To feel slightly peeved with in laws?(62 Posts)
I have wonderfully supportive in laws and, when we told them we were expecting, they told us they would like to buy us the pram (is that what they're even called these days ?). After a little trip to mothercare (other baby retailers are available lol) my DP spoke to his mum about our findings. She was horrified at the price of what we had chosen and then went on to say that she was expecting to buy a second hand one off of ebay!!
DP and I had already discussed the cost of buying everything and, being quite proud, refused his request to ask his parents to chip in (after all it was our choice to get pregnant). What he did say was that if they offered I was to accept gracefully.
I'm not a snob but as this is my first (and right at this moment feel it will be my only) baby I don't want a pre-loved pram, or anything else for that matter.
Now I don't know what to do!!! Part of me feels that if that was their intention all along then they should have said, at which point I would have gracefully declined the offer. Would I be unreasonable to just go out and buy the pram I want, at the risk of them feeling put out because of the offer? Or do I just swallow the fact they want to buy a second hand one and go along with it?
I honestly wish they hadn't said anything now
Could you ask them to buy a new cheaper but important item ,say a crib?
I would be honest with them and say as it is your first baby, you have your heart set on a new pram, but understand that as they are so expensive you dont expect them to be the ones to pay for it.
Suggest that the money they would have paid for the secondhand one could be put towards the new pram, or think of something else that they could buy instead.
Don't stress. Totally understandable you want a brand new buggy/pram. Its a good investment if you want other children anyway and you can re-sell them on ebay when you have finished. Buggies are so expensive aren't they?
Maybe they could buy something else more reasonably priced, say a moses basket or a beautiful baby blanket, to carry child our of hosp. Even car seats are more reasonable?
squeakytoy speaks sense.
Similar thing happened to me, but with my then stepmother. She didn't say anything, bless her, but I could see that she hadn't realized how expensive these things are when she offered to pay. I felt guilty and went for the cheaper option, which didn't last.
Or just say that a couple of friends have had really bad experiences with secondhand large items like prams, cots sold on ebay. Say that as you don't want her to waste money or end up with a shoddy or worse DANGEROUS item, would PIL agree to contributing the cost they had in mind to a new one, with them helping you choose so you felt it was a true 'gift' from them?
To their generation, the cost of such items can lok astronomical. Meet them in the middle if you can and try and let them still feel involved - that's worth a lot in goodwill!
I can understand your wish to have everything new, but in time you'll wonder why you ever spent so much money on so many items. If it's what you really want, then splash out on a pram, but do take up any offers people make to lend you any items such as a cot, baby bath, large toys, high chair, travel cot etc.
Just say to her that since prams are so expensive maybe she could contribute in another way.
Most people of grandparental vintage are totally shocked at the price of modern prams, mainly because they are absurdly expensive and over-engineered. Nevertheless, most Mums-to-be will want to buy something lovely and new for their baby and will happily ignore the price-tag.
So I would say, acknowledge that it is too much to as her to pay, but suggest maybe she buy a moses basket or something like that?
I agree that you should buy the pram you want and say to your IL's that you would be very happy for them to buy you something else for the baby instead.
Don't get a cheaper/second hand pram, if you have your heart set on a new one. You'll end up feeling resentful later and the nice thing your IL's were doing won't feel so nice in the end.
yanbu, i think you will just have to say to them you did not realise they wanted to get a 2nd hand one and you have your heart set on this particular new pram so you will just get it yourself. tbh if they offer to buy a pram they should realise you will want input in what one it is!!! i dont think they can really be offended by that
I honestly think telling them the truth in a nice way would be the best policy.
Say thank you very much for their kind offer, but this is the pram you had your heart set on. You're more than willing to pay for it yourself as you realise it's quite expensive, but any help towards the cost would be lovely.
If there's anything you need to get that's cheaper make a mental note so if they say they would like to buy you something rather than putting money towards the pram, you can say, "We really don't expect it, but if you really want to, we really need this, that or the other.
Definitely go and buy a pram yourself. You can tell them that you wanted to research and buy the most suitable one for your needs. You should just tell your dh that is what you are going to do.
My ils were determined to buy a pram and nothing else would do. My lovely friend gave me her hardly used 3 wheeler. My ILs bought a second hand pram that they kept in their house; it was used three times and was rickety, bulky and the wheels did not move. At least they could tell everyone that they bought 'the' pram. If you drive you may not use a big pram/travel system very much and a buggy would be more useful anyway? There are bigger battles to fight.
I agree. Get the pram you want. We did and invested in one that suited our needs, e.g.walking on rough terrain every day with the dog etc. Suggest that they buy the carseat or something else which is less expensive. This is just the beginning and you have to start as you mean to go on. We were very firm with all our familiy as our baby was a long awaited first grandchild they thought they would never have, due to all sorts of infertility issues with me. They were all so happy when we announced that we were pregnant that we were inundated with offers of help (we know we are VERY lucky!). We had already spent hours deciding what we wanted and just gave them options! They were pleased to be buying us things we wanted and still managed to give their own lovely gifts that they had chosen once DS arrived. I sound very spoilt (and we were!) but it's your first and you have to do what you want, especially if you think it's going to be your only one
And that's kind of my point bellend (great name ). I would never of asked, nor would I ever expected a contribution. What we finally agreed on (that's me and DP) was a middle of the road travel system. It was an absolute nightmare reigning DP in to be honest, he seems to have expensive taste and I had to keep saying 'we can't expect your p's to fork out that much, it's unfair'. Even he was shocked by his parents reaction. This is his second child, his p's bought a second hand pram for his daughter but his ex-wife wasn't fussed as it was her 3rd child and (in her own words) doesn't get excited by baby shopping anymore!!!
And this is why I spoke to my mum before hand as I knew I would want one that was probably more than she was thinking. I suggested she could pay for a specfic part of it, my mum was very keen on a proper pram top part.
Your dp is at fault here I think
Well, I chose to have a new pushchair, so that if there were any problems or faults with it, it would be covered by the retailer's guarantee, so I think that's entirely reasonable.
I chose to have almost everything else second-hand though, for the following reasons:
a) money saved, which has since been spent on toddler toys, and food. I've also invested some of our savings in the child trust fund that the government helped set up for all children.
b) I've always wanted to keep my environmental impact low, and that desire was only increased by having children. I'd like there to still be some resources left for them and their children in years to come.
NRGless, I know that having your first baby is the most exciting thing in the world & no way would you even consider putting your baby in a second hand anything...but take a breather & look at the bigger picture....
To your in-laws who are from a different generation paying even £100 is a big expense & looking at the price of prams even my generation gulps ( my son is 19)..there are so many issues along the way once the baby arrives that the pram sage will seem minuscule in comparison.
At some point you will need your in-laws, believe me no matter how proud you are there will be a time once the baby is here that you will be great-full for their one hour that they may offer you & your partner to give you a rest bite from the baby.
You could approach it by perhaps saying that you have decided that to get two prams one for the in-laws to keep in their home for when they have the baby & one for you to have at home...then they can keep the 2nd hand one & you can get your new one.
wishing the best.
I totally understand where you're coming from. My parents bought our pram when ours were babies. Well actually, we bought in and they transferred the money into our account without telling us! . MIL offered to buy cot, but didn't. Then offered to my high chair, but didn't. She did buy DS a sleepsuit and a flannel though.
I've just re read my post and realise it sounds very grabby and expecting and it's not meant to! We didn't ask for anything MIL just kept offering and kind of 'forgetting'.
My poor neglected pfb had not just 2nd hand, but about 5 or 6th hand buggy (used it for all the others too and it's still going strong at I think about 35 years old!) but not only that she had 4th hand cot (repainted and new mattress) and even the sheets were cut down from worn out full sized ones. Must ask her what trauma she's coping with
Oh dear, I do think people should find out how much things cost before blithely offering to pay for them and then retracting the offer when it transpires a modern pram doesn't cost three and six!
FWIW I think if it ever came down to a choice between the two, second-hand but good quality is a far better than option than brand new cheapy. My lovely MIL insisted on buying our pram and said I could spend as much as I wanted to get something really good. I wanted to save her money and went for a bottom-end travel system and it's been SHITE. We've used it and used it and used it, it's practically falling to bits and there's no way it'll do for another baby. Total false economy.
I probably sound so ungrateful but I'm not, I just wish they had never offered in the first place without researching first! I cannot stress enough that I would never ask for them to buy anything so it was nice that they offered. My DP is a snob and suggested a second hand mountain buggy lol, apparently that would be the best of both worlds (bloody idiot misses the point me thinks )
I don't actually know how I'm going to broach the subject with them, maybe take the cowards way out and just buy one then tell them when they ask why?
Perhaps they realise that you'll get fed up with a bulky travel system after 6 months and then you'll be buying a lightweight buggy off ebay and want to save you the hassle
Just buy the one you want, that you can afford and that suits your needs. Let your DP tell them you were overcome by hormones and a great bargain
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