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To not want to go to nephew's christening cos I don't like the mum?

(27 Posts)
Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:06:19

This has been brewing for 20 years. My sister in law is the most selfish person on the planet, always talks about herself and her kids and totally snubs me and mine. She is jealous of the attention my children get from her parents (their grandparents) especially as hers got older (and less cute). She lives around the corner from her parents, while we only visit ocassionally. She has now had another baby and it is unbearable as ALL family conversation is rerouted to him (what colour are his poos today etc etc). She didn't congratulate me nor made any reference to the fact I was pregnant when I had my second, never asks after the girls and doesn't even say 'how are you' if I should answer the fphone. The final snub came when I gave her lots of baby equipment to which she hasn't even acknowledged or said thank you for to me or my husband (her brother). I printed loads of photos of her wedding for her, which she again hasn't acknowledged. I don't know that we've fallen out over anything particularly, it's just the way she is. Now her son is being christened and I feel nothing but dread at having to spend the day with her as all these little things have added up and I'm boiling. I really don't feel like buying a present that she will no doubt accept and not say thank you for. Am I being unreasonable?

worraliberty Wed 27-Jul-11 12:08:51

I just feel sorry for the rest of the family, it all sounds so petty and bitchy.

If that's how you feel then YANBU to stay away.

Let your DH enjoy the day with his Nephew and Sister and he can choose the present.

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 27-Jul-11 12:12:01

Agree, she sounds a nightmare, if it's such a hassle for you then stay away. Nice to know you're not taking it out on your little nephew though...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 27-Jul-11 12:13:47

YANBU but sometimes you have to be the bigger person. A christening is not the appropriate time to settle scores but you're going to look petty if you stay away. Some people live in a bubble and think everything revolves around them. They often don't realise that they've upset anyone because they're rather thick-skinned themselves. If she upsets you with thoughtlessness in future, tell her immediately rather than stewing.

worraliberty Wed 27-Jul-11 12:15:53

They both sound as bad as each other to me....

She is jealous of the attention my children get from her parents (their grandparents) especially as hers got older (and less cute)

She has now had another baby and it is unbearable as ALL family conversation is rerouted to him (what colour are his poos today etc etc)

It's not a competition you know!

squeakytoy Wed 27-Jul-11 12:15:59

You sound as if you are competing against each other rather than part of the same family to be honest.

Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:18:13

Yeah, should have said, that's why I'm sore - DH (what DOES that stand for?) is on a boys weekend from tomo, meaning I have been left with getting gift and getting our kids half way across the country for a 10.30 christening (they have to be there really) And I don't mind that really, it's just that it feels I'm putting in a huge amount of effort for someone who couldn't give two hoots about me. I guess that's what you do for families though. I will go, I just wanted to rant really... Why do people have such bad manners these days? Y

LynetteScavo Wed 27-Jul-11 12:20:56

I'm pretty sure we all have relatives we don't like.

Be the bigger person, buy a gift, attend the Christening, and do what is expected of you, but if you don't feel like going the extra mile and doing her any particular favours, that's fine.

lesley33 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:23:31

She sounds like my SIL - and brother. They always just talk about themselves and their children and show no interest in anyone else. But they expect everyone to be very interested in their child.

I think, because other family will be there, you need to go. Other family will notice if you are not there and may disapprove of you not going. And it really isn't worth upsetting other family members for this.

I always find in these situations that if my expectations are very low, it is easier to cope with the day.

Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:23:57

worraliberty - I KNOW it's not a competition, I was just ranting cos I have to be super nice on Sunday! It's hard to explain but she just makes me feel really uncomfortable when we are all in the same place, like I shouldn't be there. And before you jump down my throat, I know it's not about me. And the rest of tha family aren't affected, I keep my rage to myself. I guess it's because my own family aren't like that at all I find the bad manners hard to stomach. I do feel better having 'outed' an admittedly not very big problem though :-)

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 27-Jul-11 12:24:50

But you're not buying a gift for her, you're buying it for a 1 year old. It's not his fault you don't like his mother. It's his day not hers.

hester Wed 27-Jul-11 12:24:54

Well, I suppose it comes down to what sort of outcome you are hoping for?

It sounds like you and she will never get on, so you have to choose whether you want to escalate the aggro, maintain this level of bitching and sniping ad infinitum, or try to cool it.

In your position, I would try to choose cooling it (not saying I'm saintly, but who needs to live with that kind of blood pressure?) I would either go, accepting that it will be irritating, and just keep muttering to myself 'smile and wave, smile and wave' throughout the day, then go home, pour a glass of wine and have a quick vent.

Or I would not go, but come up with a good enough excuse that it didn't spark a whole new round of discontent.

Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:26:21

"They always just talk about themselves and their children and show no interest in anyone else. But they expect everyone to be very interested in their child."

Exactly, that's exactly what I'm talking about!

worraliberty Wed 27-Jul-11 12:27:16

I understand what you're saying OP

But normally in these cases it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

It's difficult for one person to be petty and bitchy on their own if you see what I mean?

Either way, I'm sure your kids will have a good time so it will probably be worth biting your tongue for a day.

Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:28:37

Gwen - so right. Yes, that's the way to think of it. He's only 8 weeks so won't expect him to say thank you!

Cheryllou Wed 27-Jul-11 12:34:15

Can I just say I don't really like the word bitching? I'm sure I've done/said things that have irritated her and for all I know she may feel the same way about me as I do her. But I'm not a bitch, neither is she. It's my girls I feel it for though, soon enought they are going to realise their aunty has no interest in them and what one can bear for oneself is much harder to bear for ones children. But message received, get on the with day for family harmony and remember to always say Thank YOu!

GwendolineMaryLacey Wed 27-Jul-11 12:37:30

8 weeks? Where did I get a year from then? grin Even better then, he's about as innocent of all this as you can get. Buy him something nice (that she'll hate!) and think of it as his day. Be nice, smile and then come home and shout about how horrible she is! grin

redexpat Wed 27-Jul-11 18:49:47

YANBU.

Whatmeworry Wed 27-Jul-11 20:19:19

Go, let your DC charm her parents all the time, flirt outrageously with her DH (DH means damned dear Husband), drink all the booze and buy a wildly inapproriate present grin

OP, no I don't suppose you are BU at all - but I agree with previous postings - it's NOT the place to settle scores. You could actually take the piss and be all 'Oh, DO tell me ALL about that, it sounds absolutely fascinating' and just giggle to yourself, and give her a voucher for some store or other...

Be gracious, withhold ALL sexual favours from your husband for a month to teach the selfish git a lesson, and have a super DVD/bottle of wine - whatever, with which to treat yourself after the event?

Chin up, girl, it'll be fine...

snippywoo2 Wed 27-Jul-11 21:04:23

I would go. Be the happiest most friendly person towards her that you can be. It might go against all you feel, but do it anyway lol. If she is not the same back and is a cow towards you, it is her behaviour that everyone else will take note of. Also get your O/H to choose the present, that way if she pulls a face at it you can point out he chose it. I hate this saying but here goes, be the better person. When it's all over have as little to do with her as possible and stop giving her stuff and doing things for her.

Mare11bp Wed 27-Jul-11 21:17:59

My SIL exactly the same. Someone described her as having pregnancy jealousy. I have no idea but like you not once has she ever asked me how pregnancy is for me, how my DS is getting on at nursery, etc etc. Or how work or life is. Ever.

It's so rude and I can't imagine ever being in the same room as someone and not chatting or asking how they are.

I withdrew at one point, and didn't go to events like you are considering. But now I have gone full circle and go out of my way to make an effort with her and her kids. I will always make sure I turn up at any events as long as I am not working.

The reasons? It makes me feel that at least one of us is behaving like an adult. It avoids me being criticised by the extended family for being petty. And dare I say it it sometimes leaves me feeling a bit smug grin.

I actually feel a bit sorry for my SIL. I suggest you get past your SIL's bad behaviour, have a few drinks and enjoy yourself! You go home in the full knowledge that your conscience is clear wink.

ImperialBlether Wed 27-Jul-11 21:19:41

Worral, sorry but that is just rubbish!

"But normally in these cases it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

It's difficult for one person to be petty and bitchy on their own if you see what I mean?"

You've been on here a while; you must have seen tons of people be petty and bitchy on their own (either the posters or the people they're talking about!)

MorticiaAddams Wed 27-Jul-11 22:11:20

It's my girls I feel it for though, soon enought they are going to realise their aunty has no interest in them and what one can bear for oneself is much harder to bear for ones children.

You feel this for your children but think it's perfectly acceptable to say that her children are less cute because they're older. If that's your opinion then perhaps she can sense it and that's why she doesn't like you.

InstantAtom Wed 27-Jul-11 22:45:43

YABU. It's your nephew's Christening, not anyone else's.

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