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AIBU regarding boundaries when it comes to dp's ex?

(48 Posts)
farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 13:51:20

Dp and I live together with my son. He has got 2 girls who stay with u s regularly. He is off work for the summer and thus providing the childcare for me and his ex.

Today he has decided to look after the children at his ex's flat (also his old home where they lived together for 13 years)

AIBU to be upset and think that this is inappropriate? I have already told him how uncomfortable their closeness makes me as he has a history of going back to her time and again

worraliberty Wed 27-Jul-11 13:52:41

Tough one really

If he's going to go back to her, he'll do it now matter where he minds the kids I suppose.

BertyBurlington Wed 27-Jul-11 13:56:20

if she is at work, whats the problem

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:08:46

I dont know really BertyBurlington- it just makes me uncomfortable that he is spending the day in the home they built together

For the record I have a big house with big garden and on a close so kids can play out. and she has a flat on the main road. Dont really see his logic.

She finishes work at 3

cricketballs Wed 27-Jul-11 14:10:39

maybe his DDs wanted to stay at their main home and play with the toys they have there/friends close by?

IvyAndGold Wed 27-Jul-11 14:11:45

Hmm, depends how long you have been together, how long since they have broken up, if she would be there or not, what kind of person he is, and the kind of person his ex is.

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:12:23

cricketballs our home is their home too though - I wouldn't want ds's dad sitting at mine minding ds, and I am sure current dp wouldnt like it either, although he says differently now I have told him how I feel

DogsBestFriend Wed 27-Jul-11 14:14:18

I can understand you being upset (well, I can and I can't, I wouldn't bat an eyelid myself but can see that some might!) but it's not inappropriate.

That flat is his children's home. It's perfectly reasonable for their father to care for them there and good that he has a sufficiently agreeable relationship with his ex in order to do so. I won't let my ex DH through the door, much less in my home unattended!

ZillionChocolate Wed 27-Jul-11 14:14:58

I don't really see your problem with it. Either you trust him or you don't. Why shouldn't he care for his children in their home?

cricketballs Wed 27-Jul-11 14:17:22

"I wouldn't want ds's dad sitting at mine minding ds, and I am sure current dp wouldnt like it either"

but what would your DS want if he had the choice?

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:17:59

He has got my ds with him too. Thats another thing I find makes me uncomfortable.

Also, he has discussed the discipline of MY ds with his ex wwhilst I was in work this week as his youngest dd and my ds were playing up

bubblesincoffee Wed 27-Jul-11 14:18:51

Surely the girls have more of their own stuff at the home they soend most time in though?

I wouldn't have a problem with this, my ex and I get on well, and he spends a bit of time here sometimes. There are odd occassions where it works best for him to look after the dc here. My ex and my dh get on well, and the only person who has a problem with it is ex's new dp.

If she could just get over herself and put the dc first instead of her own insecurities, everyone would be happy, most importantly the children!

YellowDaffodil Wed 27-Jul-11 14:21:34

How old are the children involved?

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:22:11

the children are 12, 5 & 5

Mowlem Wed 27-Jul-11 14:23:38

If he looks after your DS too, then what does your DS do when he is at their house? Surely its not fair on your son to be looked after in someone else's home, where he would have no sex appropriate toys (if he is that kind of boy).

I would have thought it would be better if he stayed at your house, where all the children will have a bedroom (assuming the girls stay at yours sometimes) and toys. Otherwise it is not fair and favouring his daughters.

sue52 Wed 27-Jul-11 14:24:26

I don't see the problem. The flat is his daughter's home. It's also good for your DS to spend time with his step sisters. If his daughter was playing up it's right he spoke about it with her mother, your DS was probably mentioned because he was involved in the incident. I would be pleased if my partner had a good relationship with the mother of his children.

YellowDaffodil Wed 27-Jul-11 14:25:56

I can see why a 12 year old DD would rather be at home with her own things, I am guessing you mostly have 5 year old toys in your house? Maybe she wants to play out during the day?

I am also guessing you and DP have been together a while since you live together? If you are afraid he is going to go back to her (you say he has a history of this, how often and after how long?) then that is a seperate issue from the childcare surely?

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:26:35

Mowlem that is how I feel. The girls stay all the time, they have clothes and toys and their own room

bubblesincoffee Wed 27-Jul-11 14:26:51

But it would favour OP's son over his dd's if all of them were only ever looked after in OP's house!

He's giving you free childcare, albeit for his own step son, but surely your dp has some right to say where he would prefer to spend the day. If I had two places to choose from to look after children throughout the six weeks, I'd make use of both of them.

And the 12yo might want to be out a bit with some friends that live near her Mum's.

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:29:14

YellowDaffodil I am not scared he is going back to her, its been a long time since they were together but I just find their closeness inappropriate. She still see's him as the 'man' in her life and he does all sorts of odd jobs for her and everytime she needs someone to talk to it is him she calls

farnywarny Wed 27-Jul-11 14:30:39

bubblesincoffee its not really free childcare - he isn't working/contributing for the whole 6 weeks holidays

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 14:33:48

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swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 14:34:29

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jeckadeck Wed 27-Jul-11 14:34:30

I can understand your feeling uncomfortable about it but I don't really see what you can do about it. As he's providing childcare he's within his rights to choose where this takes place and I can see the obvious appeal for his children with his ex of having their familiarity. Sorry, but unless you suspect something is actually going on with the ex (which it doesn't sound like you do) I think you have to take this one on the chin.

swallowedAfly Wed 27-Jul-11 14:35:02

Message withdrawn

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