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AIBU to expect people NOT to compare my twins!!

(36 Posts)
CoffeeDog Tue 26-Jul-11 12:22:42

I have twin boys 2 1/2

Both are fantastic little chaps!! one is 'ahead' of his brother in pretty much everything including speach potty training etc..

The other is still 'ahead' of his peers but dosn't seem to get the recognision of his own achievments (excepct from me!) as his brother has already 'done it'.

I am a twin and the constant comparing my parents did really upset us both.

AIBU to stand up for my littlest chap?

scurryfunge Tue 26-Jul-11 12:24:27

You are comparing your son to his peers so what is the difference?smile

lazylula Tue 26-Jul-11 12:26:07

Children will always be compared, whether to a sibling or cousin or any other child their age, being a twin is really no different.

worraliberty Tue 26-Jul-11 12:28:16

It's always going to happen...twins or not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 26-Jul-11 12:28:34

YANBU to stand up for him but YABU if you think this only happens to twins. Siblings, cousins even friends, will always get compared because that's what people do. Competition ensues!!! You may be sensitised to the twin angle, being a twin yourself, but it's really not unusual. Even David Cameron recently said he always felt a pace behind his older brother until he found his own niche in life.

bigpantspam Tue 26-Jul-11 12:28:44

What scurryfunge said smile

GwendolineMaryLacey Tue 26-Jul-11 12:29:55

It always happens, regardless of the relationship or age gap. There will be 4 years between my two and I know even now that family will expect dc2 to match DD in early walking, early sitting etc etc.

scottishmummy Tue 26-Jul-11 12:31:10

yabu you are drawing direct comparisons too
"ahead" is a value laden term, obvious impluication is other twin is unahead
lead by example dont discuss differences so much. emphasis e positive of both boys

Spuddybean Tue 26-Jul-11 12:33:20

YANBU my sister has twins and everything is a competitive comparison 'do you like swimming/reading/sport DN?' 'yes, but i'm not as good as/i'm better than DN at it'

I suppose as an only child (an only child with a half sister - complicated) i never had it, just 'yes i like reading, this is my favourite book'.

AMumInScotland Tue 26-Jul-11 12:34:06

People do compare - it's natural. But if this is close family or friends, you can always say to them "Look, X knows he's not as quick at things as Y, and I think it would be nice if you could be a bit less obvious about praising Y for stuff all the time and never praising X. If you could find things to praise him for too, that would be kinder".

greencolorpack Tue 26-Jul-11 12:34:09

If they're very young they won't mind but as they get older I imagine it will be bad, if they're used to people coming in and saying "He's the x one and he's the y one" where words could be artistic, musical, football loving etc. Such labels just reinforce stereotypes. I know my MIL was compared unfavourably to her supposedly more clever older sister and MIL has spent her life being bitter about that, feeling inferior to people with degrees and also hates her sister, so I think you're reasonable to want to nip that in the bud.

Development when young is a huge pile of irrelevance as far as I'm concerned. If I were you I'd tell people to shut up in no uncertain terms.

valiumredhead Tue 26-Jul-11 12:35:45

What scurry said - you are doing it too!

CustardCake Tue 26-Jul-11 12:35:57

It happens with siblings too. All the family remember what age the eldest one could do things and compare all of the younger siblings to that. It happens between similar aged cousins. It happens between friends at school. It is not nice but not limited just to twins.

lockets Tue 26-Jul-11 12:36:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whackamole Tue 26-Jul-11 12:37:46

I have twins exactly the same age as yours, both boys too. If you are comparing the two of them, then why do your expect others not to? I compare my boys, because they are different people! Of course they are different and will be good at different things/be more accomplished at an earlier age etc.

I think you are looking into it too much from your own experiences. Of course, when they're older you won't be saying one is 'better' than the other as such, but don't you think children should be taught to embrace their differences in such a way that they don't feel like the 'thick one' (or whatever).

But it does annoy me when people ask 'which one is the evil one?' grin

purplepidjin Tue 26-Jul-11 12:45:37

As a child, I was constantly compared with my (3 months older) cousin. Luckily, it turned out that she's the sciencey-mathsy one and I'm the musical one. She has 2 younger brothers - an arty one and a sporty one. We were compared a lot, but there was always an equal amount of "Pidj's reading is incredibly advanced" and "Pidjcousin can add up already" from opposite sets of parents! It didn't really help that shes tall and blonde while im curvy and mousy i'm an academic year below though

At uni, one of my housemates had a sister about a year and a half younger who played exactly the same instruments (we did music, see above!). Quite why their parents didn't encourage the younger sister to play a different instrument at least, we never worked out despite many drunken 3am rants because it cause all sorts of resentment for my housemate sad

MissPenteuth Tue 26-Jul-11 12:47:33

YANBU to not want people to do it, but YABU to expect them not to. They will. Everyone does. Just smile, nod, and ignore if it bothers you.

greencolorpack Tue 26-Jul-11 12:50:07

Purplepidgin it might just have been convenient to have both children learning the same instrument. My children and myself play the same instrument. Just one trip once a week to the same teacher at the same time rather than being a chauffeur all over the place for different instruments with different teachers.

We never discuss how better one is than the other at violin.

FlubbaBubba Tue 26-Jul-11 13:02:58

I have two DDs (and a DS) who are 18m apart (and DS is 2 yrs younger than DD2). All three are compared against with each other all the time by everyone. My parenting of one is compared to my parenting of another. It's not a twin thing. It's probably easier with twins though as the developmental stages are happening at the same time.

joric Tue 26-Jul-11 13:48:44

As others have said.. You have compared them to each other and to their peers, doesn't matter if they are twins or not, siblings are usually compared and differences noted.
Identical twins are fascinating though because err, obviously they look the same and people are interested in whether there are similarities in personality.
OP- I would be upset if someone was snooty with me for asking questions about their twins- people are usually just showing an interest IMO.

NoobyNoob Tue 26-Jul-11 13:52:05

You've just compared them! confused

YABU - it's bound to happen, so just turn a blind eye.

breatheslowly Tue 26-Jul-11 14:35:44

I am not sure what is left to say to parents of twins as there seem to have been a few threads on this sort of thing.

emsies Tue 26-Jul-11 14:54:20

It seems that even at only 2 and a half it is important to you that they are "ahead" of their peers.... you are obviously the type that that is important to and so who already is comparing rather a lot....

maybe you need to compare less ;)

frostyfingers Tue 26-Jul-11 15:22:26

Optimistic is the word, but I'm afraid comparison comes with the territory for twins. My 2 are 16 now and it never stops - but they have got used to it, and I just bite my tongue. They do get annoyed when they are treated as a unit though and called "the twins". One of the best descriptions I had at a parent's meeting when they were about 6 was that "they arrived at the same destination by a different route" -ie, the result was the same academically, but they handled it differently.

They can't wait to go to college in September with lots and lots of others and not always be in the same class as they are the same academic level. The college is big enough to separate them in the two subjects they are both doing for A's.

CoffeeDog Tue 26-Jul-11 15:31:22

Thanks for the advice I am just annoyed at my mum sil mil etc... (especially my mum) as they are only 2 now not even at nursery etc... thankfully they are starting a nursey with 2 seperate classes - so will be independent for a chunk of the day good thing as they are very different.

The one annoys me most is when A does his numbers/letters etc.. then nanny asks L and he cant do it she says oh never mind then ignores him he gets upset if he cant 'play' the game etc..

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