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to want to end this relationship?

(14 Posts)
kaylasmum Sun 31-Jul-11 16:29:21

i have been with my partner for 10 years now and have 2 dc aged 7 and 4.

Before i started living with my p, he seemed like my soulmate. He was understanding, attentive and caring. Ideal, or so i thought! We moved in together when i was 7 months pg. I saw a change in him from then on.

He has an extremely quick temper, even moreso with alcohol! He had anger management a few years ago which helped for a short while.

When he's in a rage he throws things, shouts and swears and is intimidating in his manner. He can also be very nasty verbally towards me. If we have a disagreement while in the car he will speed up, this frightens me and the dc.
I am going through a particularly hard time atm due to anxiety and depression. I find him to be at his worst when i am feeling vulnerable.

He says that i try to keep him under the thumb and tell him what to do. I ask him for help around the house, when he does'nt help out i ask him again. He tells me i'm nagging.. As i mentiond before alcohol makes him worse.

I am actually afraid of him when he drinks too much so i try to stop him drinking too much. I don't demand that he drinks in moderation but i ask him to respect my wishes on that. If he is drinking dowstairs and i'm in bed i'm too afraid to go to sleeep as he is unpredictble when he's been drinking.. One night after drinking too much he came up to bed and after i refused his advances he pulled down the cutains along with the pole and verbally abused me, i was too afraid to move until he went to sleep. When he did i went in beside my dd.

There has been many other incidents over the years. The house we live in is his, don't know where to go from here.

TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 16:31:02

Oh sweetheart. sad

Do you really need to ask what would be for the best here?

Please leave him, for all your sakes.

kaylasmum Sun 31-Jul-11 16:36:32

i know what i should do but don't know where to start.

I feel like such a failure just now. I already have a divorce behind me. Practically everything in the house belongs to him. I have no money to start all over again. And what about the dc and what this will do to them?

fedupofnamechanging Sun 31-Jul-11 16:41:07

Really feel for you. As things stand, you have no security. Perhaps you could contact the council for some advice regarding housing or a women's refuge. He has violent tendencies and you are afraid of him - you shouldn't have to live with someone you are scared of. The driving fast worries me too - he is taking risks with your children, because he is in a bad mood.

Even if you leave with nothing, you can rebuild. but you only get one life and shouldn't spend it living with a man who intimidates you.

Shutupanddrive Sun 31-Jul-11 16:41:43

If you have done it before, you can do it again. Do you have friends/parents you can stay with while you get sorted? Have you tried speaking to him while he is sober obviously?

TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 16:42:09

Oh you are not a failure! You must never think that! By leaving this abusive man, you will be the best example you can be to your DC.

Sounds easy to say, but money means nothing compared to going home at night and knowing that you won't be abused.

Someone will be along soon who has more experience of this than me, but trust me, you are making important steps just by posting about this.

GlitterySkulls Sun 31-Jul-11 16:48:48

don't worry about the kids, they (and you) would be better off away from him.
sure, it'll be tough at first, but it's better to be skint and have beans on toast every night/not be able to go out on daytrips/not have the latest clothes &toys etc than put up with shit like that.

even if the kids haven't witnessed anything, they'll more than likely know something.

maybe contact your local womans aid or similar? they'll know how to go about things while keeping you & your kids safe.

i hope it all works out for you. have a {hug}

Nancy66 Sun 31-Jul-11 16:49:50

You can't live like this - you deserve more and it's not fair on your kids - you don't want their childhood memories to be ones of fear, do you?

As it's his house - I guess there's no chance in persuading him to move out for the sake of your children?

If not, then is there a sister, brother, friend or anybody that could put you up temporarily?

He still has a duty to provide for his children no matter what.

deliasniff Sun 31-Jul-11 16:50:20

Even though you say almost everything belongs to him, as you are a long term live in partner and you have two children with him you would be entitled to more than you think. You need to see a solicitor asap or start by going to the citizens advice beureau, they will be able to advise you.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sun 31-Jul-11 16:54:49

Without wishing you to reveal your exact location, which is your nearest city?

Cursingtheboobytum Sun 31-Jul-11 19:55:38

Hello Kaylasmum. I was a child of an abusive relationship. My father was an alcoholic and nasty when drunk. Sometimes he was physically violent. My mum tried to shield us children from the worst of it but you know from a very early age we all picked up on it and life in that house was like walking on eggshells. The good times were marred by all of us knowing that it would only be a matter of time before another incident. My mother stayed because she thought it was best for us children. My father could be a very good Dad a lot of the time. But you know what? It wasn't best for us children. When she left him when the youngest child was 16 she thought she had failed us. We have all told her since we wished she had left years and years ago. Your children will pick up on it and will be being affected by it all now. You really need to get out of there and start living your life without being in fear. Good luck and keep strong.

FabbyChic Sun 31-Jul-11 21:04:36

Your anxiety and depression has formed due to the bad relationship you are in, you are constantly scared, have no where to turn and are living in a situation which makes you constantly worried about what to say, if to say anything.

You are worn down with years of the same old same old.

For the sake of your long term health and that of your children, who see or hear what is going on and will grow up thinking it is normal, you need to get out and you need to get out now.

Contact Womans Aid who will help you and find you somewhere to stay, they will be with you every step of the way and guide you in what you should do.

There is hope you however have to take the step to get away from this god awful man.

kaylasmum Sun 31-Jul-11 21:26:59

thank you all for your replies,

First of all i want to say that my p has never been physically violent towards me and also that i'm not totally blameless in this. I'm not making excuses for him but just wanted to make that clear.

My dc have been witness to far too many of our arguements, i feel very guilty about that. My 7 yo dd gets very upset about it. I know this could have long term repercussions for my dc. My parents used to argue in front of me and my dsis, although there was no violent outbursts but it upset me terribly. My parents eventually split up and my df raised myself and my dsis. I feel like its history repeating itself.

When my p is being nice he's lovely but it can change so quickly. I have health anxiety and worry so much that i'll die and leave my kids without a mummy. I tried telling my p about how i felt recently during an argument, and i asked him what would the kids do without me, he said "they would be fine, at least they would'nt have a neurotic mother anymore". That hurt me so much.

I'm planning on going to the council tomorrow to see what they say.

Mare11bp Sun 31-Jul-11 21:39:50

Please don't feel like a failure. You didn't see the real him until you were heavily pregnant - you were hardly going to leave him then were you?

You are right to put your kids first in this scenario and they will thank you for it in future.

Let us know how you get on tomorrow.

Take care x

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