away but even when home does nothing to help with chores or childcare, if forced to he will sometimes have ds2 for 10 mins while I go in shower or whatever but is always shouting to hurry up it really annoys me

I am also a Childminder so have 7 kids sometimes after school and in the holidays so am shattered by 7pm when I finish working but then still have my kids to sort but it allows me to be at home for my 2 so much rather do this than any other job!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sun 31-Jul-11 21:44:51

We don't 'split' as such. We are both 100% responsible for it all and who does what depends on who notices that it needs doing and who is in the mood. grin It works out at 50/50 - or maybe 60/40 (him being the 60 and me being the 40 when it comes to the housework!)

NickRobinsonsloveslave Sun 31-Jul-11 21:50:39

share the chores...are you having a laugh?

missmalteser Sun 31-Jul-11 21:52:42

its mostly just whoever is in the house at the time does what needs done here, as i work pt that means i do the bulk, however when we are both here we both do whatever needs done, dp would never come in and watch me do whatever was needed we would both pitch in, unless either of us have had a rubbish day in which case the other tells them to chill, it works out very fair

poorbuthappy Sun 31-Jul-11 21:53:51

We tend to find that whomever is not on their arse by 5pm does a mad evening of chores which sorts us out till the next day.
It has worked this way for us since the very first day that I left dh at home with the twins and our eldest on his own about 18 months ago.
He now accepts that he actually has the easier job by going out of the house every day and teaching!

mrsnesbit Sun 31-Jul-11 21:54:38

Well, i would love dh to do more.

we both work full time.
I do all the house work, he loads the dishwasher, ds empties it.

Dh does all repairs & diy, he is brill at it too, everything...he has literally redone our entire house including putting an extension on, new kitchen, new bathroom, everything. \he is also a mechanic so looks after the cars...cheeply.

He does 70% of the childcare, he is brill at that too, much better than me. We have 1 ds.
I would like him to do ore of the cleaning & cooking because all diy is now pretty much done.
I get irritated when i come home and have got to start "work" again, washing/cleaning/ironing/cooking. He wouldnt wash up if he saw a stack of dishes, he wouldnt take a load of ironing upstairs if it were sat on the stairs ready to go up....he would step over it and go up empty handed.

I am quietly and secretly complaining because he is so good really. I am never satisfied me!

Mare11bp Sun 31-Jul-11 21:55:37

My DP used to be rubbish and it caused endless rows but he is so much better since we had DC1. He works FT and I work PT three days a week plus a few additional hours.

I do the majority of the cleaning, we share the gardening, DP does the food shopping (we get it delivered tho) and the cooking and he does most of the washing and ironing.

I guess most of the childcare is down to me as I am home more. But when he is home we share it.

I am aware I am very lucky and if I had a DP who left the childcare to me, even when he was home, I don't think we would have lasted 5 minutes.

Flisspaps Sun 31-Jul-11 21:56:03

We share all the post-work childcare, DH does bath and I do bottle/bed. Housework is shared about 80/20 (me being the 80) - DH will do it if he is told what to do as since we moved in together he seems to have lost the ability to tidy, clean and cook.

This makes me rather angry as his flat was bloody spotless and despite my best efforts including writing up a bloody list of jobs that need doing daily/weekly/monthly he still doesn't do half of the household jobs. Occasionally I will go off on one and he bucks his ideas up for a few days before drifting back off into laziness.

And it is laziness, he CAN do everything that needs doing and he can do it really quite well. I'm more angry with myself for letting him get away with it actually. Hmm, think things are going to have to be a-changing...

MissMarjoribanks Sun 31-Jul-11 21:56:46

My DH does slightly more than me, probably. He enjoys the jobs he does though (cooking and gardening) and I can't say that doing the laundry and washing up fills me with great joy. We have a cleaner, otherwise I would do it, and I do do the inbetween cleaning and the tidying.

We split the childcare fairly equally. I work 4 days, so have DS on my one 'day off' (hahaha) a week, but DH does most of the nursery drops and I do most of the pick ups and we cover what we have to when the other has to work late or go away with work. At the weekends, we sort it out between us. DH took DS to see the planes this morning while I sorted out a pile of washing as high as me, cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen and tidied up for our guests. Then I took over with DS while DH prepared a barbeque and all the side dishes.

It works well for us. I was unhappy about the balance of work and the pleasure gained i.e. DH pottering in the sunshine in the garden whilst I scrubbed the loo and that, plus me going back to work 4 days, is why we got a cleaner. If you can afford it, I'd recommend it.

Squitten Sun 31-Jul-11 22:05:16

I'm a SAHM so there are lots of jobs that generally fall to me: laundry, dishes, hovering, tidying, food shopping. DH does a lot of cooking as he's good at it and enjoys it, looks after the garden. I do night waking/feeding with the kids as necessary and DH gets up with them first thing so I can sleep.

On weekends we definitely split childcare jobs and DH does lots of nappies, bath, etc. He will also take the initiative and do something if it needs doing. That's what being a partnership means - in it together!

NickRobinsonsloveslave Sun 31-Jul-11 22:08:34

I remember the 1st time I went round to DHs house. He was ironing. Never seen this since (11 years ago).
Wish I'd taken a photo.

echt Sun 31-Jul-11 22:14:45

We both work full-time, and I've done so since DD was 7 months old, and the split has always been the same.

DH does all cooking and the Saturday morning shop. He irons his own shirts. I do all washing and the rest of the ironing. We both load and unload the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. I do most of the gardening, except big heavy stuff which I point at rather grandly and DH hacks away at it.

We shared the task of creating our garden in the UK, and are doing the same again in Oz.

DH does most DIY, and I turn up at the spitting and swearing moment to point out that he's hanging the door upside down.

StopRainingPlease Sun 31-Jul-11 22:16:45

One weekend, go out for the day. All day. Leaving your toddler with him of course. He will soon realise that you actually work much harder than him wink.

echt Sun 31-Jul-11 22:17:18

Oops, forgot about the childcare. Pretty even; While I looked after her if she was ill. he always took DD out for trips, and the long train journey to see GM. He took her to concerts/bands until quite recently, but has been demoted to chauffeur.grin

hellitops Sun 31-Jul-11 22:18:02

I think childcare is about 80:20 for us and chores maybe 60:40 as I am on maternity leave at the moment. I have started putting my foot down more in regards to getting DP to do more childcare. We have switched so that generally he takes DS in the evening and I sort tea, and today I made him get up at 6am so I could have a couple more hours sleep. Every so often I get evening duty as well due to his tiredness [hmmm] but he is quite good at putting washing in, making bottles and washing up etc. He does most of the shopping as he picks things up on his way home.

I wouldn't mind if he did a bit more housework rather than leaving it for me just because I am at homes. We have been having problems with feeding and fussiness with ds due to a large birthmark on his lip and possible CMPI so a lot of my days at the moment have been full of a crying baby, leaving me drained and no time to clean and I'm usually in bed around the same time as ds. I'm sure we'll work it out though.

hormonalmum Sun 31-Jul-11 22:21:57

I work ptime. I do:
all the the laundry and ironing, tidying & cleaning,mopping floors, washing up, loading dishwasher. school pickups. Ferrying children.

dh works full time and does:
the cooking. diy jobs. 2 drop offs and 1 pick up per week

we share:
the shopping, cooking for children, gardening, unloading dishwasher. bedtimes. entertaining the children!

I am very happy with my lot. My dh is a star and will often do more. Always does more if I ask him - although I have to ask,rather than him just doing it. But I cant have everything grin

MumblingRagDoll Sun 31-Jul-11 22:26:32

He works 4 night shifts a week and I am self employed working on average around 15 hours a week from home.

I do about 80% of the housework and the same childcare.

I am quite happy with it but I do have to remind him at times they're his kids too and not to assume I am always available. I also have to remind him about things around the house a lot. He folds all the laundry up and puts it away...he cooks dinner around 5 or 6 nights of the week. He will hoover now and then but tends to never mop or clean loos hmm

But then he has all the boring jobs like bill organising and paying....I do help when I can but it's his job as he earns more and is better organised.

My money goes towards clothing for us all and groceries.

Ciske Sun 31-Jul-11 22:26:55

We both work full time and share equally in the housework/childcare. Naturally we tend to have our own specific chores we focus on (I've not done the cat litter for years, he hasn't cleaned a toilet in years), but timewise it's equal.

I don't think there's a hard & fast rule on how best to divide it, but, rule of thumb, you should both be working a fairly equal amount of hours if you add up job & household. And it's part of a good relationship that you don't allow the other to struggle on while you sit on the couch with a beer.

Lorelai Sun 31-Jul-11 22:32:06

I am on mat leave at the moment, and DH does most of the washing up, tidying, general cleaning. We both do bedtime, and overnight I get up for the baby (am bfing) and he gets up for DD1 (she wakes about twice a week). We take it in turns to have a lie in on any day that he doesn't have to get up early for work. I cook dinner, and that is pretty much it in terms of housework. When we are both around we both take responsibility for the kids - today we were at a picnic and he probably spent more time looking after them than I did (picnic was with my friends, he didn't know anyone).

So pretty unequal really - he does a lot more than me, but I am a slob and he is a neatfreak, and he knew that when he married me smile

SnoozleDoozle Sun 31-Jul-11 22:34:39

I work part time, mornings only, and DH works full time. We have one DD and have another baby on the way. If I am brutally honest, he probably does more than me, despite me only working part time. Its not that I sit on my bum doing nothing, its just that he is all go, all the time, and he comes straight in from work, and starts whizzing round doing stuff. I've told him to leave more of it for me to sort out, because as I see it, thats part of the deal with me not working full time, but apparently he just can't help himself.

Having said that, he hates (and is terrible at!) DIY so I am more likely to try my hand at that sort of stuff. And unless it is a dire emergency, he will not iron.

Childcare has always been a joint effort, and he understands that it is pretty tiring to be at home with a young child, so he has no objection to me going out to the gym for an hour, a couple of evenings a week, as he knows it is good for me.

BertieBotts Sun 31-Jul-11 22:35:38

"even when we are out I am always the one who is 'on' and in charge and it drives me insane."

This really resonated with me, XP was always like this. Of course he was there to say "Hold this a minute" or "Watch DS while I do X", but he always had to be asked, and it was always assumed I was in charge.

I'm really noticing the contrast with DP, on childcare and housework, to how things were with XP. With XP it was like everything was my responsibility, though he would do housework begrudgingly. With DP it's just both of ours, with the housework definitely. The house isn't nearly up to scratch but we're doing about as much as each other. We've divided up some jobs - I deal with all the washing, ironing (not everything gets ironed), putting away, he does all the washing up, which I hate. He's planning a big clean of the house when I go away in a few weeks and then after that we're going to divide up rooms so he gets the kitchen, hallway and our room and I get the bathroom, living room and DS' room. I think we both hate housework equally though he seems to do it more instinctively than me.

With childcare it's less even, mainly because DP works nights and is sleeping most of the day, and that DS isn't his child so he tends to want me to do things like bedtime with him rather than DP, but he still picks up the slack spontaneously. If I've had a bad night and he's awake he'll get DS up in the morning so I can have a lie in until 8 or even 9. Or if he's awake in the afternoon he tells me to go and lie down for an hour and just sorts DS out. If he's off work and DS wakes in the night or is hard to settle, he helps or tries to settle him himself. If he can tell I'm struggling (bedtime battle the other night for example where I ended up going downstairs and leaving DS crying for a bit which I hate) he's there with a hug and a supportive word. We talk about behaviour management issues(!!) and work out solutions together which we then stick to so we can be consistent. He plays with him when I'm tired and just want to sit down, or when I'm doing jobs, or just because he wants to. He cooks him dinner - this is extra handy when I'm out in the afternoon and know DS will want dinner pretty much as soon as we get back.

Yama Sun 31-Jul-11 22:43:06

Both have 100% responsibility for childcare and house. The splits are even and vary.

Either we bumble along doing housework at the same time (if dc2 is napping) or if need be one of us looks after the children and the other tackles something.

Then we relax at the same time.

If we are out generally dh takes more to do with the children. Don't know why that is. I would guess that it is because he prefers them to other people and enjoys the 'family experience' memory building part of it.

I was very careful to make sure that I didn't take on extra during my last maternity leave. Made my going back to work easier. To do with mindset I guess.

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