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AIBU to have a friendship with a guy that I know my OH would not approve of??

(81 Posts)
Shell85 Wed 27-Jul-11 11:51:29

my other half is in the army, and is away for long periods of time with practically no contact. A lot of the time I feel like a single parent, and most of the time I feel like a single woman.

To help with the loneliness I joined a forum for people who are in/or have friends or family in the military.
It had been a huge help and great support and I have made a few good friends.
One of those friends is a guy who is in the RAF.
He is lovely, and we have a lot in common.
We exchanged phone numbers and have been texting and chatting on the phone.
We text each other daily and have developed a really good friendship.
He is based on a camp about an hour and a half away from where I live and we have arranged to meet up and have a night out together.

I don't intend to sleep with this guy or anything, I would never cheat on my DH.

I know my DH would not approve of this friendship, but I don't really care.

When we first got married my DH promised he would look for a training job so that we could be together and raise a family, but that never happened.
He loves he job, and has no intentions of giving it up any time soon.

Do you think I am wrong to be friends with this guy behind my DH back?

I am not lying to DH or anything, I have not spoken to him since I became friends with the RAF guy, but if I had I would have told him about my new friend.
But I still know how he would react to the friendship.

squeakytoy Wed 27-Jul-11 11:56:10

I know my DH would not approve of this friendship, but I don't really care.


You are kidding yourself that this is just a friendship, it clearly isnt going to end up as just a friendship, but I think you know that really and are just trying to justify yourself.

Yes, you are being deceitful. I appreciate your life may feel lonely, but you are heading for an affair which will probably be the end of your marriage.

If you want out, be fair and end your marriage. Do you have children already?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 27-Jul-11 11:57:57

How would you feel about it, were the boot on the other foot, OP?

You are being unreasonable because you know your DH wouldn't approve and you're still considering it - don't! He will find out about it and your relationship will suffer for the lies in the meantime. It's not worth it.

Nancy66 Wed 27-Jul-11 11:59:37

I'm sure there must be other women on the forum that you'd have more in common with.

I think it's a very foolish thing to do - how would you feel if you found out your husband was having nights out with local women (wherever he is based) and not telling you? Not to mention the secret emailing, texting and phone calls.

It's a shitty thing to do - so don't do it.

Naoko Wed 27-Jul-11 12:00:45

I think it is unreasonable of your DH to approve or disapprove your friends. You can be friends with anyone you like, you're an adult!

What will your DH's problem with the situation be? That you have a friend, that you have a male friend? Does he think you might cheat on him just because you have a friend who happens to be male? If that is the case I would not be happy with the situation at all, but then I'm one of those people who does believe men and women can be just friends and nothing more. Thankfully, or I'd be very lonely - 90% of my friends are male.

I'd say you'd be wrong if you lied to your DH about it, but it sounds like you haven't and aren't planning on it either, so you're not being unreasonable at all and your DH is just going to have to live with it.

YABU...and you are on a very slippery slope!! And you know it!!

noblegiraffe Wed 27-Jul-11 12:04:22

You don't intend to sleep with this guy but do you fancy him? Do you think about him when you should be thinking about your DH?

You could be cheating emotionally if not physically.

Totally unreasonable.. and frankly a path to disaster.

I'm sorry but trust in your partner is essential, especially when one is away from long periods. I was an RAF wife for 15 years (til DH left the RAF, we are still together!) and I would have been absolutely devastated if my DH had struck up a 'friendship' with a woman while away and I KNOW he would have felt the same. Texting anyone daily is a RELATIONSHIP ..I'm sorry but it is and you know that.

You are being unfaithful in spirit if not in bodysad

worraliberty Wed 27-Jul-11 12:05:35

You sound (to me anyway) like you're considering the possibility of sleeping with him.

ZillionChocolate Wed 27-Jul-11 12:06:44

I was "just friends" with my DH for the best part of a year before anything happened between us. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see it was inevitable that something was going to happen. I wouldn't have a friendship with a female friend where I would text/email them several times a day, every day, and speak to them for up to an hour every day and see them most days, however (probably because I had a boyfriend who lived away) I managed to convince myself that this was all absolutely fine. Doh! I think you're on shaky ground and need to be very careful.

BertyBurlington Wed 27-Jul-11 12:08:09

is this "friendship" worth losing your husband, house and family over? We all know its not innocent. You are probably lonely and feeling flattered by the attention

it aint worth it for all the hurt it causes, believe me

EuphemiaMcGonagall Wed 27-Jul-11 12:08:51

YABU - your behaviour is disgusting and callous, and to try to claim it's your partner's fault for not getting a different job is duplicitous.

Grow up.

PhilipJFry Wed 27-Jul-11 12:09:38

It sounds as if the big problem is the underlying issues with your husband- the distance and lack of contact, the fact that the plans to settle down and live together and raise a family never came to fruition and suchlike. It must be an incredibly hard situation to deal with at times, especially since you hoped that things wouldn't turn out this way. You aren't wrong to be friends with someone but it seems as if this could possibly lead to something happening- you two meeting up alone while you feel often feel like a single woman and seem as if you're unhappy with areas of your life. It does seem like a bit of a slippery slope, like someone else has said.

"When we first got married my DH promised he would look for a training job so that we could be together and raise a family, but that never happened.

He loves he job, and has no intentions of giving it up any time soon. "

This is surely the real issue, isn't it?

bubblesincoffee Wed 27-Jul-11 12:11:22

Do your husbands feelings matter to you at all?

Do you see the point in being married?


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 27-Jul-11 12:11:45

If you're doing things that your DH wouldn't approve of, you're in the mindset of cheating already.

IvyAndGold Wed 27-Jul-11 12:11:50

^'I know my DH would not approve of this friendship, but I don't really care.'
'We exchanged phone numbers... We text each other daily'
'...most of the time I feel like a single woman.'^

It does not sound like you're considering just being friends to me, sorry.

Why are you asking if you don't care what he'll think anyway?

PhilipJFry Wed 27-Jul-11 12:12:24

(I mean, is the issue that's making you unhappy?)

Ambergambler Wed 27-Jul-11 12:15:16

As long as you have made it clear to new friend, that he is just that, and you genuinely feel nothing then you have nothing to worry about. However, I have a feeling this guy is flirting with you, and because you feel neglected, he is making you feel better. I think your DH is making you feel second best to his job, which in turn has affected your self esteem. This new friend is boosting your self esteem again, and allowing you to feel happier in yourself.
You know you DH would disapprove, because you know there is flirting there. Otherwise there would be no issue.
I think you should meet this guy, because RL is very different to talk / text / online chat. See how you feel after you have met him. Bear in mind though, that if this guy fancies you, even if you're not interested it will probably not end well. If you like him in 'that' way, then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with yourself about your feelings for DH and if you want to be with him. It doesn't sound like anything is going to change any time soon with his job. If you are deeply unhappy, finish the relationship.
Your decision regarding your relationship should not be based on this man, other than to consider the fact the you wouldn't be in contact with him if you were happy. If you do want to stay with DH, then you need to look into other things you can do to improve the relationship, starting with being happy in yourself.
Sorry it's long - hope some of it is of use.

Shell85 Wed 27-Jul-11 12:20:19

*we are JUST friends, I have no intention what so ever of doing anything with this guy.
I have many male friends but unless they are joint friends my DH doesn't like them.

I am not hiding anything from my DH, if/when I speak to him I have every intention of telling him about my new friend. I would never lie to him, I have no reason to as I am not doing anything wrong.

DH is one of those people that doesn't believe a man and a woman can just be friends, that is why I know he will not approve.

But there is nothing between us other than friendship, and there never will be.*

Pakdooik Wed 27-Jul-11 12:21:56

Don't do it. Simple as that IMHO.

squeakytoy Wed 27-Jul-11 12:23:05

Texting someone who is basically a stranger off the internet, and chatting on the phone to them daily is NOT just a friendship, it is leading up to more.

You know that though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Wed 27-Jul-11 12:24:52

Righty-ho then OP... see you Relationships when you're dividing up the spoils.

IvyAndGold Wed 27-Jul-11 12:25:53

So... why are you asking us?

IvyAndGold Wed 27-Jul-11 12:26:42

Lol LyingWitch, exactly what I was thinking...

BertyBurlington Wed 27-Jul-11 12:31:39

oh well, you have made up your mind

dont whinny or try to blame your OH when it all ends in tears, because it will, sure as eggs is eggs smile

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