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to ask this for my sister??

(9 Posts)
natandjacob Mon 25-Jul-11 09:46:25

hello, just wondered if anyone has any similar stories or advice they can give my sister.

my nephew is 8 years old and he is becoming a real problem for his mum and stepdad, he ignores what they say, goes behind their back on things he's been told not to do, has an attitude most of the time and lies about everything. they're at their wits end as this has been building up over the past 3 years and nothing they do seems to get through to him.

any advice??

squeakytoy Mon 25-Jul-11 09:52:00

What are they doing so far to punish this behaviour?

natandjacob Mon 25-Jul-11 09:56:01

at one point they took away every single toy he had and he had to earn them back with good behaviour. they are still taking toys/privileges after giving him warnings. they have had a lot of stern talks with him aswell to try get through to him. i feel so bad for them sad

LadyThumb Mon 25-Jul-11 10:34:32

Tell them to watch Supernanny, that might help.

cestlavielife Mon 25-Jul-11 11:16:37

all behaviour is communication.
what is he trying to tell them?
how long has step dad been in his life?
what relationship does he have with bio-dad?
what is he like at school?

natandjacob Mon 25-Jul-11 11:37:19

his step dad has been in his life for about 4 years now. he loves his bio dad and thinks he can do no wrong but there has been a lot of tension between my sister and his dad since he was born. dont know if he is picking up on this? he has had a bit of a stressful life over the past few years. my sister moved with him to be with her now partner when she got pregnant 3 years ago so this was obviously a big thing for him, leaving his school friends behind and settling in to a totally new part of the country. he has also been through a stage with his bio dad where they didnt see each other for over 6 months as his dad was basically being a knob.
he has had a lot of help at school with a counsellor in the past and it looked as if he was turning a corner but recently he is just lieing about everything and causing trouble in the house on purpose. wish there was more i could do to help but i live 3 hours away and dont drive.

lesley33 Mon 25-Jul-11 12:33:27

Children normally lie for a reason. They need to try and work out why and react based on this. He may not know himself why he is lying, so just asking him may not solve this. But he could be lying because:

1. He is trying to avoid punishments.

2. It is easier i.e. if he fears that if he tells the truth he will get asked lots and lots of questions he doesn't want to answer. Often the reason behind lying that doesn't seem to have a purpose e.g. Who have you been playing with outside? A - Nobody -a lie. Because the truth - I was playing with x will lead to lots of questions like who is his mother? who does he hang about with? etc etc.

3. He feels he has no privacy and wants some. But in this case DC will only normally lie about certain things e.g. what were you playing at in your room?

Children wrecking things in the home can be for a number of reasons e.g.

1. No boundaries at all so children do what they feel like - doesn't sound the case in the situation you talk about.

2. DC are very unhappy. If this is the case the parents need to get to grip with what is making the child unhappy and deal with this e.g. what is relationship like with stepfather, does he have friends, is he being bullied, what is school like? This is often the reason is a childs behaviour changes for the worse.

3. He is desparate for attention and attention for bad behaviour is better than no attention at all. If they suspect this might be the case they need to give him lots of praise for good behaviour and try and make sure that every day they spend some time doing something fun with him.

lesley33 Mon 25-Jul-11 12:34:53

What kind of things is he going behind their back to do when he has been told not to?

natandjacob Mon 25-Jul-11 14:17:03

imo i think it could be he feels a bit pressured to behave correctly and he is playing up because of that. his mum is not one to mess with or disagree with. i love her to bits but she is very strong minded and has a short fuse.
his little sister (3yro) is a lovely little girl but she does like everything been done her own way and will let you know about it if you do something she doesnt like, think nephew gets jealous that she gets her own way when he gets told off so he reacts like any child would and continues being naughty and doing stuff to annoy his sister.
obviously i could be wrong, this is just what i've observed from visits there, could be a different story in everyday life. he just doesnt seem to be doing anything earth shatteringly terrible, just lies all the time and does things he's been warned not to do. (e.g sneaking out to play with his mates out the back when he knows he's grounded) and general attitude problem. is this just normal preteen stuff?

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