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AIBU?

Teenage daughter wwyd

45 replies

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 20:53

Background...
I left my abusive ex and have moved in with a wonderful lovely DP with my DD and his DD.

When I was with ex DD was not allowed much freedom which I didnt agree with. Now I have given her lots of freedom, lots of shopping trips, money to go out with friends, two parties in six months (where her friends trashed the house), lots of sleep overs, contract phone. She basically has the easy life, my rules are...

go to school
be nice
tidy up after yourself

thats about it. DD is 15, her friends now call her spoilt, but after EX who begrudged anything I bought her I enjoyed spoiling her.

However in the last three months she has gone nuts. She is rude, she swears, if I tell her no she screams at me, threatens me, insults me. If I ground her she goes out, if I shout at her she shouts back, she threatens to hit me.

She has a boyfriend who treats her like dirt. One day she was screaming and crying at him down the phone so loud we couldnt hear the TV downstairs. I knocked on her door and asked her to be quiet but she just screamed at me to "fuck off".

In the last week her boyfriend has turned up drunk at the house after midnight and she expects me to let him stay. Once was 1.30am after he had been kicked out of home after a row with his brother. The night before I found out that he had been abusive to DD so I said no, she went balastic in the street, screaming and shouting with the neighbours complaining. She rings me at work screaming and shouting, even when I have told her that it will get me sacked.

The stuff she says is horrendous and DP hates that he has to listen to it and cant do anything to stop it. She does it with guests in the house. It is humilating.

She now has had a row with DSD. DD's boyfriend kept us all awake until 3.30am. The next day DSD put her music on at 11.30am and DD went nuts, and said some vile things about DSD's Mum (all over text) and DSD did say some horrible things back too.

Now DD is saying she wants me and her to move out into our own flat. I dont want to, I love DP, I have never been this happy in my life with someone. He is gentle and sweet and had ever even raised his voice at DD. He has helped her out in many ways, financially, emotionally etc.

I know if it was just me and her she would be even worse. WWYD?
H

OP posts:

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DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 20:59

Having an abusive Dad would mess up any child. I understand you wanted to make up for what she has gone through but I think you have accidentally gone too far the other way. I imagine she is scared and confused. She had firm boundaries and now has none. That she is in a relationship with someone who abuses her and she is abusive herself, shows a massive lack of self esteem and self respect. She has learnt a lot from living with an abusive Dad - it needs ro be unlearnt iyswim. Have you considered counselling?

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:01

The school arranged it for her, but I have puts steps in place this week to try get her some more.

She seems on self destruct, she has everything and she is just being horrible.

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Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:02

To add, I am now dealing with her by removing all money until she behaves, I have tried opening up to her, tried spending more time just me and her, tried everything really

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DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:04

By everything do you mean material possessions? Truly they mean fuck all. It's nice to have nice things, but you need to feel good to apprecaite the good things in life. Insecurity leaves a terrible feeling inside and she needs to get that feeling out - you and the surrounding people are her outlet. You will need to learn to deal with her differently yourself.

DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:06

I imagine she already feels like shit - it's not necessary to give her more things but you will not make any great steps if you try to tackle this by trying to make her feel more shitty.

Lazydaisy55 · 29/07/2011 21:08

You have my sympathies. From what you have posted it sound to me as if she has had such a dramatic change in her life, you two moving out, moving in with your DP and his daughter, going from a restrictive father and now you (understandably) giving her more freedom that life has become too much for her to cope with. All her frustrations are being taken out at you, even though you have not caused the problems. Does she have any contact with her father? I know you said he was abusive, but she may be missing him. Even though teenagers want freedom, it is a big thing to cope with if they get it. The abusive boyfriend, to me seems as if she has a low self image and does not think she is worth any better, this opinion is from my own experience of my dad leaving and me thinking I was not worth anything because my dad had left me, so I put up with rubbish behaviour from boyfriends. Could you have some time away on your own with your daughter so she has your sole attention? Then you may have the opportunity to talk to her with out all the dramatics. She sounds as if she wants your attention hence the awful behaviour.

I hope this has been of some help.

Lazydaisy55 · 29/07/2011 21:08

You have my sympathies. From what you have posted it sound to me as if she has had such a dramatic change in her life, you two moving out, moving in with your DP and his daughter, going from a restrictive father and now you (understandably) giving her more freedom that life has become too much for her to cope with. All her frustrations are being taken out at you, even though you have not caused the problems. Does she have any contact with her father? I know you said he was abusive, but she may be missing him. Even though teenagers want freedom, it is a big thing to cope with if they get it. The abusive boyfriend, to me seems as if she has a low self image and does not think she is worth any better, this opinion is from my own experience of my dad leaving and me thinking I was not worth anything because my dad had left me, so I put up with rubbish behaviour from boyfriends. Could you have some time away on your own with your daughter so she has your sole attention? Then you may have the opportunity to talk to her with out all the dramatics. She sounds as if she wants your attention hence the awful behaviour.

I hope this has been of some help.

Lazydaisy55 · 29/07/2011 21:08

sorry posted this twice.

RabidRabbit · 29/07/2011 21:09

How old is her bf? He needs to stay away. I'd be calling the police each time he turned up at my house drunk to be honest. You need to sit down with her and ask her why she thinks that at 15, she deserves to be in an abusive relationship when she has seen first hand the heartache it causes.

Cancel all of her privileges, no more money, parties, sleepovers, phone - all gone. She doesn't deserve these things right now, at that age she should be earning them. And you don't earn them by verbally abusing and threatening your own mother.

Agree with the counseling too.

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:14

Not just financial things. She has freedom, trips out with me, sleepiness whenever she wants.
I have tried being understanding but she is now at the point where she blocked me into a room for an hour screaming in my face just because I wouldn't give her money. She was screaming at me in the street at2.30am because I wouldn'tet her boyfriend stay and then screamed at me more the next day as I wouldn't say sorry yo him. It was the second time in a week he turned up pissed and she expected me to let him stay.

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manicbmc · 29/07/2011 21:15

I've been in a very similar situation to the OP. My dd (16) also went a bit mental when I left her dad. She had some counselling and was okish. Then I met a lovely man. She was okish. She even suggested he move in with us. We had a bit of a sticky patch after this but she eventually settled down.

It was hard work though and took a lot of talking.

She can still have her moments and can be a lazy, moody little bugger at times.

I think your dd might have wanted you to herself for a while. How long was there between you leaving her dad and moving in with your new partner?

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:18

We actually do talk alot when she is calm. She loves the bf. She says she is just as bad as him but then she says she doesn't want to be on her own. She is taking advantage in so many ways. I am trying to sort her out but don't know how.

She sees ex whenever she wants, he only lives around the corner

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DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:19

The second time? Did you let him stay the first time?

I feel I might be being too abrasive - I hope I'm not upsetting you. This must all be so very hard for you. Unfortunately as the parent it is your job to remain in the adult role at all times. Phrases like 'whenever she wants' concern me - they imply she is allowed to call the shots. That's a frightening place to be for a child.

I appreciate the benefit of net is ranting but what do you hope to achieve from your post? if it's just a rant - I will just say I would get her (and you) some serious professional help.

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:22

There wasn't a big gap between ex and dp to be honest. It wasn't planned like that but events kind of pushed things to move quicker.
One issue is that dsd has gone through this stage and out the other side and dd seems to dislike her for behaving

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Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:26

No, he wasn't allowed to stay the first time either.

I am trying to get her help, i just want her to be happy but she is pushing everyone away. I have lost all control of her, I guess I came on here hoping for some advice on how to get it back.

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manicbmc · 29/07/2011 21:31

She will come through it. It just takes a bit of time. I must admit dd and I had a blow out where I took her phone off her and the internet away. She threatened me with childline.

I told her to stop being a brat and she'd get them back.

DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:40

I would talk to her about things every day. Make it a ritual - just the two of you. I would talk about her idea of love. She says she loves this boy - what is love to her? Seems to be tied up with feelings of hurt and pain/ anxiety and abuse. How does she feel about her Dad and you, the abuse? Talk, talk, talk. Forget the treats and the material things. Tell her you love her, try not to judge and rant. Use the money you save on material stuff to pay for private counselling now.

well done for keeping the bf away. He is last thing she needs.

Yes all teeangers have a phase of being a twat - I would say there is far more hurt and pain here, than normal teenage brat behaviour tbh.

DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:41

Just my advice of course and WIWD. Ams ure you already do those things but I owuld perservere - even though it is shit for you.

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:44

Does anyone think I should move out? I am the happiest I have ever been. I have known dp for years and he really is the nicest man in the world, which is amazing after ex. I don't actually think she means it, dp has done some lovely things for her, getting her out of scrapes etc

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DoMeDon · 29/07/2011 21:47

There seem to be no benefits to it. Will your realtionship withstand whatever she throws out? You will be on recieving end of some severe crap. The last thing she will be able to endure is being rejected by either of you.

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:50

The mad thing is that she does talk to me. I am the mum who all her friends talk to too. She confides the most personal things one minute and then flips. I have talked with her at length a out love and healthy relationships.

I hate confrontation, she knows that and uses it against me. I guess I am too soft.

I haven't tried to stop her seeing bf but have said he is not welcome in my house anymore. Originally I tried to include him in trips out and family bbqs but he was too shy. Since I found out how he treats her he isn't allowed in.

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Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 21:55

DP has been so good about everything but it's not easy living with her. It does put a strain on us but we talk through everything. He never tells me what to do and is very supportive. I just wish she would realise just what a happy life she would have if she just behaved.

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Muckyhighchair · 29/07/2011 22:07

I think the main thing is to get rid of the bf, if he's like that to her she's mirroring that back into you.

Attheendofmyteather · 29/07/2011 22:10

How do you get rid of him though. I didn't want to go down that route as I felt it may lead to a Romeo and Juliet type romance. Nothing more attractive than a boy you mum doesn't like.

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LineRunner · 29/07/2011 22:16

In all this noise you have to listen somehow to your daughter.

She wants to talk and for you to listen. Her suggesting just the two of you living together shows that.

But unless there are other reasons for you to change the living arrangements, than the best place to start seems to be good old simple communication. Make time for her; listen to her; care for her; show her you love her. Worth more than any amount of money or false freedoms.

Flip

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