to wish that DH would come to see me this weekend

[chocolatehobnobs]

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with first baby. For the last year I have been working away from home. It's 2 hours 40 mins drive from home and I commute weekly. Dh has only visited once in a year I do all the toing and froing but I do like to go home so I haven't minded.
I should have been working this weekend but have been unwell for a week with backpain and braxton hicks. Midwives have told me to rest and slow down and my boss has ordered me to rest this weekend. I have agreed as I don't want to go on mat leave for another 9 weeks.
I can't work but am not well enough to drive home so I will be spending the weekend pottering around on my own as I don't have friends here. DH has no real plans for the weekend but has not offered to drive to me. I feel a bit sad that he has chosen his plans of bicycle maintenance, dvds gardening and some work over visiting unwell pregnant wife. I didn't suggest that he came up because it was obviously an option. I have just phoned our home phone in case he was coming to surprise me but no still there!

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Oh I think thats really unsupportive of him.

Hope you get to relax but think you do probably need to tell him how inconsiderate he's been.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Yes it was obviously an option, but you should still have suggested it. Not saying anything because you want him to think of it as what? proof of his love and consideration? is daft, because it's you that's now sat here alone. You should have said, clearly, what you would like.

That said, I can understand why you are wondering why he doesn't seem that bothered. I would have thought that a man would want to see his pregnant wife at every opportunity. I don't personally understand why he is at home. That would upset me.

Are you afraid that the two of you are growing apart?

[Pancakeflipper]

Did you tell him clearly that you need him to visit you?

He shouldn't need telling but I know when my DP were working around different parts of world it was expected I'd go to our 'official home' at weekends. He only stayed at my 'digs' once. It gets into a routine...

I think he needs a kick and some empathy training before baby arrives.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

YANBU but, presumably, he's not a mind reader.

Give your dh a call and tell him that you want him to be with you this weekend and any future weekend that you are unable to drive home because you're pg.

Of course he should have insisted that he'd be by your side after the week you've had, or simply arrived without prompting, but some males require repeated instruction in being sensitive to the needs of others.

Start working on your joint communication skills now because they are going to be sorely needed once pfb makes an appearance.

[fluffles]

i think you're being silly not mentioning. why not? what's the harm in saying to him 'why don't you come here and stay?'

there's really truly no point in seething without saying anything.. it'll get much worse when you have a small baby if you go about things that way.

[bushymcbush]

I really feel for you but I think you need to spell it out to him. He probably doesn't realise how much you need him right now. After all, you are clearly a very independent person and not 'needy' usually. If you want him to come, ask him. If he says 'no', then maybe you really do have a problem. But the likelihood is that he will come.

[eicosapentaenoic]

Absolutely. Blokes much happier with clear guidelines and expectations, especially in a period of change. This is not unreasonable IMO. It's difficult for them to understand what this baby business is about, bless, unless some other chap takes them aside - maybe find him a good role model?

IME, the more intelligent they are, the more you have to dumb-down on this! Thus the world order is maintained and we are all a lot happier. Plus, even though it's galling sometimes, they need a round of applause for the little things they do do... thus, they make progress. Any mileage in promoting the traditional father role? Maybe think about what his dad's like, may give you an insight on how to handle your dude.

Good luck with partner-wrangling.

[SiamoFottuti]

what a load of bullshit, the usual "men need direction" wankery. A 5 year old could work out that he doesn't need to be told. The fact is he prefers to do his own stuff than come and see you. Hard to handle that thought, but I can't see that its anything else.

[ZombiePlan]

Agree with Siamo. Do we really think men are THAT stupid that they need to be told to go visit their ill pregnant wives? Sorry you're having to deal with this, OP. TBH I think you need to have a frank chat with him about his priorities. He needs to get his act together, and fast.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

It's not men need direction wankery to say that if someone feels a particular way, they have a responsibility to open their gob and say so. Not sit back, fuming, sulking, whatever, because the other person hasn't behaved the way they wanted them to behave or thought the way they wanted them to think.

My mother is the master of this.

She moans to me because my dad doesn't do x,y,z. When I say, well, why don't you tell him how you feel, she says that she shouldn't have to tell him how she feels. He should know. He should know what she wants and do it, without her having to speak and that because he doesn't, it obviously means he doesn't care about her.

I think that, if anything, is wankery.

If you want something - say so
If you feel something - say so
If you need something - say so

[chocolatehobnobs]

You are all right in your reading of the situation.The magnificent - yes I sort of did want proof or reassurance of his love and consideration and wanted him to make the effort without me demanding it. He knows I have been emotional and a bit more needy than usual (I am normally extremely independent and he resents this.
When we spoke this morning and he still did not offer to come up I did throw oil on the fire by telling him that we need to go and see my family in a few weeks who I know he dislikes. He will now be sulking. Shortly after this his mum phoned to see if I am ok as they know I have had a bad week. His mum was very cross to hear that I am on my own but I asked her not to intervene. Now FIL has phoned to say they are driving 2 hours to see me tomorrow to take me out for lunch and help me pack and move my bags and I have to move flats on wednesday. I tried to say that it was not necessary but he insists that they want to help me. So his dad is not the bad example.
I think this is going to end badly!

[SiamoFottuti]

even if its something so obvious? You need to actually tell your husband that he should spend time with his wife? Do you remind him to breathe as well?

[mamas12]

Awww you poor thing.
He is not a mind reader and you have to learn to communicate what you want or else you set ourself up for a lifetime of disapointments op.
If his parents have have a word then hopefully he will a little more considerate but it's you who have to tell him.
Btw accept ALL help offered at all times from now on you will need it.
Look after yourself

[akaemmafrost]

I think your DH is a selfish Twat and I would have told him so if I was you. I think the automatic assumption SHOULD be that he would come to you in light of what is happening atm. And you also say that you are moving flats on Wednesday? And he still didn't think to offer to come to help? He sounds selfish as anything, in fact he sounds just like my ex. I used to feel physically sick sometimes at how selfish he was. Is he usually like this or is this maybe an out of the ordinary miscommunication?

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Is that to me?

Yes. Even if something is obvious to you, it is foolish to remain silent on the grounds that it should be obvious to someone else.

I said in my first post that I don't understand why he doesn't want to, why he doesn't go up, but the fact is, he hasn't. And refusing to tell someone how you feel on the grounds that they ought to know, is foolish, because the only one that suffers is you.

Tell someone how you feel, what your needs are, what your expectations are. Communicate, in short. Then you know where you stand. You know that they know how you feel. You know how they feel. You know if they want to meet your needs or if they don't, in fact, give a flying fuck about you.

[ChristinedePizan]

I generally agree that people should ask and not sit back in a passive-aggressive way waiting for someone to offer but this is the father of the baby whose wife has been told to rest. Even his parents have realised that she needs some help and support.

She shouldn't actually have to ask, it should be bleeding obvious

[Mitmoo]

Well I think he's incredibly selfish, you are sick and pregnant and can't drive home. It's his baby too. He shouldnt need to be told. I was married to one like that and he chose to work instead of collecting his wife and newborn son home. I'd tell him how you are feeling and if he doesn't change his schedule, be seriously peeved he didn't even come to check on you.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

should be, but clearly it isn't!

So what do you do? Sit back and say that it should be obvious, so I am going to remain silent

Or open your gob and speak clearly about it?

[SiamoFottuti]

I know this game, intimately. You ask and you explain and you ask and you get sick of asking. You get sick of having to explain what should be an obvious and basic need. You begin to feel like you are having to beg for attention and affection and you resent the fact that he never offers. And it festers and it ruins your relationship.

Disclaimer: massive ishoo dump by me. But I think its relevant to OP.

[eicosapentaenoic]

Why not let his mum and dad have a chat with him.

[SiamoFottuti]

he's not 6. He shouldn't need mummy and daddy to tell him what to do, and its never a good idea to involve parents in a relationship.

[BertyBurlington]

the not asking him to come sounds a little bit like martyrdom to me

sorry

[Thumbwitch]

YANBU. And he is being a thoughtless twat. But you should make your feelings clear - if you really feel abandoned and that he is being a thoughtless twat then you should tell him.

I like the sound of your ILs though.

[differentnameforthis]

Tell him you need him. It may be obvious to you, but it isn't always going to be to him.

[bananamam]

Agree with Siamno!!! Why on earth should she tell DH the very obvious? If he drops dirty socks on the floor is it the wife's job to remind him to pick them up?

Parents should def staymout of it. To all those that say she should state the blinding obvious, you are clearly all bonkers