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to think he should have spoken to me first

(24 Posts)
biddysmama Mon 25-Jul-11 14:57:22

mil has just got a rebate of £2000, they are 'comfortable' no mortgage etc fil works and they get pension... she decided to give all (5) their dc £200 each, she tried to give dh his share last week and he wouldnt take it, the others did

aibu to think he should have talked to me first? that money could have taxed the car and bought dds new car seat sad

activate Mon 25-Jul-11 14:58:21

I wouldn't have taken it either - and I wouldn't talk to DP about it because it's my mother

Sarsaparilllla Mon 25-Jul-11 14:58:38

Yes, he should've spoken to you first!! I'd be annoyed, especially if you could use the money (and tbh, who couldn't!!)

Can he speak to them and say he jumped the gun a bit and yes, it would come in useful?

sue52 Mon 25-Jul-11 15:00:11

YABU. It is a matter between your DH and his mother.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 25-Jul-11 15:00:34

I think it is up to him really because it is his mum. I wouldn't consult my DH about whether or not to accept something from my mum.

YANU to be upset about it though, if you needed the money.

Perhaps he thought she out to get something nice for herself from the rebate, which is more than any of her other kids thought. I think that reflects nicely on your DH.

DorisIsAPinkDragon Mon 25-Jul-11 15:22:20

is there more to this than he just refused?
what kind of relationship does he have with his Mum?

bubblesincoffee Mon 25-Jul-11 15:24:09

What reason does he give for not taking it?

redskyatnight Mon 25-Jul-11 15:28:15

Well if my mother offered me money I would turn it down ... because I know she would use as a hold over me for years and years to come. My younger brother who has a different relationship would grab it with both hands. And absolutely nothing my DH could say would change that. So if your DH has similar relationship with his mum ...

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 25-Jul-11 15:35:57

Its his mum so why would he need to talk to you first - he's a grown man and doesnt have to report to you.

If he believes that you should support your own family and not take handouts or simply thinks he parents should spend the money on themselves its got nothing to do with anybody else. Your choice to have a car and children so not down to his parents to pay for thse choices.

faaaaghinatub Mon 25-Jul-11 15:38:11

There must be more to it than you've suggested.

Would she bring it up and manipulate him in future because of it?
Is she struggling more than you financially (don't let appearences fool you)?

Even if she isn't struggling, does she have any retirement funds like a pension or a mortgage-free house? (he may feel it's morally unacceptable to take it knowing that you are both able bodied of working age).

Basically it's his mum.

If you both need cash for basics, go out and earn more or cut back on other things so that you can buy them.

Don't guilt trip your DH into accepting cash from relatives for basic living costs because you think it would be of practical help - there are far too many emotional complexities involved in getting money from relatives for this to be as simplistic as "someone offered him money, we need money, therefore he should have taken the money".

Ormirian Mon 25-Jul-11 15:39:27

Yes YABU. It's his business entirely. He must have had his reasons for saying no.

faaaaghinatub Mon 25-Jul-11 15:39:50

p.s. "that money could have taxed the car and bought dds new car seat"

it's hardly as if DD is starving though, those aren't even the basics.

They're luxuries. So I take back my "Don't guilt trip your DH into accepting cash from relatives for basic living costs because you think it would be of practical help" actually.

Nanny0gg Mon 25-Jul-11 15:40:41

Do most of you really always look at things separately and not as couples? Yes it's his mum, it was a very kind offer and I would have thought it merited discussion. It would in my house, anyway.
YANBU, imo!

faaaaghinatub Mon 25-Jul-11 15:40:55

... and should have slotted in a "Don't guilt trip your DH into accepting cash from relatives for luxuries and other optional comfort item costs because you think it would be of practical help" instead.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 25-Jul-11 17:16:56

Car tax and car seats are not luxuries if you need a car. In many parts of the country a car is not a luxury, it's the only way to get to work!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 25-Jul-11 17:24:51

It's his decision, OP, not everything is joint, it's between him and his mother.

DogsBestFriend Mon 25-Jul-11 17:27:05

It's his mother and the offer was made to him alone, it doesn't concern anyone else. YABU.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange Mon 25-Jul-11 17:29:08

I think dh would refuse it too. But I know my mum would be offended if I refused.

So I don't know tbh grin

LadyClariceCannockMonty Mon 25-Jul-11 17:33:02

YANBU. If one of my parents offered me money I'd definitely talk to DP about it. We're a team and that includes finances.

I suppose the exception might be if it were very obviously meant as a personal gift for e.g. a birthday, but we don't know that from the OP.

FakePlasticTrees Mon 25-Jul-11 17:47:28

I think if I was offered money by someone I'd only discuss it if I was considering taking it, I'd not talk to him if I definately didn't want to take it, although would tell him about it.

Have you asked your DH why he didn't feel able to take the money or have you just ranted about the car tax and car seat?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin Mon 25-Jul-11 17:55:50

If you have a shared approach to finance then he was BU not to tell you about the offer before saying no. If you each do your own thing and eg don't have joint accounts then he's NBU not to tell you about the offer before saying no.

If my ILs offered money as a gift I would, having lifted myself up off the floor, asked my DH what he felt about it, and although I'd contribute my views I'd give him the final decision unless not accepting it meant not paying the mortgage or feeding the children and animals.Or buying our own private island.

Lilaclion Mon 25-Jul-11 18:02:38

YNBU....He turned away £200 towards your family finances, he should of spoken to you even if it was just to put across why he felt so strongly that you shouldn't accept it, atleast that way you'd of been involved in the decision.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 25-Jul-11 18:14:21

My xH turned down 60k from his parents, his other siblings took it. I didn't even know it had been offered. Such is life.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 25-Jul-11 18:48:50

I think it was a bit mean of him to throw his mother's generosity back in her face. Why didn't he want to take the gift?

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