to be fucking livid about my 10 yr old DD being ganged up on and called a whore!!!

[inatrance]

I honestly don't know what to do about this, I am incandescent and devastated for my DD (10) and would appreciate any help on how to deal with this.

About 4 months ago we moved to a new area about a mile from our old house. My DD still attends the same school but unlike our old house, there are hardly any kids where we live (I actually hate it here but that's another thread) and she's been quite lonely since we moved having got used to playing out and being able to call for friends.

In her year they have a combined yr5/6 class and one of the older girls in DD's class lives in this area, so she got to know this girl, so had one 'friend' round here. This older girl who I will call 'B' invited my DD and another friend for a sleepover a couple of months ago, and my DD came back upset and a bit confused as this girl had fallen out with her and had kept her up half the night making a huge drama out of it.

A few days later my DD told me that this girl and a gang of her friends had followed her into the toilets at school and pushed and threatened her. I rang her teacher the following day who told me that DD had confided in her before it happened that she was worried 'B' would do this as DD had seen something at this girl's house that had gone missing at school and mentioned it at the sleepover, which is why this girl had threatened my DD and turned nasty with her. The teacher reassured me that it had been dealt with and said she was as shocked as I at the nastiness displayed by this gang of girls and said that 'B' and a few others in that year 6 group were known to staff as troublemakers. Her advice was that DD steer clear of 'B' as much as she could. I agreed and DD stopped playing out and avoided this girl at school.

So all ok, until a couple of weeks ago my DD said this girl had made friends with her again. I obviously didn't want her going anywhere near but my DD begged to be allowed to go up to where this girl lives and the local park (about 10 mins walk) and with worries of her being bored all summer, gave in. She's been playing out with this girl and some other girls the same age (11-12) and has been getting on ok apart from a couple of incidents, ie (the older kids bossing her around and getting her to do stuff, such as tying their shoelaces ) I have told her to say 'no' and not let them tell her what to do).

I was still worried that this girl may turn on her again so made sure DD never left the house without her phone. Today I had DD ringing me on the way back in bits saying that they had all ganged up on her (several 11yr olds and an older girl of 14) and started being verbally nasty (going off in huddles and bitching etc), started insulting her, telling her she was fat and ugly (amongst other nasty things) and called her a slag, slut and a whore!!

Then the older girl grabbed her by the hair and pulled it, then they walked off sneering and laughing.

My DD was just so upset when she got back and I am livid. I have the address and home phone number of 'B' who was the ringleader and I was going to march around there tonight and see her mother but I was so angry I thought I'd better calm down before I act.

What should I do? DH persuaded me to not go round and sleep on it. Any advice appreciated thanks.

[essexmumma]

Oh my, I have no advice but I do hope your DD is ok! Bless her. Kids can be cruel-big hugs x

[LineRunner]

This is not a friendship for your daughter; it's a nasty exploitative set-up and you need to put your foot down and tell her that she won't be allowed near 'B' or her pals in the future.

There may be someone in school tomorrow you can talk to - do call.

You are within your rights to report this to the police as an assault and ask them to visit 'B' and her parent(s). Your 'Safer Neighbourhood' ought to be able to handle this and give advice.

The main thing is to prevent any repetition. And to avoid a horrible pointless screaming match with 'B''s mother. Do you feel she'll be receptive to you?

[cheesesarnie]

horrible.

if you only moved a mile away,can she not still play with old friends?

[hellymelly]

That is horrible.I feel very angry on behalf of you and your poor dd. I was ganged up on and attacked by a girl and a group of which she was ringleader when I was 10.The police were called as she was a stranger to me,and months later when I was with my father,I saw the girl going into a house (the police hadn't traced her).My father went in and had "strong words" with her father.(my Dad is a very polite and kind person).I don't know what was said but my Dad seemed satisfied. However not knowing this girl's family it is hard to know what sort of response you would get? Maybe leave it until tomorrow and telephone or call round but try and stay as calm as you can while stating firmly that your dd is being bullied by this girl and that is must stop.Calling a ten year old a whore is really awful.

[reelingintheyears]

I too have no advice but can only say

That,i may add,is the first time i have ever sent ..

I hate this stuff...DS2 was bullied at school and it all makes me want to cry.

We tried to sort it all out with the school but eventually we moved and he changed schools at my insistence.

DS wanted to stay at the same school because he had developed 'coping strategies' within the school.

He would hide round corners and always had lunch in the library etc

I hate bullies.

[intelligenceitself]

Tell B not to fuck with your child again. All this calming down first stuff is a mistake. Bullies need to be backed down by adult rage, it works every time. I've had bullies going up shaking my sons hand, text messages apologising to the whole family, after they've been told straight

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Whatever you do, make sure you take care of your DD.
You are rightfully angry, deal with it how you feel fit.
Your DD has been removed from her friends, her room and her vulnerability is being picked up on by mean/damaged/normal kids of her age (except the 14yo, she probably has problems). Can you arrange for her to go visit her old friends or them to come visit her? A mile is not so far away. Or enroll her in activities over the summer that will improve her skills and sense of worth alongside doing things with her yourself.

Whatever you decide, tomorrow, tell her that she was right in calling you and that you are so proud that she is smart enough to know to tell you when things are going wrong and take her out for lunch or a cake.

[manticlimactic]

My DD (15) had a few girls name calling (whore,slag etc), whispering behind hands and also her XBF calling her the same- that was because she wouldn't sleep with him and dumped him for pestering her . It really upset her at first. It seems a really common insult these days.

She had a good chat with me and decided that name calling by spineless bullies wasn't worth smudging her eyeliner over so the next time they started with the name calling she told me she retorted with ' Oh do fuck off (sorry mum), you need to buy a dictionary you morons, you mustn't know the meaning of the word - and you have a cheek to call ME a slut, since I know the meaning of it!' Was quite and that she stood up to them as she is a rather quiet girl, obviously I realise apart from when she's riled.

But if she was younger like your DD It would take a lot to keep me from sorting it out. Especially if there was physical bullying too. When mine was younger I called the police on a neighbours child when she was pulling hair and name calling, that was after I marched round to the house and got nowhere.

[LDNmummy]

I would be so angry!

I do wonder how kids turn out to become nasty like this

I agree with your DH about sleeping on it then going round calmer tomorrow to speak to the other parent.

No advice other than that unfortunately but I hope it works out, your poor LO

[somethingwitty82]

Phone the police! 14 yr olds cannot be allowed to get away with this feral behavior.

[inatrance]

Thank you all for the advice and to reeling for the hugs.

I'm calmer today and am going to go round and see the mum of the ringleader in a bit who will be on the receiving end of some cold fury.

I'm normally one to go round and sort straight away but have had 3 month old DS feeding frenzy so was stuck to the sofa yesterday. Today - feel my wrath!

[SusanneLinder]

Let us know how you get on. Having 3 girls, I can tell you little girls are such nasty little witches.

Seems your lovely DD is being picked on cos she's the "new girl". From similar experience, seems that they treat the new kid as a shiny new toy at the beginning, and quite often bullying starts.:(

I am sure there are other kids in her area, or maybe invite her "old" friends over for playdates or sleepovers.

I cannot recommend some kind of martial art enough for kids that re getting bullied. Not so they can go about fighting people,but it really gave one of my DD's confidence when she was getting picked on, and gave her more assertiveness. I know her teacher used to have talks witth the kids on what to do if they were getting bullied,recognising thats why a lot of them were sent (he said he was bullied as a kid himself).

I just saw my DD blossom, and now just stands up for herself (verbally).

[mummytime]

I would suggest you also start to keep a diary of these events, especially if your DD is likely o go to the same senior school as B. That is the advice on bullying my son's class received from the police.

[Groovee]

I'd be calling the police as that is assault. Hope your dd is ok xxx

[cjbartlett]

it's bullying pure and simple

don't let your dd play with these children again

a mile isn't far to see her old friends

will she have to go to secondary school with these children?

[SnapesPlaything]

seconding (thirding, fourthing? ) calling the police, especially on the 14 year old. In my experience from school the girls that haung around with younger children were a bit weird and a bad influence.

[Ambergambler]

I fully agree, re the police. Dealing with bullying is awful. If you don't want to actually go to the police, then make sure you mention it to b's parents as if you are prepared to if there is even the slightest hint of a further incident. Point out that they are above the age for criminal responsibility, and that it WILL be taken seriously as a case of assault. Hope DD is ok.

[hellospoon]

I'm impressed with how calm you have been!

I was bullied once in school by someone who thought they were bigger and better than me. She called me names and hit me. I snapped and ended up putting her head through the library window, I'm not proud of my retaliation and know that violence achieves nothing usually however in this case she never messed with me again and were now friends 10 years later!

If this was my dd I would march round to the bullies house and have some serious words with the parents. If this got nowhere I would call the police and let them deal with her.
I would also maybe get your dd some self defence classes or something to help build her confidence as this episode will affect her self esteem.

Let us know how you get on.

[hellospoon]

I'm impressed with how calm you have been!

I was bullied once in school by someone who thought they were bigger and better than me. She called me names and hit me. I snapped and ended up putting her head through the library window, I'm not proud of my retaliation and know that violence achieves nothing usually however in this case she never messed with me again and were now friends 10 years later!

If this was my dd I would march round to the bullies house and have some serious words with the parents. If this got nowhere I would call the police and let them deal with her.
I would also maybe get your dd some self defence classes or something to help build her confidence as this episode will affect her self esteem.

Let us know how you get on.