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To feel very upset that I wont ever know what it feels like to give birth naturally?

(263 Posts)
SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 12:43:01

I've had a horrible couple of weeks. Had problems with fetal movement, hospitalised as they thought I was developing pre eclampsia and now almost unbearable pain due to Hypermobility Syndrome and the weight causing problems with my hips.

From the start I have wanted a very natural birth; only G+A, water birth, skin to skin etc. But was told yesterday while I was in MAU that they don't recommend I birth naturally and also not to go to 40 weeks as it will cause too much damage to my body. So I will be booked for a Csx sometime between 36 and 38 weeks.
They have also referred me to the psych team as they think I will get PND due to not coping with the pain, I don't know if this is also a reason for telling me to go earlier as I am obviously not in a decent state of mind and had a bit of a break down in the hospital yesterday.

I know I should be relieved that I now will have a date and that I will be in less pain but I can't help to feel upset that I wont know what it feels like to experience a vaginal birth. I have been reading all the birth stories on here the past couple of weeks and it has been getting me excited.

I know I am probably being UR and should just be gratefull that everything is being done to make sure me and DS are safe. sad

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Sat 30-Jul-11 12:46:54

You're not missing anything.

It feels more like pooing a wrecking ball than something coming out of your vagina.

I'm really sorry that you are finding this all a struggle and it's good that you are getting support.

I know that it is so easy to type this, and so hard to do, but try to focus on the positive.

You will have a baby
You will be out of pain

That's all that matters, really.

But you are not being unreasonable to have these feelings, how could you be?

I hope you do feel better. xx

Primafacie Sat 30-Jul-11 12:49:43

YABU to have had such set views on your upcoming birth, as that is a surefire way to get disappointed or feel like you've failed. One in three births ends in a CS, so you are in good company. Gl

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 12:49:51

Thanks for replying. smile

I guess I'm just being a bit silly after all the end result will be the same, only I guess a little sooner than expected!

I think I'm just finding faults in everything right now because I feel so down.

I'm also worried about the epi as I already have back problems and don't know if it will cause further pain after he's born?

Thanks again.

ParadeWave Sat 30-Jul-11 12:51:38

YANBU for feeling like this, i've got 2 children, never given birth, never even experienced any form of labour or contraction, i used to feel like a complete failure as a mother because of this, but, i have two beautiful children and ultimately it didn't really matter how they arrived into this world, just that they arrived. Hope everything goes well for you and try not to beat yourself up about it.

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 12:53:48

Parade I'm sorry you felt like that. sad

I think the way I am thinking I will feel is the same, not even as much because of the csx but because I wont experience labour in any way at all.

But you are right, the end result is what matters. And thank you. smile

elliejjtiny Sat 30-Jul-11 12:54:33


Have you looked for positive c-section stories on the internet? 2 of my friends had elective c-sections and they said it was a very positive experience. One of them has a photo of her baby being born in black and white on her living room wall. You should still be able to have skin to skin (make sure you put it in your birth plan), your favourite music playing in theatre. I know it's not the same but I was desperate for a home waterbirth with DS3 but I didn't get one. I still had a good birth even though it wasn't what I originally planned.

DogsBestFriend Sat 30-Jul-11 12:55:56

You're definitely not missing anything - as someone who has had both a VB and an elective caesar, I can tell you that there would have been NO WAY I'd have EVER gone through the first of those again.

It doesn't matter how they arrive - when they're on their way to Uni/getting married/whatever you won't be worrying about their birth! You're being given a safe, controlled, calm and - importantly - highly pian controlled birth, don't knock it. smile

Meglet Sat 30-Jul-11 12:56:16

Yanbu. Same as what the others have said. FWIW I've only had cs's and it's never bothered me blush.

And at least with a planned cs they will be able to do the epidural / spinal block calmly and make it less likely to trigger your back problems (I'd guess?).

You're bound to be worried but they hospital will know what they're doing and you and your DC will be safe and sound.

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 12:56:57

Ellie I have tried looking at the csx stories and have found some nice ones, I guess at the same time I am just a bit terrified.

It makes me feel a bit better knowing I can have music in theatre, I think that might calm me a bit.

Psammead Sat 30-Jul-11 12:57:37

Sorry you're feeling down. I think if you spend time dwelling on something that has already 'gone wrong' and that you can't hope to fix, you probably will end up depressed.

You can do nothing about it. What you can do is focus on the baby that will arrive in your life. It's not about the journey - it's about the destination.

paulapantsdown Sat 30-Jul-11 12:57:42

The object of the game is for both you and the baby to come out of it alive - the rest is just details! The next 10, 20, 30 years are more important, and you will be a great mum.

Good Luck!

Angel786 Sat 30-Jul-11 12:57:49

I understand why you're upset, YANBU. Although, from my own experience of vaginal labour I think you're quite fortunate to not have to experience it. A third degree tear and three months of laxatives... Praying for c sec next time.

Hope all goes safely xxx

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 12:59:27

Dogs I have had a few people tell me they would definitely choose the csx over the Vb.

Maybe I'm being naive and thinking pushing what is meant to be around a 9lber out of my fanjo with no pain relief when I'm already in agony will be wonderful.

In fact the more I think about that, the more that option terrifies me!

Can I just ask, how did everyone find getting the spinal?

libelulle Sat 30-Jul-11 13:00:30

If I'd never felt a contraction in my life, I'd count myself pretty lucky. It really isn't something you'd wish upon yourself. Imagine holding your hand against a boiling kettle for 2 mins at a time, every minute, for 3 hours. Then imagine someone stitching it back together with inadequate anaesthetic.

Now visualise your lovely, calm, planned CS. For me at least, no contest.

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 13:01:20

Okay libelulle I think you just sold me on that one...

differentnameforthis Sat 30-Jul-11 13:01:31

You are creating a new life, giving birth is such a small part of that, imo.

(2 dds, never 'given birth' naturally)

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 30-Jul-11 13:02:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogsBestFriend Sat 30-Jul-11 13:03:44

I don't think you're being naive.... bloody barmy perhaps though!!! grin

I was awake throughout had a spinal block, sat there crying as I'm needlephobic. "What's the matter my love?" asked the surgeon... erm, where do you want me to start?

"My darling, we do hundreds of these standard elective sections every month. It's a HUGE thing to you... but to us it's just routine medicine. You'll be in no pain and in a few minutes will be meeting your baby."

He was right. smile

JemimaMuddledUp Sat 30-Jul-11 13:05:18

I had to have an emergency c-section under general anaesthetic with my first as they thought that they were going to lose us both. So I wasn't even concious when I gave birth. Which was a little different to my birth plan which involved a Tens machine, homeopathic remedies and a birthing pool. I felt like a complete failure, and became quite depressed. I had a VBAC with my second, but I had to have a spinal anaesthetic as it was a ventouse delivery. So although I was awake I still didn't "feel" anything IYSWIM. Then I had to have my third by elective c-section as she was a transverse lie and they couldn't try to turn her as I had had a previous c-section.

When they were babies it mattered A LOT. As I say, I got quite depressed about the whole thing and felt like a failure. But as they grow up (they are now 5, 7 and almost 9) you realise that the birth is only a tiny part of their lives and what makes a relationship between a mother and child. Being a mother is an awful lot more than pushing a baby out of your vagina!

I hope your birth is a really positive experience and that you enjoy every moment with your new baby.

DogsBestFriend Sat 30-Jul-11 13:05:20

Oh, and I was offered skin to skin with DD2 immediately but asked that she was passed to my then DH as I'd been the first to hold DD1.

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 13:06:39

Stewie Thanks for replying.

They have referred me to the psych team to see them before I give birth to try and avoid me getting PND but the pregnancy I am having is making it unlikely. sad I'm sorry you had to go through that twice. He's not even born yet and I literally broke down in hysterics in the hospital yesterday.
I feel at the lowest point I have ever been and just want to cry constantly.

I know that I have been expecting to much when it came to planning my birth.
I think it was more a problem with wanting to be able to control something tbh.

Can I ask, did anyone who have skin to skin have the screen down?

SchrodingersMew Sat 30-Jul-11 13:09:16

Jemima I am so sorry everything went so wrong for you but very glad you are happy now. smile

Dogs I am a bit of a nutter so I guess it's showing! Also, not needlephobic but the size of the thing... In my spine!? shock <faints>

Meglet Sat 30-Jul-11 13:09:18

My spinal's were fine. The one during my EMCS was uncomfortable as I had to crunch up while contracting so they could get the needle in my spine but at least the pain stopped. My ELCS spinal was ok as I knew what was coming. They sprayed my back with an icy spray before they put the needle in so it numbed the area a little. It's over in a few seconds.

The theatre staff were great. I asked them to tell me what the machines / monitors were for and the midwife held my hand until my (then) DP came in with the hospital scrubs on.

After the births I loved trying to wriggle my toes but not being able to do it, but I might be a bit weird.

DogsBestFriend Sat 30-Jul-11 13:09:36

Jemima, you were lucky to have had a spinal block when you delivered via ventouse. Not all of us did. sad

Hence I would have an ELCS ANY day over a VB.

SM, here's what I wrote on Chat to another poster, hope it brings you comfort and optimism.

I had a very traumatic VB with DD1 and an ELCS with DD2. I honestly couldn't have wished for a better, more serene experience with DD2 or much of a horrible one with DD1.

With the section everything was calm and controlled. I was awake having had a spinal block, staff were caring, supportive and reassuring and the pain was totally controlled - one shot of morphine and it was like turning on a light, quick as that.

I went in on the Sunday night, had the op on Monday morning and was back home by Thursday lunchtime, taking nothing more than 2 doses of paracetamol once home (and I'm an utter wimp, very low pain threshold and needlephobic).

Within a week I was doing almost everything as normal, hoovering, carrying most things, out and about. Yes I had to go carefully but in comparison to the VB where I felt as though I'd been run over by a train it was chickenfeed.

If I had to describe my ELCS I'd say it was like being given a present, wrapped up with a big bow... admittedly I was bloody scared but I had no reason to be and had I had another child I'd have opted for a section without a second thought.

There ARE other sides, other women haven't experienced as good a result as I did of course but I think that maybe you hear far more about them as a rule than you do the good, uneventful ones like mine as I'm probably in the majority.

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