to dislike my daughter

[Neeliethere]

sometimes intensely. She's sullen, rude, self centred, bosses her friends around but does nothing for them, stubborn the point of great loss to herself, and then turns self pitying because nobody wants to do anything with her.

How on earth do we get through it. I really find her quite unpleasant to have around. I dread holidays etc. I really have to struggle to hide it.

We are on holiday at the moment and I swear this is the last.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

how old?

[DoMeDon]

She sounds very unhappy - maybe your energy would be better spent finding out why.

[Memoo]

Your dd will pick up negative vibes from you which will in turn affect her behaviour. Believe me it is no fun growing up feeling like your mum dislikes you. Change your behaviour and attitude towards her and you may fight your relationship improves.

[pranma]

How old is she?If her mum doesnt like her how can she like herself?if she doesnt like herself then how can she know how to be with others?She is your dd and all you have to do is be sure she knows she is loved-always.What you do about unpleasant behaviour depends on her age and the circumstances.

[Memoo]

fight find

[Claw3]

Im guessing a teenager, hormones and all that?

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

How old is she ?

[Allinabinbag]

How old is she and have you always felt like this? Sometimes my children's behaviour takes a lurch for the worse, and I hardly recognize them. They do usually lurch back, but when faced with a sulky moody child, it can be hard to find their lovable side. It's also hard when you spend a lot of money to go away and get there and they are still stroppy.

I don't know how you can reconnect with your daughter as I don't know how old she is. More details would help.

[Neeliethere]

She's 13. I tell her I love her and behave loving towards her most of the time. I have to admit a rant today because she is being such a shit head. However other times she can be sweet and kind but those occasions are getting rarer and rarer. I try so hard to get her interested in things. I know she is unhappy because her parents aren't happy (we have just decided to split). But I am at a loss to know how to get out of the spiral. I start every day with hope. I wake her in the morning only to get glared at, slamming around if I do get her up or just rolling over and going off to sleep again. Quite often we have girl time and we sit just cuddled up and reading or watching one of her tv programmes but as I say these times are getting further and further apart. She is just completely not proactive in her life at all. I am convinced if I did nothing she would spend every day in bed until around mid afternoon or early evening. Then she will crawl out of bed, watch tv or sit on the computer doing facebook or games. To see her sat around with a hoody t-shirt on with the hood up and pyjamas still on not having washed, brushed her hair or brushed her teeth. I am much aware of the advice, choose your battles but I am at a loss to know which ones to be honest. I am considering some kind of counselling for her, which I hope would involve me as I am clearly the one that has caused this unhappy person.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Is this happening at a certain time of the month ? Ie around the time of her period ?

My niece is 12 an having a horrendous time since starting her periods, she's actually been started on anti psychotic meds because of her violence and mood swings (she's also severely disabled so it's a wee bit different )

Am just trying to say, 13 is a tricky age, hormones are flying everywhere, just try to be patient and understanding.

[Neeliethere]

She hasn't started her periods yet. I am hoping when she does I might be able to be aware of the mood swing times or maybe, just maybe the hormones might settle once they do start.

I don't think it is entirely hormonal though. I have had problems with her engaging with anything throughout her life. She is afraid to show enthusiasm for anything to be honest. Its always been an issue that she would never put her hand up in class to answer a question even if she knew the answer. I have had so many teachers lament her lack of interest or enthusiasm for anything in school.

My other major problem is lying. I try to ignore them but we have had a couple of instances where her lies have landed us in hot water too.

I think I need professional help now before its too late. Anyone else gone down this route with their teenager?

[MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay]

It will improve... but it may be a while yet sorry! Teens can be the most miserable ungrateful unpleasant creatures on the planet... but they are also at their most needy, and at the most difficult stage in their lives.

It really is a case of being patient (as much as possible) and NOT taking it to heart. Honest..take it from a woman with 4 teenagers! Mine are 19,18,17 and 14 and the last few years have been incredibly hard work.. I've had anger, wall smashing violence, tantrums tears , first drunkeness, you name it.
BUT my surly uncommunicative strangers are gradually turning into fantastic young adults. The worst..my DS1 was AWFUL, is now a lovely 18 year old, kind, funny (still revoltingly untidy tho) and the others are almost human.

13 is a horrible age.. they feel grown up on minute and very young the next.. they can't budge an inch but still need you to be able to take charge.. it's hard. She DOES love you, you aren't the cause... and it will..eventually..settle again.

(In the meantime I have two recommendations... good wine, and hair dye for the grey hair you will get )

[Tchootnika]

It sounds as if you really should speak to a good counsellor or therapist, Neelie .
IKWYM about young people of that age being capable of ongoing behaviour that's beyond irritating, and when it seems to have become a state of affairs of course you feel despondent and want to bury your head in the sand, rant, or whatever.
But, tbh (if slightly harsh-sounding), I think that if you read your posts back to yourself (or if you did so in a few years time), you might quite reasonably think that you're being quite unfair on DD and on yourself.
DD's lying, for example, really needs to be addressed, and it sounds as if for several reasons you're not able to do this yourself without help at the moment. You're not doing DD any favours by ignoring it, though.
Please do get some good professional support, together, separately or for either one of you.

[ImperialBlether]

It's a very difficult time for her, both going through adolescence and through your separation with your husband. I think everyone here who's had teenagers can identify with living with someone who sleeps all day, but then sleeping is also something you do when you're depressed, isn't it, to try to block out the world.

I think she would find a counsellor very useful. I'd be interested to know why she doesn't engage with anything. Does she feel she'd be laughed at? Does she write well? Can she explain her views in writing? I don't mean on a personal level, but just wondered whether she could express herself in non-verbal ways.

I think it's important to keep showing her affection throughout all this. I know how hard it is. Think of yourself acting the part of a mother, if you find it difficult.

If she is to live with you, I think your husband needs to make it very clear that he wants to see a lot of her. She could get very depressed if she thinks her father doesn't want to see her, particularly if it's because of her own behaviour.

Good luck with her. It's an awful time, but it does end, honest!

[ImperialBlether]

Oh I missed the bit about her lying. Does she lie purely to get herself out of trouble (understandable) or for other reasons?

[Allinabinbag]

Neelie, I think you feel guilty and she is feeding into that- you are letting her behave in a very upleasant way to you because you feel bad you have put her in this position because you are splitting up. It sounds like there will be tough times ahead, Tchoot's post has great advice and I would check out the teen board here for good tips on how to deal with stroppy teenagers, I don't have teenagers yet but even a bit of my seven year old stropping and rolling eyes is enough to make me see red!

[TheFeministsWife]

TBH I disliked my DSD (raised as my own) around 90% of the time from the ages of 13 -15. If she hasn't started her periods yet she's bound to be like a hormonal timebomb waiting to go off, factor in you and her dad splitting and it's no wonder she is acting the way she is. The only way I got through it was constantly repeating to myself "It'll pass, she won't always be like this, she'll become the old DSD again". Which she eventually did.

[Claw3]

To be honest i think you have just described most teenagers.

I have a 14 and 17 year boys. I dont see them other than at meal times, they spend most of their time in their rooms. They get up in the afternoon, they dont want to do anything as a family anymore etc, etc

I thought this was normal teen behaviour.

[ImperialBlether]

I think she needs some help in how she deals with her friends. They're a life saver when you're a teenager.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

Neelie its the full time job of a teenager to be unpleasant. My dd is 12 & has been on the fast tracking to 'kevin the teenager' for some time.
I think its all raging hormones & trying to find ones identity.
My niece was like this & my SIL assures me that from age 15 things do get better so ......hard hat on cos its something you need to sit out - a helps immensely.

[DoMeDon]

She takes no interest in life or herself, her parents are splitting up, she is 13 and her mum describes her as a shit head. Counselling - definately - for both of you. Could you try maintianing your behaviour in spite of hers - you should be the adult no matter how tough it gets.