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to be so fecking angry that I cannot retalitate at the old lady at my dads place

(73 Posts)
sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:11:27

Long story cut short:
My dad lives in sheltered accom due to alz, he is not ready for a care home yet. I have been looking after him for the last 18 months. I also make sure that the old biddies are ok
typical examples:
If one has forgot to get thier prescriptions I go and get them
If one has no milk I go get it
On a Friday I go get the fish and chips for thier supper
On the royal wedding I organised a party for them
One of the residents had a 80th birthday last weekend and I made sure she had the music she needed
I organised a big tv for the common room so they can all watch it
They wanted a kareoke so organised it and even got the music they wanted
blah blah blah
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago the warden promised to get a birthday cake from one of the residents to the other and then realised she would not have the time so she asked me to get it for her. No problem I said and that is exactly what I did. Only I made the error of getting the cake and putting it in the kitchen and not delivering it to the person who had brought it (even though she was actually out having her hair done and had no way of delivering it to her flat).
I then get to my dads yesterday and come into a frosty atmosphere and immediately knew something was wrong sad
Could not deal with it because I had to deal with my dad sad
Anyway, today I have gone to dads place and spoke to the warden who has informed me that "Sheila" is gunning for me
Conversation goes:
Me. Hello sheila are you ok
shelia. No I fucking am not
me. ok I get from the frosty atmosphere yesterday this has something to do with the cake, I am sorry made a mistake with that i apologise
sheila: so you fucking should be you ruined my weekend, you are always interferring, you dont live here so mind your own fucking business sad
there is more and it went on and on and I had to keep my mouth shut because they are my elders but sitting her tonight fuming sad

LadyThumb Tue 26-Jul-11 23:16:21

Ah, yes - this goes on in my Mum's sheltered flats. If someone does something, they are interferring. If they don't do anything, no-one cares about 'us oldies'. Some of them also take it for granted that you are their personal servant. Sheila sounds like one of these, I'm afraid, with a bit of vitriole thrown in for good measure.

Very upsetting for you, but I have learned to my cost to keep my distance - which is a sad thing to say.

LineRunner Tue 26-Jul-11 23:19:16

Sunshine, these dramas are all-consuming to the residents of sheltered flats and care homes.

It will all blow over.

You are a nice person doing nice things for people; one of them was rude and churlish. Sad, for sure; but it reflects badly on the other person, not you.

You might want to take step back from helping so much, though, and just focus on your dad.

sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:25:52

thank you for your replies but I feel gutted tonight, I stood there and had to take the abuse from a elder and could not retaliate, She ended it with "you do not live here so dont fecking interfere in our business" The only reason I "interfere" is because of my dad, my way of thinking is the better i treat them is the better they will treat him sad

MsHighwater Tue 26-Jul-11 23:27:06

I'm confused. Was "Sheila" the purchaser or the intended recipient of the cake? What happened to the cake?

Birdsgottafly Tue 26-Jul-11 23:27:34

You need to step back abit.

The warden was at fault for asking you to step in.

When you deal with the general public and elderly people you learn that you have to take abit of abuse now and again and not let it get to you.

I have worked in social care for 27 years and have sometimes gone out of my way for the service users, and i have got very little thanks for it.

I also work voluntarily and we take the blame for everything that goes wrong, but get little thanks for what we get right, you have to learn to ignore it.

reelingintheyears Tue 26-Jul-11 23:28:35

Concentrate on your Dad and just let the others get on with it.

You sound lovely and kind but you'll get taken for granted if you let it happen.

NorfolkBroad Tue 26-Jul-11 23:28:45

Really feel for you. My MIL is in a similar sheltered housing situation and I am there several times a week. I do as much as I can for her (shopping, cleaning, fetching meds etc) I also help out her neighbours if and when I can although I have to admit not as much as you do. You have really put yourself out for the residents. In my experience of caring for my MIL and my Grandma before her i have to say that sometimes elderly people can be extremely unreasonable and demanding. Sometimes it seems to me that the more I do for my MIL the more she expects and criticises me! i have learned though not to keep my mouth shut anymore. If she is rude and unkind to me I speak up for myself and tell her how I feel. I don't shout but I make my feelings clear and this really seems to work. There is no need why you should not speak up because they are your "elders"! If i were you i would tell Sheila how you feel and then pull back for a while, concentrate on your dad.

AgainWhen Tue 26-Jul-11 23:28:52

You are being really nice to these people and I'm sure most of them appreciate it and are happier as a consequence. I'm sure their families appreciate it too. Fish and chips on a Friday night sounds good!

Poweredbypepsi Tue 26-Jul-11 23:30:59

Yanbu to be upset but just let it blow over. My grandmother live in a complex of sheltered flats and there is currently a huge disagreement going on which has been going on for months now over a very small amount of money owed for a lottery bonus ball game. The whole place is divided over a bonus ball.
Next time you go chances are the lady will either have moved on or escalated it into a full scale war - either way ignore them and just take care of your dad, it's not worth the hassle.

sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:32:09

mshighwater: Shiela brought the cake and marion was who the cake was for.
birds: this is completely new to me like I said dad has alz and he is trying to live independtley. So I am trying to help all of the old folk in his accom.
I now will not be running to the shops, getting prescriptions etc because not one of them stood up for me sad and that is what I find upsetting after what i have done for them over the last 18 months

LineRunner Tue 26-Jul-11 23:33:20

Sunshine, you actually can stand up for yourself, though. You might not be able to tell her to fuck off but you can say, Please don't talk to me like that.

And tell her she can get her own fish and chips from now on.

SiamoFottuti Tue 26-Jul-11 23:34:54

presumably there is a good chance this woman is also in the early (or not so) stages of some kind of dementia? You either need to step back and not be so involved or toughen up and not take it personally.

sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:36:49

my main worry is that my dad will pick up on the bad feelings (and he does) he then turns it around in his brain and I get phone calls till the early hours, but she completely floored me today and i could not stand up for myself I had to stand there and take it, the most humiliating experience of my life. If she way my age I would of shouted and sweared back but I couldnt. Now I have to face them all again morro sad

sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:43:47

my dad is the only one with alz the rest of them are just elderly, but I did say to her "Shiela I am talking to you normally and trying to apologise and you are shouting at me, please dont" I now will be fucked it I will run around getting prescriptions etc and only because not one of them stood up for me and said "actually she made a mistake but look at what she does for us etc".

Next week they are going out for a meal and I took a extra driving test so that I can drive a bus that can take 18 residents and a wheelchair owner, now they can fuck off the lot of them and I will just look after dad simple as that

HeatherSmall Tue 26-Jul-11 23:44:35

My MIL lives in one of these and petty is not the word and gratitude doesn't seem to be in their vocabulary no wonder some children dump them and run.

SiamoFottuti Tue 26-Jul-11 23:45:46

You can't know that.

sunshinelifeisgood Tue 26-Jul-11 23:46:21

im so upset and I dont even want to go back morro but I have to sad she was so horrible

Poweredbypepsi Tue 26-Jul-11 23:48:41

Sunshine walk in head held High, smile and be friendly see to your dad. Please don't let one grumpy ingrateful woman spoil things for you.

Poweredbypepsi Tue 26-Jul-11 23:49:07

Ungrateful even

AgainWhen Tue 26-Jul-11 23:51:48

Remember that they've got to live with her. I know it's no excuse but she sounds like an intimidating person and they might have been sacred to speak up. I'm sure they all know that they should have done.

Nagini Tue 26-Jul-11 23:52:04

She owes you an apology, agreed you shouldn't have shouted back at her, but next time she wants something doing for her specifically, tell her you won't because of the way she spoke to you.

The others are probably scared to get on the wrong side of her.

Please don't punish them for being scared of her.

I think it's fantastic what you have done for them smile

AgainWhen Tue 26-Jul-11 23:53:21

Well I'm not really sure, but I hope so anyway.

LineRunner Tue 26-Jul-11 23:53:37

Sunshine, go in with dignity and be aloof, ignore all the awkward squad if you wish.

Be attentive to your dad, tell the warden you are stepping back from the others simply because that is your decision, and you will be fine.

2rebecca Tue 26-Jul-11 23:56:07

Did the person the cake was for actually get the cake or did it go stale? I don't get whose kitchen you left it in. Did anyone know where you had left it? If the cake was found by the recipient and they knew who it was from and you had tried delivering it to the woman who bought it but she was out then I don't see the problem. If the cake languished unnoticed in a random kitchen no-one uses then I can see why she's unhappy.
I think you are right to leave them to it if none of them supported you though and just take your dad out and leave the warden to run round after the rest of them.

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