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to get in touch with my dds brothers mum even tho she doesnt know about dd?

(26 Posts)
biddysmama Wed 27-Jul-11 15:25:07

dds (28 months) dad left me when i found out i was pregnant, he gave me the choice of having an abortion or he was going... ive not seen him since although we are members on a forum and have some friends in common

when i said i was keeping the baby he phoned the police saying i was harrassing him, i wasnt contacting him at all, told my friends i was a slapper,baby wasnt his, made up things i had supposedly said, tried to get my friend fired from her job because she stuck up for me,and told me there was cancer in his family and my baby would die from it..

ive just found out that i have a friend in common with his 2nd childs mum, ive told my friend and she says she is lovely but i dont know whether to contact her, i dont want him to find out (he is free to contact me) and get vindictive again? from what my friends said he treated her badly aswell but he sees their child regularly ..


i dont know whether to contact her

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Jul-11 15:26:57

Let sleeping dogs lie. There's no good reason for the woman to know her daughter has a half-brother and, if you break the news, you're the bad guy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Jul-11 15:27:58

son has a half-sister...getting my D's and S's mixed up...

ZillionChocolate Wed 27-Jul-11 15:28:08

If they're not in a relationship, then I probably would contact her. Even if DD has a lousy dad, she might benefit from a nice sibling.

DogsBestFriend Wed 27-Jul-11 15:28:54

Why on earth would you want to? confused

Your link is what... that you share one friend and an arsehole of an ex? Not much reason to be contacting her afaics.

If I were you I'd let sleeping dogs lie. I wouldn't open up a can of worms whereby the ex can start his tricks again and come to that I wouldn't allow him within 100 miles of my daughter.

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:29:36

I really don't know. Why would you contact her - so dd would know her half-brother although she doesn't know their dad and at some stage she would learn the brother sees the dad she does not see - do you see what I mean?

Or is it that you are hoping at some stage to get him to see your dd regularly as he apparently sees the boy?

biddysmama Wed 27-Jul-11 15:30:16

the reason i'm thinking about it is that her son is my daughters brother

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:31:46

up to you, of course, I don't know. I don't know if it will be good for dd or good for you.

bubblesincoffee Wed 27-Jul-11 15:32:02

WHY would you want to contact her?? confused

What for?

What are you hoping to gain?

I don't get it.

Are you hoping your child will get a sibling out of this? If so, I wouldn't bother. It would be a can of worms that your child is better off without.

feckwit Wed 27-Jul-11 15:33:08

Oh this is hard because I feel that your daughter deserves a chance of a relationship with her sibling BUT does the other woman know about you?

I don't think you should be the one to tell her about your daughter if she is unaware your ex has had another child. However, if she does know, then I can't see any reason why you shouldn't make an approach and test the water.

Can your mutual friend do some digging?

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:34:17

do you know how old the other child is?

Groovee Wed 27-Jul-11 15:34:38

my friend and the woman who has a son with the same bloke, got in touch with each other to allow the boys to know about each other and the boys get on really well. But some people it wouldn't work out as well for.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Jul-11 15:34:51

Just because they share some genes, they have nothing else in common. I think you have some romantic idea about long-lost siblings but would find the reality a bit of a let-down.

biddysmama Wed 27-Jul-11 15:35:39

he is 7, she doesnt know about dd, none of his family do, he says she isnt his but she definately is

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:38:37

could be quite hurtful for you and for dd, you know. How would it feel for you to have contact to them and to see that your dd's father who will not acknowledge her even is taking the boy out and buying birthday presents etc? She may well be generally nice but perhaps she will not be nice to you, or to dd.

What about the grandparents, his parents, are they around?

biddysmama Wed 27-Jul-11 15:40:24

we arent in contact with anyone from his side

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:42:11

very difficult for you. If I went to meet her , I think I would not take dd the first time and see how it goes.Be prepared that it might not be pleasant, you never know. He may have told her about you and claimed dd is not his, he doesn't sound the nicest type of man

DogsBestFriend Wed 27-Jul-11 15:42:59

It's unlikely that a 7 yo boy is going to have any interest in or proper relationship with a baby. The contact will be between you and the lad's mother and if she decides to discuss it with your unpleasant ex you're screwed, basically.

BreakOutTheKaraoke Wed 27-Jul-11 15:43:07

I'm in a similar situation with my DD. The children haven't met each other, and I'm not sure whether the other child knows about my DD, as he is being raised by another man, has a new baby brother, and has no contact with ex. However, my DD knows she has a half brother living in Scotland, and I'm in very, very occasional (once a year, ish) contact with the mum. I did know the mum a little when she lived in the area, but this was when the lad was 2, and was having contact with exes parents, before DD was born, or there was any idea of her!

I don't think its fair to keep it secret from the child, to be honest. Imaginine finding out in some way when they are a teenager, or adult? I can't imagine I would be very happy with my mum if I found out something like that now.

ZZZenAgain Wed 27-Jul-11 15:43:38

I think I would be more likely to contact the grandparents but once again , you never know how these things will go. They may side with their son and choose not to believe you - or they may be kind and happy to know dd. You cannot really predict these things, can you?

itisnearlysummer Wed 27-Jul-11 15:43:43

I'd make one very neutral contact. No reference to ex, how badly he treated you, no questions about their relationship/contact, nothing emotive.

I'd introduce myself, give the facts for me getting in touch.

Acknowledge that it might seem a bit strange you doing so and then leave the ball firmly in her court.

The children won't remain so forever. They might find comfort in the future from someone who understands their position. I wouldn't expect you and other chld's mum to become more than the mothers of ex's children to each other.

If it comes to nothing, at least you tried.

DogsBestFriend Wed 27-Jul-11 15:48:31

Karaoke, I found my estranged father when I was in my early 20s, my parents having divorced when I was 5.

I discovered that he had children by a second wife and was stepfather to the partner who followed the 2nd wife.

And I shrugged. So... ? I don't think it's all the big deal it's cracked up to be - the people in life who matter are there in your heart for what they are to you, not who they are to you... ask any decent stepparent or appreciative stepchild!

BrianKnowsAll Wed 27-Jul-11 15:48:50

i would probably feel compelled to tell her so that in 18 years time they can't come home with a lovely new partner and then have to be told... best get it out in the open now and then they both know they have a sibling.

DogsBestFriend Wed 27-Jul-11 15:49:30

Bugger! My father was stepfather to THE CHILDREN OF the partner who followed his 2nd wife, not to the witch herself!

RubyLovesMayMay Wed 27-Jul-11 16:58:42

Whether you want to get in contact with the Mum to establish their sibling relationship or not, I think it is important that they are at least aware they are related.

I never knew my Dad growing up and then when he died when I was 15, I found out that I had 7 siblings living in the town where he was born. So I met them all at his funeral (including one from Canada) and we have been close ever since (10 years ago). There was never any animosity between any of the mothers even though he had not treated many of them very well when they had relationships with him. I specifically remember one of my sister's Mum saying to me on the phone "we dont want there to be any bad vibes because you are my daughter's family and we all cant wait to meet you".

18 months after my Dad's funeral one of my "new" siblings died, so it always gets to me that I never knew her for longer, she was only 21.

My Dad had two other kids in the same town where I lived that I had known all my life because our Mums always made a point that we are sisters/brothers and that we need to know who each other are and just because he wasn't around for us, doesnt mean that we shouldn't be there for each other.

Sorry for the long ramble but my point is that even though meeting my family worked out for the best, it might not have but at least I had the choice of knowing them to make the decision whether I wanted them in my life or not.

OP, your DD is too young to make that decision right now but her half brother is older and maybe not now but at some point he will need to know that he has a sister.

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