to not pay for this takeaway meal?

(352 Posts)
TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 10:20:35

Okay, quite prepared to be told IABU on this one, but I actually think I'm being reasonable on it.

My cousin has got annoyed that she is not invited round to my house much. She has come for lunch before, but when I see her, which admittedly is not really that frequently, I generally meet her in a park (which is about halfway between our houses) so that DS and her DD can play together. I will pack a picnic if the weather is nice. But my cousin wants to come for dinner now, and I've arranged it for Friday night.

I'm reluctant to have her here in the evening mainly because she is usually miserable and rude. She has never made much of an effort to get to know my DP and the evening will just be uncomfortable and a total bore. Fortunately, the children do actually play nicely together, so DS will have a buddy for the night! I am okay with the fact that she's coming round, but I am annoyed about her comments about the food.

DP is a brilliant cook and has offered to do something that would suit everyone, adult and child. This was my preference, as we are largely a vegetarian household (I am veggie, DP eats mainly a vegetarian diet, as does DS, DD just about to start weaning). We thought if the weather was nice, we could even do a barbecue and eat in the garden.

But my cousin has rejected this idea and wants to come round for a takeaway. She has made it clear that she expects DP and I to pay for her and for her DD. If we'd invited her round explicitely to have a takeaway, I might agree with her, but that's not it. Not only that, but her DD is a very fussy eater and will according to her mother, probably only have chips. If that's ever the case with DS, we will let him have chips, but they will be oven chips, and I will do them at home for him. He will eat with us and have them served at the same time, so he wouldn't know they weren't from the takeaway (not that he'd care). Aside from the fact that I am being expected to pay for the takeaway, I have now been told that it would be unfair for me to cook oven chips for my cousin's DD when we would be having a takeaway, so I should be ordering a portion of chips and a couple of things for her to try. Again, I am being expected to pay for all this.

This is in addition to the fact that she won't get a taxi home (she doesn't drive) so DP or I will have to drive her and her DD to their place, meaning one of us will not be able to have a drink with dinner. Not such a big deal, but it's bugging me with the other stuff.

AIBU to tell my cousin that if she wants to have a takeaway, she will be expected to make a contribution that covers her and her DD's share? And that unless she does, DP will make dinner?

ChristinedePizan Sun 31-Jul-11 10:23:51

Why on earth are you inviting her over? Why don't you just tell her to fuck off? Honestly, the woman has zero manners - if you're invited to someone's house you get what you're given and you get a taxi home.

Does she have some kind of dirt on you or something? I can't think of any other reason you'd allow someone to blackmail you like this sad

ChristinedePizan Sun 31-Jul-11 10:25:14

Sorry if that comes across as a bit bullying - I'm just gobsmacked blush

catgirl1976 Sun 31-Jul-11 10:26:50

She sounds annoying but probably sees a takeaway as a nice treat. Unless you really can't afford it, I would just go ahead and order the takeaway. (I think the BBQ sounds lovely but each to their own).

Whatmeworry Sun 31-Jul-11 10:27:32

Bollocks to that it's your house you feed her what you want to. I would tell her that as fait accomplis

Mitmoo Sun 31-Jul-11 10:30:15

Uninvite her.

apple99 Sun 31-Jul-11 10:31:23

I would be coming up with an excuse to cancel the evening all together. She sounds awful and I would not want to waste an evening entertaining someone so rude and presumptuous.

Your cousin sounds very very annoying. She's invited herself over for dinner, and now she's dictating the menu? I have to say you are being unbelievably patient in not having told her where to stick her demands. Is she like this with other people? Do they let her get away with it?

Absolutely should she be paying her share of the takeaway, given that she's the one who's demanded it. Personally I wouldn't want to be negotiating with her over any of this (if she says she will pay for part, I bet she doesn't on the day) Just cook your barbecue and she can like it or lump it. It sounds far nicer than a takeaway imo.

Arion Sun 31-Jul-11 10:31:56

Definitely not unreasonable, she wants a takeaway, she pays! As you said, it would be a different story if you had invited her round for a takeaway, but to invite yourself round, dismiss what is planned for food, demand a takeaway and then expect you to pay is just wrong. How rude is she?!!!

beamel Sun 31-Jul-11 10:32:34

YANBU. The rude cow !
Christine is so right - tell her what DP is cooking. She can either eat it, sit and look at it or not come.
If she comes then have a drink with dinner and at the end of the night offer to call her a taxi.

TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 10:32:36

She has no dirt on me, no! She's just like this, always has been. The family generally make allowances for her, it's just what's done. I don't really know why, I suppose for the sake of her DD now, but I don't really understand it.

We could afford it, catgirl, but why should I have to pay for her? If it was my idea to have the takeaway and she couldn't afford it (and I'm certain she'd say she can't, but I'm sure she could), that's one thing, but that's not what's going on here. I don't see why I should be forced to pay for her treat.

As for why I'm having her over....I suppose because I feel bad about not inviting her much before. I have BIL over on a weekly basis (we are close to him and would happily have him move in if he wanted to!) and my cousin's siblings will sometimes come for dinner, but then they do eat what they're given and will generally make their own way to us and back again.

GwendolineMaryLacey Sun 31-Jul-11 10:33:08

Bollocks to that. I can't see one good reason to do any of what she expects. What a cheek!

QueenOfFeckingEverything Sun 31-Jul-11 10:33:15


She is being a precious rude twat.

squeakytoy Sun 31-Jul-11 10:34:47

Your own fault for agreeing to it in the first place, knowing what a twat she is.

But, its only Sunday, you have plenty of time to cancel. grin

TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 10:34:53

I actually also thought the barbecue would be nicer for the children, so they could play outside for the whole evening and just come over for the food, rather than being called in to eat.

TheBolter Sun 31-Jul-11 10:37:11

You need to put your foot down here. She sounds rude and pretty vile in general but if you say your family have tolerated this for many years then you all have to take some responsibility in showing her what's acceptable and what isn't. Otherwise she will get worse!

WTF should you all bend over backwards just because she has a child? (boggles)

How often does she invite you over to her house for dinner? If you're over there all the time and you 'owe' her a meal, maybe then I'll allow you a tiny amount of guilt but that still wouldn't give her leeway to act up the way she is, and it still wouldn't give her the right to demand takeaway (has she specified what takeaway btw? <nosy>)

TidyDancer Sun 31-Jul-11 10:38:45

Yes, I know I should cancel. smile But I am a soft touch, and I do love her DD.

I think I may call her and say that we are not getting a takeaway, but that DP will do the barbecue and does she have any preference to what she would like done on it. We will provide drinks and stuff as well, she won't have to bring anything.

I'm not sure what to do about the transport though. Perhaps offer to pick her up, but say that I could call her a taxi for the trip back? I will need to be clear that I won't pay for the taxi, but I think a one way trip is a decent compromise?

FakePlasticTrees Sun 31-Jul-11 10:40:08

Tell her you are doing a BBQ - if she doesn't want to come round for that, then you'll understand and won't expect her. Tell her that if she does come over you'll both be drinking so does she want to book a taxi in advance or just order one when it's time for her to leave?

Honestly, it doesn't matter that she's been allowed to be rude for years, that's no reason for putting up with her being rude to you now. If she stops talking to you, then I'm sure your DS has other friends he can play with, it's no great loss.

ChristinedePizan Sun 31-Jul-11 10:40:44

Can't she get a bus on the way over? The fact that she can't drive is not your problem

Allow me to be the first on this thread to say: 'No is a complete sentence'

GwendolineMaryLacey Sun 31-Jul-11 10:40:58

How far away is she? I wouldn't even pick her up. She has legs hasn't she? And if she's a grown adult with a child then presumably she gets herself about the rest of the time.

MrsBaggins Sun 31-Jul-11 10:41:25

"They make allowances " She sounds awful and gets her own way because she has a strop !

I would quietly plan a BBQ -pray for good weather and when she arrives say "Oh we thought a BBQ would be nice as the weather is so good"
Ignore her strops,huffiness etc
Not surprised you dont have her round more often !

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Sun 31-Jul-11 10:41:34

I would actually make a point now of saying your dp is going to a lot of trouble cooking a 'special' dinner and you are not prepared to tell him his food is not good enough for her. If she doesn't want what's on offer, we'll see you in the park next week instead.

herbietea Sun 31-Jul-11 10:42:31

Message withdrawn

Columbia999 Sun 31-Jul-11 10:43:06

I would go ahead with the barbeque and not even mention a takeaway. Then if she's still determined to be so rude as to not eat the food that is offered, she can order and pay for her own takeaway.
Also, I'd make sure I had a couple of drinks, just enough to put me over the limit, so she'd have to get her own taxi.
People who are allowed to get away with this sort of ignorant behaviour will generally keep on doing it, until someone calls a halt. Your house, your hospitality, she can like it or lump it!

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