To think that if you're broke you don't pay for someone else to go on holiday?

[sacredcow]

I must be mental to post in AIBU as this involves my DSD, but sod it!

We're not very well off financially at the minute. We've had to cut back on everything and I'm telling you its not been easy. So this year,we've not had a holiday and all the stuff we've done with the kids has been free and local.

So you can imagine how delighted I was when DH told me that he'd paid for grown up DSD to go on an AI holiday to the Med with her BF. Let me reiterate thats grown up DSD. Has left home, lives with boyfriend, works etc.

Now if he was helping her out with bills or rent or buying essentials then I wouldn't give two hoots as that's what parents are for. However AIBU to think that paying for someone else to go on bloody good holiday when at the same time you're telling your wife that you don't have any more money to contribute to the family finances is just fucking ridiculous and that if DSD couldn't afford an AI holiday in the med this year then her and her BF should have gone for something a bit cheaper. Hmm?

[squeakytoy]

Nope, you arent being unreasonable, I would have gone ballistic if I were you.

[ZillionChocolate]

HIBU.

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu

I would hit the roof tbh.

Do you have dc together?

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

How much has he actually given her?

[RalphGnu]

YANBU. If she's working then it's up to her to pay for her own holidays, unless it was perhaps as a special birthday gift that you and your DH could afford. I'd be pissed off too.

[revolutionscoop]

Do you know what? As soon as I saw the thread title, I just knew there was going to be a dsc involved. YANBU & you are not alone, either!

[sacredcow]

Yes we have two dc together.

I am so at the moment. a) Because he's done it and b) because he genuinely seems to be at a loss as to why I am so pissed off.

Its his DD. He wants to treat her. What's wrong with that? He says.

Well what's wrong with that is that your other two DC haven't had a holiday this year as we're broke. You're telling me that we can't afford to even go camping as we're broke while at the same time spending £600 or there abouts on sending your other DD, who has a FT job, on holiday. That's what's fucking wrong with that and he STILL doesn't get it.

[clingingtosanity]

YADNBU - I would have hit the roof! Things like that should always be discussed anyway & especially as she is supporting herself financially the rest of the time. Holidays are a luxury you save up for, not an entitlement.

[welshbyrd]

YADNBU - Id be livid if my DH did this, I really do not blame you for being angry

[LoveBeingAbleToNamechange]

£600 is out of order

[LIZS]

yanbu but iiwy perhaps I would question how hard up you (collectively) really are. Finances don't sound to be dealt with as a whole, jointly, if he "contirbutes" and you sound as if you resent that .

[ENormaSnob]

So he has effectively taken from you and the younger dc.

You can't take the younger dc camping or anything.

Livid wouldn't cover it in this house.

[sacredcow]

Yes its out of order. The fact that he didn't tell me until after she'd booked the holiday and paid for it tells me he knows its out of order. There's so much we could have spent that on and none of it involves a bender in Magaluf.

[musicposy]

Definitely out of order. The whole lot of you could have had a camping holiday for that money and I'm sure he could have asked her along too if he wanted to treat her.

[EightiesChick]

YANBU. I would be very angry. Do you have a joint account? How do you run your finances? Does he have savings that you don't get access to? A hard talk needed here. Sounds as if he thinks his money is purely his to spend on whoever he wants, and that doesn't really work in hard times when cutting back - everything has to go into the pot for spending to be prioritised.

Also, I'd now be asking which of his treats / indulgences he is going to cut back on to ensure that ALL his kids get a holiday. So if he usually gets football season ticket, Sky sports, nights out with friends etc, then that money should now go towards a camping trip or similar for your DC. I don't see how he can argue with the fact that if one of his kids gets a holiday, so should the others and he may have to go without himself to make that happen.

[ENormaSnob]

So what will you do about it now?

Oh god I can't comprehend someone thinking this is ok.

He is so unreasonable I can't put it into words.

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Why is he "contributing" and not just giving everything he has to keep your heads above water?

YADNBU

[rookiemater]

YANBU.
Don't be angry with your DSD though, that's what DCs do even some that are young adults if that's the pattern of behaviour that they have been taught, which I somehow suspect that it is.
Blame lies squarely with your DH.

[sacredcow]

Our finances have always worked where we have a joint account for all the joint outgoings - bills, shopping etc and then have our own accounts for what's left. When anything has gone up, we've paid in extra. We've always paid in proportionately what we earn so we've left with the same amount in our personal acs. Holidays and luxuries come out of what we put aside ourselves.

With food / petrol going up, we've had to put more into the joint, leaving less aside, but recently he's said he can't contribute more, so its been down to me. Now I know he's always helped DSD out, so I assumed that he's been doing just that. I was thinking along the lines of helping her with essentials, not a sodding holiday.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

I would be absolutely livid!!!

I suspect there is a bit of a blind spot/guilt wrt his DSD and she knows how to play him???

[WhoseGotMyEyebrows]

Why has he said he can't contribute more? What reason does he have for that?

[Tanif]

YADNBU!

£600 is a lot of money, whether someone is skint or not. If he'd slipped her twenty quid spending money then I might have said YABU, but forking out for a holiday for a grown woman with her own house and a full time job... sounds like she has darling daddy wrapped around her little finger.

[Chandon]

yanbu.

he must feel guilty towards her or something like that paying "off" the guilt?

Does she normally tell him things like he wasn't there for her, and he is trying to compensate?

[katz]

i think your financial set up needs to change personally. All money should go into one account and pay for all family based bills and expenses, than and only then can any surplus be spent equally. Gah, really don't get the separate finances bit.

[ZillionChocolate]

If the holiday budget was £600 and he'd given her a fifth of it as a treat, I think that would have been ok.