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Argument with wife

(108 Posts)
dangalf Fri 29-Jul-11 15:17:03

hi - looking to get a female perspective on this. The argument seems to have now spiralled out of all proportion.

We have a 3 week baby girl. I have stated in the past that a) I don;t particularly like dummies and b) certainly don't want DD using one until at least a month old.

Anyway,the MIL is down visiting. The 3 of us were having dinner when my wife said something along the lines of 'Oh no, she's going to give us away' while looking at baby. I asked her what she meant and she admitted to giving DD a pacifier earlier in the day. I didn't say anything as obv didn't want to make a scene with her mum there. So, I carried on eating. However, conversation took a downturn, leading to some awkward silence. She now blames me for creating an atmosphere, being mean to her mother and says that it is unforgivable.

I said that I was upset because she knew I didn't want dummy, certainly until a monh old, and that she went ahead and did it anyway. I fear that my input is being ignored.

Anyway, we ignored each other for most of last night. we have now had ongoing text argument over it - with each of us becoming more entrenched in our argument. She now wants me to cancel BBQ (with friends and family) tomorrow. I refused as it is late notice and I don't want to ring around saying we are not doing it becuase of a fight. Especially as I think if it is still going on tomorrow that is ridiculous.

I think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.

Anyway, I'm prepared to accept it if the jury finds me in the wrong.

SiamoFottuti Fri 29-Jul-11 15:19:21

Why do you get to decide? Are you the one doing the majority of the caring? If not, personally I would have told you exactly where you could insert a dummy, and for how long.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 29-Jul-11 15:20:44

Yes, you're both being unreasonable about an incredibly petty matter, but it's understandable in the circumstances. Tell your wife you're sorry, give her a big hug and go to the BBQ.

BertyBurlington Fri 29-Jul-11 15:21:11

you have as much right to say no dummy as she has to say dummy

you have to find a compromise, whatever that is

manicbmc Fri 29-Jul-11 15:21:47

Tough one. I used dummies with my twins because it was the only way I could keep one reasonably happy while I fed the other but I know plenty of people don't like them.

The real difficulty comes when it's time to get rid of them. Total nightmare.

I never had a dummy as a baby but I sucked my thumb til I was 12 so maybe a dummy wouldn't be such a bad thing.

You need to have a good chat when you aren't both being unreasonable.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU Fri 29-Jul-11 15:22:35

Um OK. It's not the end of the world although I totally acknowledge that yes you have to have a huge say in how your daughter is brought up, of course.

However, If you are at work all day (apologies completely if that's not the case) and mostly your wife is dealing with your little girl? If so, I'd say really cut your wife some slack because dealing with a crying baby is really hard work and monotonous and maybe she thought giving your baby a dummy might help. Mine all had dummies, they were sucky babies and honestly, it was a lifesaver sometimes.

Don't fight over it, you were going to do it after a month anyway?

Good luck, I hope you sort it out sooner rather than later.

HippyHippopotamus Fri 29-Jul-11 15:22:56

have you asked her why she gave your dd a dummy?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 29-Jul-11 15:24:00

Both unreasonable to let it rumble so long. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. A lot of us start out thinking 'I'm never doing that!" and then events conspire to make liars of us. She presumably didn't tell you because she knew you'd kick off.... so learn fromthat. If you make every one of these occasions a battle you'll have a very miserable time bringing up your DS. You both need to be more honest and more flexible

StrandedBear Fri 29-Jul-11 15:24:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worldgonecrazy Fri 29-Jul-11 15:25:11

Why don't you want a dummy? Try calling it by its old name, a dummy tit, because that is what it is, a piece of rubber to give the baby a sense of comfort similar to that which it would normally get by suckling on your wife's breasts. They are not the work of the devil and can be a godsend for babies who like sucky comfort when mum wants a break from having baby latched on to her boob.

Your wife will still be emotionally and hormonally all over the place following birth, so in this situation I would back off and give her the last word on this, regardless of how unreasonable you think she is being.

It might be that the thought of a BBQ tomorrow with a 3 week old baby is also causing her some stress so make sure that you are doing EVERYTHING for the BBQ, including cleaning the house from top to bottom, buying the food, and getting everything ready.

MadamDeathstare Fri 29-Jul-11 15:25:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Fri 29-Jul-11 15:25:54

As someone who is currently at home with a shouty, demanding 6 week old baby I think YABU. Your wife is getting into a routine, finding out what works for her and baby and working out what comforts the baby. Honestly, assuming it is your wife who is currently doing the majority of the childcare at the moment I think you should leave her to it.

Can I ask why you don't want the baby to have a dummy til they are a month old?

JarethTheGoblinKing Fri 29-Jul-11 15:26:53

There is an argument that if BFing you should avoid a dummy until 6 weeks, but in other countries (Sweden springs to mind) where they don't have this recommendation BF rates are higher than in the UK.

There is some evidence that dummies may help prevent SIDS

I didn't want to use a dummy at all with DS, but after 2 weeks of screaming we gave him one and it made a massive difference.

JarethTheGoblinKing Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:09

Oh, lots of x-posts while I was rambling on there smile

Dozer Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:11

Think this sounds like one of those silly arguments that comes with the territory with a first baby and escalates cos everyone is frazzled.

Dummy/no dummy, it really doesn't matter (unless your wife wants to breastfeed, in which case they may not help with establishing bf in the early days). I do think that if your wife is doing most of the work at nights and with the baby then it should be her call.

Reckon the presence of your MIL is not a coincidence! Some MIL's have a problem recognising their son-in-laws as equal parents. Which makes the sons-in-law get all macho and "I get equal say too" and it can all get a bit competitive over quite small issues (like this one).

Hiding stuff from you isn't good, but nor is you making a bad atmosphere over a dummy. Bit out of proportion.

Hosting a BBQ sounds like a hassle so soon after baby's arrival, if you do cancel, just claim exhaustion.

Sounds like you both need to stop texting and just have a hug.

KurriKurri Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:18

Does OP not have a say in how the baby is brought up?- he's her father.

I think I would be annoyed that something has been done which you don't like the idea of, essentially behind your back. Is the use of the dummy connected with MIL's visit? (i.e. her idea?)

Anyway silent stand offs and texting battles rarely achieve very much, so I'd stop that and ask your wife for a truce calling chat. Why is she so keen on a dummy? - is the baby very fractious at the moment, is your wife struggling with feeling tired (and presumably still recovering from the birth). Can you put your viewpoint calmly, but also listen to what she feels, - there might be another way of settling the baby, or she might need more help from you.

good luck.

AgentZigzag Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:23

I know your DW blames you for an atmosphere at the meal with her mum, but I think it's good you didn't make a scene in front of her.

If you're not bothered about your DD using a dummy as such, why are you insisting she waits until she's a month old?

I can't understand all the stress around dummies, they're such a small thing in the lives of a child (if you compare it to encouraging a three year old to eat their dinner, or a teenager to get off their computer).

Are you sure you're not just digging your heels in to be stubborn? What difference will a week make?

Hassled Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:27

She's a tired hormonal wreck who is bound to over-react to anything and everything for the next few weeks. Your job is to just deal with it - normal service will resume eventually. It's hard to explain how emotional you feel and how even the tiniest blip seems like a huge deal, but it is just the huge change in hormones post-baby. It settles - be patient and don't expect her to be reasonable. Plenty of time to work out your involvement in your DS's upbringing - but your input will be appreciated more if you also take her POV into account rather than stating requirements.

Re the dummy - if it comforts the baby and helps your wife, why the hell not? The one month thing seems completely random - what on earth difference does it make if it's at 4 weeks or 3 weeks? Are you trying to pick an argument here? It's a tough time in your lives and really, you need to keep some perspective.

Apologise (yes, you do need to) and move on. She needs support, not petty silent treatment because you randomly decreed something.

vegetariandumpling Fri 29-Jul-11 15:27:29

you are both being unreasonable. It's not about the dummy per se, it's about the fact that you both feel the other isn't listening/respecting their opinion.

think we're probably both being a bit unreasonable but feel backed in to a corner as it is always me who has to apologise and clear the air in these situations and I want her to acknowledge atleast that my say should hold some sway in the way we bring up DS.

I understand where you're coming from, but maybe it would just be better to back down and keep the peace? It's a very stressful time for both of you afterall.

VelvetSnow Fri 29-Jul-11 15:29:42

Congratulations on the birth of your baby girl! I bet this is a very trying and testing time for you both. It doesn't help when you feel people are interfering, and your opinions get sidestepped.

Were you mean to her mother? If so YABU for that alone.

Personally, I don't see that one week would make much of a difference - why did you specify only using a pacifier at 1 month old? But if you and DW agreed this was the case then she was being unreasonable and doing as MIL said instead of you.

BUT, please be aware that your wife is still probably adjusting emotionally after giving birth just 3 weeks ago, and if prompted to use a pacifier by her mother then she may have thought "Oh, it's only 1 week earlier than we agreed, and to shut mother up I'll just go along with it"

Not saying she is right to just go along with it, but perhaps DW is still feeling fragile. Tread carefully with her.

Go home with flowers and/or a smile and say "whatever we disagreed on has happened, can we ensure that all decisions are joint in future" Promise to be nicer to your MIL and give DW a hug.

She needs you and you need her - work together grin

vegetariandumpling Fri 29-Jul-11 15:29:56

forgot to add, if you still feel you're not being listened to when baby is a bit older then try and bring it up with DW? (Calmly, and not when you're in the middle of a fight)

cheekeymonkey Fri 29-Jul-11 15:30:14

This really has gone a bit far hasn't it?

I really feel that BOTH of you need to pick your battles, you are going to have MUCH larger issues to argue over in the future. This one is a little futile IMO.

Yes, you should have some say in how your child is brought up but as your DW is probably is main carer she might need to over-ride your wishes sometimes so that she doesn't go bonkers.

I am very jealous of your DW though that you always back down and apologise (what a great guy!). Very sensible thing to do with a new mum who is probably very sleep deprived.

Be the bigger person again and just say calmly that you were hurt that your feelings on the matter weren't taken into consideration. Have a lovely time with friends etc at bbq and forget all about it. smile

bubblesincoffee Fri 29-Jul-11 15:30:21

Ok, first, your wife gave birth three weeks ago, and you have to bear in mind that she is still recovering physically and she is still going to be sensitive emotionaly. She will be tired. So when you are making your points, which I'm sure are valid, bear in mind that she is not 100% herself atm.

Basically, you need to talk about this and agree a way forward. That will mean you both have to compromise.

I was very anti dummies like you, but looking back I don't think occasional use would have hurt. But I do think they are the sort of thing that it is very easy to become dependant on, and it is horrible when a child has one stuck in their mouths half the time. There are good reasons to be against them. BUT, there are good reasons to want to use them when you are tired and the baby won't sleep for more than half an hour without one.

Your wife needs to realise that she should be making these descisions with you, not her Mother, because I think that is much bigger than the dummy issue. While she may want her Mum's advice and support, it up to the two of you to decide if you want to take that advice, but I do think she has a slightly bigger say than you if she is doing the vast majority of childcare.

Whatmeworry Fri 29-Jul-11 15:30:23

Whoever deals with the howling baby has the final say. One is just involved, the other one will be is committed.

Next up for "discussion":

- Formula Milk
- Cot vs Co Sleep
- Tits for Sex vs PFB
- "Real" nappies
- Wooden Toys vs plastic ones
- TV as Childminder

It goes on and on,and you are dealing with a hormonal woman scared as hell of making a mistake with her first child - prepare to get a teflon coated skin, and give her a lot of love,understanding and slack grin

MadamDeathstare Fri 29-Jul-11 15:31:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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