to ask my mother NOT to take DS to see the sister I've fallen out with?(67 Posts)
My sister and I have fallen out. Long story, but I'm sick of her sanctimony and self-involvement and she's recently treated me very cruelly while my depression has been particularly bad.
My mother has offered to look after my toddler DS for the afternoon later this week while I go and "do something nice for myself". It's the first time she's ever offered to do this and it made me think that she actually cares and is starting to understand how she can help me with my depression. Great - I thought.
However, I've just found out that she's planning to take him to see my sister that afternoon and I'm furious. I'm trying to be reasonable and tell myself that it's not DS's fault that his auntie is treating his mum so badly. Thing is, I feel like telling my mum that she can't take take him over so my sister can have a lovely time with him yet still gets to carry on treating me like shit.
My sister has had ample opportunity to mend her relationship with me - I've apologised to her for my part in the row that initially caused the rift but she's chosen not to make up with me. AIBU to tell my mother to find another activity for her and DS that afternoon?
It's not your son's fault. Can't he still have a relationship with his auntie?
Sorry but YABU.
You cannot dictate that your mother doesn't see her other daughter - least of all when your mother is actually doing you a favour. And you are unfair to stop DS seeing his Aunty just to punish her (the why should she have a lovely time with him attitude suggests they have a good relationship and you are motivated more by feeling spiteful towards her than concern that she might harm or upset your son which would be reasonable grounds for keeping him away)
I think you are being a bit unreasonable unless you really want to drag this agreement out as long as possible with your sister.
Depression is horrible and people who haven't had it don't understand and often appear to be uncaring but do you think it's possible you might have lost prespective a but because of your illness. I speak as someone who has suffered from depression alot and who knows how unreasonably angry and resentful it can make you.
YABU really.. it isnt your childs fault that you and his aunt have fallen out, and he should still be able to have a relationship with her, so really it would be much better to allow your mum to help maintain that relationship.
Sorry that you're suffering, OP, it's not easy dealing with depression. I think it's clouding your reasonableness though. You're treating your son as a possession, to be given or withheld at your whim. That's not fair to him. He's a person in his own right has has the right to family.
Please trust your mum to look after him for the afternoon and arrange for him any activity she sees fit that doesn't put him in harm's way.
Perhaps seeing your son will make your sister stop and think about her role in the row. To let this fester on and on serves no purpose. I think your mum knows this and is trying to foster normal relations as far as she can and I don't think it's a coincidence that she's taking your son to see his aunt this afternoon.
Forget about it and go and do whatever it is you were planning for yourself. Have a nice few hours just for yourself.
If you are prepared to accept the offer of a free afternoon then you may have to accept it is her choice (within obvious h & s considerations) how to spend it. Maybe she always visits at that time. If you won't relax in worry that she will take him to vist your sister then perhasp it isn't worth it. Maybe it is just unfortunate that her behaviour has coincided with your depression and she hasn't recognised the consequences any more than your mother appears to .
I think YANBU for two reasons:
1. Your mother is being duplicitious. Had she said "Look, your sister wants to see your DS. How about I take him off your hands for a few hours so he gets to see her without you needing to see her and then you get some time for you?" it would be different. But she has been very sneaky here and that would rankle with me.
2. I have recently cut ties with my sibling. I don't want my DS being around him as he is not the kind of influence I want around my son. My choice as a parent, as it is your choice who your child sees. The choice is being taken out of your hands by others, in this situation. It is like saying "your thoughts on what is best for your child do not matter, even though you are his mother. We (your mum and sister) will decide for you."
mrsSonic - have been in exactly the same situation as you. I had bad PND after DS2 and my father, stepmother and half sister didn't bother coming to visit after DS2 was born, despite living 5 mins round the corner and treated him differently to DS1. My sister is younger than me, has been very spoilt and is unbelievably selfish and rude. I tried to make things work with her for a long time but she used to promise to come and take DS1 out, then wouldn't show up, or wanted me to hand him over when he was 1 to her and a handful of her mates to drive around in some scally's car. Came to the point where she barely bothered speaking to me (unless she was pissed in the middle of the night) so in the end I just gave up and decided to get on with my own life.
It did rankle though, that on the one occasion my dad and SM offered to look after both DSs for an hour they whisked them straight round to her house. Perhaps that's unreasonably of me, but I feel that if she wanted to see either of her nephews she could come round any day of the week, but she doesn't, and I don't particularly think they're missing out by not spending time with her as she's a freaking nightmare. So, sorry to waffle, but to cut a long story short, dunno if you're BU but if you are I am too.
I knew I was being a bit unreasonable, and you're right, the depression is clouding my judgement.
I suppose another reason it makes me so angry is that it shows that my mother doesn't see anything wrong with the cruel way that my sister has been treating me and isn't prepared to take her to task for it.
My sister has had several opportunities to see DS with me present - I have invited her to spend time with me and him so we can work out our differences but she hasn't bothered. Instead she is going behind my back to see DS.
I don't think you are being unreasonable because I don't speak to dh's SIL and just this morning came face to face with her. She spoke to my son who just ignored her as all he remembers of her is wailing like a banshee at his sister.
exactly Groovee - last time DS saw his auntie she was screaming abuse at me in the street..
I partly agree with what cupcakes has said, your mum has been underhand even though she might not have said anything because she knew what you'd say it's not her decision to make about your child.
On the other hand I think you have to be very careful you don't use your son to punish your sister, that wouldn't be fair on him.
I've been in the situation myself and decided it was OK for my DD to see my
twatting brother, but only you and your DSs dad can decide who he sees/doesn't see.
No, sorry, I think you are being perfectly reasonable! Agree with Grovee and Cupcakes aka BupperFlaps
Your mum appears to be trying to show you very clearly that she knows what's best for you and your child, thankyou very much. That you may be acting like a silly little madam but that she will override this and make sure all's ok in the family...GRRR!
'my mother doesn't see anything wrong with the cruel way that my sister has been treating me and isn't prepared to take her to task for it.'
- She doesn't have to take her to task for it, it's not her argument - but she sure as hell has no right to dismiss it as unimportant.
'My sister has had several opportunities to see DS with me present - I have invited her to spend time with me and him so we can work out our differences but she hasn't bothered. Instead she is going behind my back to see DS.'
That settles it for me. Doesn't sound as if you've been unreasonable wrt your son's relationships here (though to be honest if you were it would still be your decision - he is YOUR son, YOU are responsible for him ) - it's more that your mother wants to be the one putting you in your place, so to speak. I don't like your mum's role here. Is she usually a bit of a controller and a stirrer?
Screaming abuse at you in the street?
I think your first post sums it up just fine:
'she can't take take him over so my sister can have a lovely time with him yet still gets to carry on treating me like shit'
If she's treating his mother like shit, then it's best she doesn't see him until she can accept your offer to come over and settle your differences. Yes, that's right, YOUR offer. That YOU are in control of. Nothing to do with your mum.
Sounds like this offer of babysitting has more strings attached to it than is helpful in this situation. Tell your mum that if she wants to help, rather than flexing her muscles, she'll urge your sister to come and see you. Until then, tell her to BUTT OUT of your adult relationships. And tell her that you think it's best she doesn't babysit if she can't respect the child's mum's decisions.
I think YANBU. I don't thind it is right for your Mum to do that.
Train your son to wrinkle up his nose and say "Why does your mouth smell so bad, AuntieLunatic?" if she tries to kiss him.
X-posts with you. I don't think it's up to your mum to sort out the argument with your sister, or pass judgment on who she thinks is in the right/wrong.
She's in a difficult position in that she loves you both.
oh god i could have wrote your posts OP! my sister is a
vile piece of shit horrible person, she treated me like dirt for years spoke down to me made me feel like the worst person/parent/partner/sister/daughter... you get the drift! ive not spoken to her since last december and its been great, my daughter and i are closer instead of my second guessing my parenting, my OH is happier that im happier and have 'grew some balls' and my friends have noticed a differnece too.
my MOTHER on the other hand.. has spent months saying ''your sister needs you'', ''your nephew misses you and DD'', ''your sisters having a really hard time just now'' ive also had ''you'll miss out on your niece'' - she is 6 months old ive seen her 5 times maybe but it doesnt bother me.
i wish to god that my mum would realise that whilst yes its hard to have daughters who dont get on, for some of us it makes our lives a whole lot better and they should be happy for us not trying to force a family together when there isnt one..
really hope you get this sorted your mum is completely in the wrong imo.
"Train your son to wrinkle up his nose and say "Why does your mouth smell so bad, AuntieLunatic?" if she tries to kiss him."
Nodding at everything ShoutyHamster just said too. Bupperflaps, indeed. <stern face>
YABU in expecting your mother to take sides between her two daughters. Let it go, and let your son develop a relationship with his aunt if he wants. Rise above it all.
I think it depends how deep the rift is.
In september/october 2007 I reached "the final straw" with my sister when she sent me 7 "essays" filled with vitriol. I did not read them because the message was clear - she wanted to "hurt" me.
When I had my son in summer 2010 she tried to re-ignite contact saying it "wasn't fair that I was keeping him from her", that "bygones should be bygones", that I "should let go of the past".
I chose to tell her to fuck off and that my child would at no point be requiring her poisonous input.
I recently stayed at my mother's house for a week (first time I had visited in over a decade - so you can see how strong our family ties are). My mother said something about my sister visiting and I laid down the law quite strongly with a "if she turns up here, I will pack our bags and we will leave, never to return."
My message is clear.
If your sister can't be civil to you, she probably wont be capable of extending civility to your son. Your mother is wrong to assume she has the right to facilitate a relationship between your son and your sister. Just say no, as hard as it might be.
"YABU in expecting your mother to take sides between her two daughters."
She doesn't need to take sides. Not taking sides doesn't involve making decisions for one of her daughter's children, however. It seems like she is taking OP's sister's side, if anything, by doing this. She must know that with things the way they are between them, that sercretly taking OP's DS to see the sister, that this would be throwing fuel onto the fire, surely?
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