To tell on her? Bit long, sorry(8 Posts)
my sister is obsessed with having a baby. She is with a guy who
is a total selfish arse isn't really right for her. He doesn't treat her particularly well and has decided (after promising her marriage and children to begin with) that he doesn't want kids yet if ever.
She's been in a few long term relationships and I think she feels her biological clock ticking so she won't end it with this guy (they live together) and instead has decided she'll trick him into getting her pregnant by letting her implant run out and not telling him.
They don't make each other happy, they're like chalk and cheese, they both work full time but she does everything around the house and he never lifts a finger, they don't like each others families, they disagree on certain fundamental things regarding raising children (he sees no harm in beating a child as it's how he was raised and she wells up just at the thought of a child having a hand raised to them), he avoids being with her even though they live together and goes out with his friends straight from work til late, he complains about the food she cooks but won't cook and she always does the shopping on her own, he hates her taste in decor, films, books etc, they have very few similar interests and he doesn't treat her with much respect....... But she reeeeeeally wants to start having babies.
She seems to think he would commit to her this way. She's not stupid and really should know better but her judgment is horribly off. I can see it going badly - he'll feel tricked and betrayed, he may bond with the child but his relationship with her would be irreparably damaged. He'd resent her for 'trapping' him into fatherhood before he was ready, she'd be resentful and jealous if he were to love the child more than her and they'd end up in this hateful horrible mess...
She just won't listen to reason and thinks once she's pregnant he'll 'come around'... Should I
anonymously warn him? Or mind my own business? I just don't want to see her trap herself in such an awful situation, and especially don't want to see an innocent child trapped in it...
Oh grief - tell her to go it alone and you will support her but that she must not have a child to a father like this. Put some scenarios to her - like disagreements about discipline and her potential DS or DD having to put up with beatings. She will have to end up leaving him having created such a mess. Far better for her to leave and use a sperm donor if she is so desperate for a baby. I don't think you can tell him but you need to book her in for a long afternoon to read her the riot act (gently) and to give as many different worst case scenarios as possible.
I don't think you should warn him, but she does need support to see that having a child with a man with such different views on child-raising would be a disaster. Chances are he would leave her as soon as he found out, how would she feel about single parenthood? How would she feel about leaving him with her child for a few hours, a day, weekend with someone she knows will hit them?
Also, is he likely to raise a hand to her in anger?
I don't think he'd leave her because that would be his child tha he'd be walking out on, I think he'd stay
and hate her. As far as I know he wouldn't raise a finger to her but thinks children need physical discipline (he dislikes my other sisters son because he thinks he is spoiled and airs these views loudly). Her implant runs out in December.
I would ask her what kind of environment she would want the child to be raised in. Ask her if he is likely to provide that. Also add that the reason why job interviewers ask you about past experience is because past experience is the best way of predicting future behaviour.
Breaking up with someone is a brave decision. Maybe she needs a massive amount of support from different people.
I think you should start a thread in lone parenting asking them to post how tough being a lone parent has been for them.. then you need to make her read it..
Then you need to start a thread in relationships and ask people to tell you their stories of their ex's becomming violent due to resentment and pregnancy... then make her read that
If that doesn't make her see she is being a total fool then you are knocking on wood.
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