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to be stressed and unable to sleep about this?

(19 Posts)
Mare11bp Mon 25-Jul-11 00:46:21

Will try and keep short and to the point.

My C Section is imminent. Have to go into hospital early on the day at 7.30am. I live hour away from my family and in-laws much closer and will have DS overnight.

Mum text me late Friday night when I was in bed. Basically intimated that her and her new bloke wanted to see me on the day in hospital. I have only met him twice. He seems ok but my mum is a terrible judge of character. There have been a long list of men, one who had a conviction for severely attacking his wife and another who told my brother at their first meeting that my mum was great in the sack. shock. So forgive me if I am a bit cautious re. New bloke. Text her back said I would call her at a more reasonable hour but basically said as I didn't know him that well and was having major surgery could she come without him.

Was concerned had upset her, called another close family member to confide in, bad mistake with hindsight. This person had a go at me for allowing the in-laws to get involved, said it was my mums job to as she is my mum, and that my mum had hoped to have my DS for the day I go in for birth. I said well it's imminent, no one ever said anything to me, she wasn't present at last birth, how was I to know? I then pointed out that my mother could hardly be trusted, she is an alcoholic who frequently drinks and drives, she has never babysat or had DS to herself in 4 years because of this. Despite al this I was made to feel as if I was the one being unreasonable.

This family member did in fact call me back and apologised for upsetting me. Agreed that I would speak to mum about coming to the hospital and waiting for me after I come out of theatre to have first hold of baby etc. I feel this is quite a compromise as as well as being an alcoholic she smokes at least 30 a day, not what I want for my NB.

Call mum today as agreed, despite what she said to me late Friday eve now saying not sure she can come because of work. Hmmmm. She has not been to work since Friday daytime, so me thinks she has the hump because I have requested her bloke doesn't accompany her and because perhaps the in-laws are involved.

AIBU to feel totally pissed off at the unreasonableness of my family and the fact I am getting stick at a time like this? WWYD?

Ps cannot talk to mum about drinking she is in denial and ends up in a row, this has been going on for 16 years.

AgentZigzag Mon 25-Jul-11 00:57:08

I would leave your mum to her dramas and concentrate on doing what will make you feel happy and secure when you're in hospital smile

Your reasons for not wanting her to take your DS are very strong.

As is not wanting some random bloke on the inside of your curtained hospital bed, it's a very intimate time and it seems to be inappropriate of your mum to try and foist him on you.

I think you might have missed a word out in your OP because it doesn't say when you're due to go in, is it today? (Monday)

If it is ooooo I'm all excited for you grin and hope everything goes to plan <<pining for a newborn cuddle grin>>

pinkyp Mon 25-Jul-11 01:00:11

Think of it as a lucky escape like u said u didn't want your nb breathing in it ur mums fag and vodka fumes now dc won't have too smile

Mare11bp Mon 25-Jul-11 01:01:35

Not today, but nor far off. Thanks Agent.

Pandemoniaa Mon 25-Jul-11 01:02:10

Hope everything goes well. Don't be stressed and sleepless though. You've made a sensible decision given some difficult circumstances. Of course you don't really want a complete stranger turning up immediately after your CS and certainly, you don't need to be made to feel guilty about not leaving your DS with your mother given her alcohol problems.

thursday Mon 25-Jul-11 01:10:56

nightmare! why on earth would you be letting your mum look after ds now when she's never ever done it before and sounds pretty chaotic? i'd just step back and not have her visit in hospital at all.

monoid Mon 25-Jul-11 01:11:18

You have every right to be a bit pissed off. Stick with your plans and don't worry about it. If your Mum turns up after theatre, then she does. If not, then it doesn't matter.
My Dad is an alcoholic. When I was pregnant (18 years old at the time and single) he insisted that he wanted to come with me for the birth. He changed his mind when I was in labour (I suspect he was drinking and didn't want to leave the pub) and I ended up on my own for the most part (male cousin stayed for a while but didn't really want to stay for the birth - don't blame him really!) He didn't see dd until she was nearly 6 months.
Anyway, he's been pretty shit since then as well, and I've learnt that I just have to do what's best for dd and I, and everything else has to fit around that. You're lucky to have in laws you can rely on. Definitely stick with them.
I hope it all goes well :-)

Mare11bp Mon 25-Jul-11 01:13:57

Thursday I am not having her look after DS under any circumstances. Just feel pissed off that other family member made me feel bad about my choice.

Didn't this I was BU, but my family have a knack of doing a good job of convincing people that they are.

thursday Mon 25-Jul-11 01:18:34

sorry, i was being amazed that anyone would expect you to. i wasnt very clear. your choice is perfectly rational and the alternative would be weird. they've no business making a fuss and foisting strange men on you when youre about to have a baby. hope you get some sleep xx

Mare11bp Mon 25-Jul-11 01:19:23

Thanks mon due to mums alcoholism, like you I had to step back a bit few years ago in mine and my family's best interests.

I know my mum looks like she is taking an interest but she dips in and out of interest depending on whether or not the pub is calling and whether or not there is a new bloke on the scene. I think you know what I mean!

Mare11bp Mon 25-Jul-11 01:22:19

Thinking of telling everyone to bugger off and not come in on day one with exception of course of DP and DS. But seems selfish and I know will upset my mum and she is a bit fragile as well.a

snippywoo2 Mon 25-Jul-11 01:25:41

Tbh I wouldnt worry about upsetting your mother or your so called close family that think it is reasonable to call you and have a go at you, sod them all. Do what you want to, have the people there that you want.

thursday Mon 25-Jul-11 01:27:24

prioritise yourselves. if you cant have your own way when you're fresh out of surgery with a new baby then i dont know when you can!

monoid Mon 25-Jul-11 01:28:01

If you're worried about telling your Mum not to come in on day one, lie to her and say that the hospital have a rule about how many visitors you can have and so only your DP and DS will be able to see you. Something like that anyway. Then she won't feel snubbed as much as it isn't your fault. I think when my brother and his partner had their ds, only immediate family were allowed in due to the size of the ward (although they may well have made this up to get rid of my Dad!)

Pudding2be Mon 25-Jul-11 04:09:57

I haven't read the replies, but someone told me a story about a woman in her antenatal class who was married to a man who was I think Greek or Cypriot, and apparently it was a tradition for the whole family to be present at the birth (I'm not sure how true, so please don't flame me) and the thought of all her IL's in the room really upset her as she wanted just her and her husband.

What she did was discuss her fears with the midwife who was happy to help her and would stop any inlaws from going into the labour suite by saying it's against hospital rules, that way the midwife was the bad guy in her IL's eyes

Maybe you could speak to the midwife later?

Also I know they are very strict at my hospital on who can visit, so maybe if you prewarn them you might not have to deal with it.

Best of luck with your cs

worm77daisy Mon 25-Jul-11 06:17:55

I had a elective c-section 7 weeks ago and truthfully only my DH and DD were allowed to visit me on the day I certainly didnt feel up to seeing anyone else. I asked that my sisters new boyfriend didnt visit during my stay,which caused her to not visit and taking umbrage... But i didnt want all and sundry seeing me with a drain and catheter hook up!

I would leave all now let your mum contact you, you have laid out your very reasonable stall. It is your baby, she has had hers.

skybluepearl Mon 25-Jul-11 08:07:21

don't call her and let the subject of her having DD/seeing you with bloke after surgery quietly go away. you just need quality time with your new arrival and no negative distractions. you can alwasy leave instructions with the midwives about not seeing mother/boyfriend if push comes to shove. your needs are the most important at this point - stop considering anyone else.

EggLegs Mon 25-Jul-11 09:08:17

Absolutely not BU at all.

Forget about her and all the family, completely. Leave them to their dramas. Why bother to sort anything out... sounds like five minutes later they'll a. have forgotten about it or b. there'll be something else they'll be complaining about.

Have a word with the midwife and get your DP on side so the party line is 'Sorry, no visitors apart from DP and DS, post-operative hospital rules'. Just get your DP to phone shortly before you go into theatre and tell her no dice until the following evening. This gives you lots of time to recover - and you may well need it!

Chances are by the sound of it she won't be that interested anyway!

You WON'T want a fag-and-booze smelling self absorbed moaner at your bedside just after you've given birth, trust me. Whether she's your Mum or not!

Good luck with your CS!

Iteotwawki Mon 25-Jul-11 09:17:49

You are not being unreasonable. Whatever else you remember from this thread, remember that. You. Are. Not. Being. Unreasonable.

Your mother is, for wanting to bring an unknown quantity in to visit you at a time when you will be feeling emotional, hormonal and very very vulnerable. Her partner is, for not insisting that of course he wouldn't come no matter what your mother wants. And your other family member is being unbelievably unreasonable for having a go at you (days to delivery with all the associated stress that entails). Regardless of whether her thoughts and opinions have any good points (which they absolutely don't) - it is NOT ON to have a go at someone in late pregnancy.

For what it's worth, I'm glad you seem to have good inlaws that can take care of your son for you.

And for another what it's worth - if I were you I would only have your partner and son with you for the first day or several. Changing from a family of 3 to 4 is challenging, exciting, fun, difficult and (in my case at least) involved much crying! For what I'd done to my beloved PFB by inflicting a brother on him, for the brand new baby when I saw what my elder son was likely to do to/with him, for generally everything. It takes time to adjust and you really honestly don't want your mother complicating the issue with her wants and needs when all you should be doing is concentrating on your DS, your new baby, your partner and most of all you.

Good luck with the delivery, wishing you a speedy recovery.

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