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AIBU to feel resentful

(17 Posts)
Funnyface89 Mon 25-Jul-11 16:54:27

I've just had my first son (8 weeks) with my husband of just over a year.

When we first got married I did not want a baby straight away and would have preferred to wait to few years to enjoy our freedom and spare income for a while before having a child. However I agreed to start trying soon after our wedding as he kept asking me to before I had a bit of a 'wobble' and said i wanted to wait awhile longer (at this point I wasn't pregnant). Anyway my husband threw a huge huff and I got the impression that if I didn't have a baby then he would leave me.

Two days after getting home from the hospital he said he regretted having our son, at this time my husband had stuff going on with work which meant he had to get decent sleep so i spent the first 2 weeks after the birth sleeping on the sofa with our baby in the living room so he could sleep properly plus he wasn't at home for practically any of his parternity leave and when he was home instead of helping just invited all his family round and when they were gone he left again. So i didn't know why he said it as he hadn't had to help me with the baby in anyway so far.

Throughout our relationship I have always given in to him (I know there is only myself to blame for this). He wanted a big wedding, where to go on holiday and honeymoon, to move nearer his friends and family and have the baby when we did. I even ended up having sex with him 6 weeks after the birth although I didn't feel ready as he kept coming onto me and saying everyone knows its safe after 6 weeks.

I guess I just feel having always letting him have it his way, given up my career and the fact my body is a mess he wouldn't have said what he did or acted the way he has.

I know I am probably being silly and should just get over these thinks but I can't help but feel a little resentful towards him. AIBU to feel this way? Should I just ignore these things and move on.

Sorry for the long post. (Also posted on relationships board)

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 25-Jul-11 16:58:00

I wouldn't.

Moving you away from your friends and family, isolating you.
Giving up your career, creating dependence
Having a baby, tying you to him
A pattern of you 'giving in' to him
Forcing you to have sex

These are well known tactics. I don't think you should ignore this.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 25-Jul-11 17:01:32

You had the impression that your husband would leave you if you didn't have a baby... and so you had one with him and now your husband resents him? sad

I don't think it's about you anymore, OP, not that simple anymore. You have a son to think of. Relationships board is probably your best bet. Good luck.

manicbmc Mon 25-Jul-11 17:04:08

Sounds awful.

minipie Mon 25-Jul-11 17:07:32

shock

YANBU. Why are you with him?

SenoritaViva Mon 25-Jul-11 17:08:11

Crikey, there are so many issues in this post that it is hard to decipher them.

Ok firstly, are you happy with your son? Are you feeling depressed or like you can't cope? If this is so please go and see your GP to see whether you need any PND support. From the sounds of things your time is quite miserable so I wouldn't be surprised if this did push you towards a propensity for PND.

I am sorry you feel that you have been pressurised into having your son, this could also be the hormones. It is an issue you need to address, whether through counselling or directly with your husband but I also urge you to not let this come between you and your son. Ultimately, you conceded to 'start trying' and therefore you have a sense of responsibility as well.

Secondly you need to analyse the reasons why you married your husband. This does not sound like a normal relationship but sometimes the reasons why you love someone is also their downfall (e.g. a man who is a strong leader and makes all the decisions can be lovely in good times but in the bad times you can feel cajoled etc.)

Sleeping on the sofa does not sound good, in my view it should have been the other way around! (Him on the sofa). Many people do end up sleeping apart for the first few weeks (I did for the first 6 as DH had to run his business and I felt that since I was breastfeeding there wasn't much he could do at night, but I knew I could wake him if I needed to).

Your husband does sound like an arse, saying to you when your son is 2 days old that this is a big mistake is frankly horrible. But perhaps he is simply struggling himself; men can suffer depression over birth of children too. However, he is dealing with it all in the wrong way, he is not being supportive, he is not communicating well, he is not understanding your needs by inviting family over and pressuring you into sex is unforgivable.

How are you at communicating? Are you able to sit down and talk about these things rationally? When he sees someone else's point of view does he understand where they are coming from or is he likely to become very angry? If the latter is the case, can you write a letter stating everything you feel, in a balanced way and then go and stay with a family member whilst he thinks about it?

Funnyface89 Mon 25-Jul-11 17:18:58

Although I hadn't wanted to continue trying for our baby I am happy I have him now and I love him so much that although things with my marriage aren't great I couldn't imagine not having my son now - I can cope and definatly don't feel depressed in any way especially since my son is such a happy content baby always smiling I just can't imagine not having him now.

We have tried talking but I end up upset and in floods of tears and he ends up saying stuff like he doesn't know what i expect him to do about it.

I feel for our sons sake I don't want things between me and my husband to fall apart but I just feel resentful towards him which surely isn't healthy

NotQuiteCockney Mon 25-Jul-11 17:24:33

I think it's pretty reasonable for you to be unhappy.

If you are, literally, sleeping with your baby on the sofa, that's incredibly dangerous. Look here.

Funnyface89 Mon 25-Jul-11 17:26:15

No not with me his moses basket was in the living room with him in it and I was on the sofa

suburbophobe Mon 25-Jul-11 17:37:31

I feel for you, and so glad you are enjoying your baby!

What Magnificent said.

Your husband sounds bullying and controlling I'm afraid. And he's obviously used to getting his own way in your relationship. If you are ending up in tears, instead of him comforting you, or willing to listen to your feelings and opinions, you need an outside opinion....

I would suggest going to a counsellor as she can be a sounding board, an objective voice and help you be more assertive with him.

YellowDinosaur Mon 25-Jul-11 17:37:35

I agree with TheMagnificent that there are a lot of red flags in your post about your husband being controlling.

Quite frankly your husband sounds like an arse. Dh struggled to bond with both our sons when they were little and was diagnosed with depression shortly after the birth of ds2. And we tried for ds1 more at my instigation than his. Despite this he was incredibly supportive to me when they were little and continues to be now. We both have a responsibility to them and also to care for and support each other which is how I believe it should be.

Doesn't sound like your dh is doing much of this at all really and its made all the worse for the fact that he has isolated you from your support network. I'd also try talking to him - writre down how you feel as you did in your op if you don't think you can get accross how you feel without getting emotional about it. And if he tries to 'I don't know what you expect me to do' line I would be stating 'well support our wife and be a dad to our son'. It may also help if he refuses to talk about this or acknowledge any issue in his behaviour to move in with supportive family for a shor twhile to get your head straight about what you want.

Good luck xxx

PuttingMyFootInIt Mon 25-Jul-11 17:54:30

Your son won't be well served by growing up thinking this is how a man behaves.

sue52 Mon 25-Jul-11 17:58:09

I find his thoughtlessness at making you sleep on the sofa because he needed a good sleep, astounding. Your body had just been through pregnancy and childbirth and his concern was just for his own needs. He sounds like a controlling selfish child. Can you talk to any of his family? Someone has got to make him realise that he is in danger of losing you if he does not change quickly. As for his "what do you expect me to do" tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to put you and your DS first.

psiloveyou Mon 25-Jul-11 18:13:02

Nothing to add as others have said it all. Except he is a twunt and you need to reclaim your bed and point him in the direction of the sofa.

JamieAgain Mon 25-Jul-11 18:14:56

This is really bad. Very upsetting to read. God knows what it feels like to be living with someone like this.

Dozer Mon 25-Jul-11 18:23:47

The relationships board ladies might be able to help here.

CalmaLlamaDown Mon 25-Jul-11 18:27:59

As others have said this is terrible, you are right to be upset - especially worrying that you felt obliged to have sex after only six weeks (two of which were on the sofa!)

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