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AIBU?

to not mind my 15 year old having a couple of beers and a WWYD?

27 replies

AtYourCervix · 24/07/2011 10:52

DD1 (15) went to a party this week. loads of her friends there - at another friends house. His parents were there.

I have found out (via facebook stalkery) that they did drink and DD has confirmed it. She says she had a couple of budwisers. She was tired the day after but not hungover. she is very honest and sensible and i believe her.

Obviously in many ways i would prefer she stayed at home reading but that isn't going to happen, she is growing up, and if she is going to, i'd rather she was at someones house than in an alley somewhere (very occasionally) .I am ok with DD having a couple of drinks in a safe place. She knows that I am. I trust her and she is very honest and will talk to me.

However. A daughter of a good friend was also at this here party (DD v matey with her as I am with the mum) and I know she would not think the same.
I was surprised this girl was staying over at a 'mixed' sleepover as she hasn't been allowed up until now and I know that these parents would very much not approve of them having beers.

So do I keep my gob shut as DD has asked? or tell my friend?

OP posts:

Report

Hassled · 24/07/2011 10:55

Don't say a word. You know nothing. If your friend wouldn't approve of this and her DD went and had a drink anyway, that's their issue.

squeakytoy · 24/07/2011 10:56

If the child was 12 I would perhaps say something, but if she is 15, then she is old enough to be learning a bit more about life, so I would stay out of it.

Mixed sleepovers are not orgies.. and a couple of beers is not going to turn her into an alcoholic either.

You sound like a sensible mum who realises her daughter is becoming an adult, but the other mum is living in cloud cuckoo land by the sounds of it.

SoCalledFeminist · 24/07/2011 11:00

i'm not sure that not wanting your daughter to drink underage is cuckoo land.

squeakytoy · 24/07/2011 11:03

Not wanting, and not expecting are two different things.

She may not want her daughter to have a couple of drinks, but unless she keeps her daughter locked up and away from her peers, then it will happen.

Teaching your teen to drink sensibly, and knowing that your teen can be honest with you, is a far safer option than a blanket ban and having a teen who has to choose between wanting to experiment a little like the majority of her peers, and then feels they have to lie to you.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 24/07/2011 11:03

If the other mother asks if her DD was at this party then I do not think you can lie. Not offering to tell her is different from lying when asked. You should not condone your DD wanting you to lie. What if this was your DD going somewhere else than what she had told you?

Glad that your DD has a good relationship with you.

LineRunner · 24/07/2011 11:03

I think the party sounds fine for 15 year olds.

I also think that you should stay out of the relationship between the other girl and her mother. That's between them.

Is your friend living in the real world?

AtYourCervix · 24/07/2011 11:06

So I say nothing unless asked specifically?

sounds like a plan - I'll tell DD that and tell her to tell her friend I won't lie if her mum asks me.

OP posts:

bellavita · 24/07/2011 11:07

I would keep quiet too. Sounds like you have a very sensible DD.

LineRunner · 24/07/2011 11:08

Sorry by that I mean that if you absolutely don't want your 15 year old DD to touch alcohol, and have made that clear and you think you have an agreement; and then you allow DD to attend a mixed party; and then DD goes to a party and does have a drink sensibly with adult supervison there, but doesn't tell you; then there is a 'reality check' needed somewhere.

OP, you sound grounded to me.

LineRunner · 24/07/2011 11:09

God I am having incoherence problems today...

OP I mean 'grounded' in a sensible reasonable way, not in 'You can't leave the house because you have been very naughty' kind of way.

AtYourCervix · 24/07/2011 11:12

inside i am freaking out at the thought of my baby doing grown-up stuff. trying to be all cool and chilled and calm on the outside. want her back at playgroup doing fingerpainting and the worst thing she could do is break her fairy wings.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 24/07/2011 11:13

I completely agree with dint say unless asked.

I know you say your daughter is honest when you ask but could you encourage her to be more open from the start? You only found out cause you stalked asked. Wouldn't you have rather known the plans before hand?

AtYourCervix · 24/07/2011 11:15

i've asked her to do that next time. We'll see.....

OP posts:

mumblechum1 · 24/07/2011 11:17

Agree with the others. They seem to start at 15 ish, and by 16 it goes up a notch - ds goes to 2 or 3 parties a week so I limit his alcohol buying to 2 or 3 beers a time. It's not ideal, but they don't seem to socialise through the day at the moment, just get together at night time.

It's like living with a vampire.

SoCalledFeminist · 24/07/2011 11:18

have to say it seems a bit reckless of the parents who were at the party to allow drinking given they had no idea if the other parents would want that.

charleneanne · 24/07/2011 11:27

it would have been more reckless if the parents had not have been there at least this way they are giving the kids a chance to prove that at 15 they can be sensible and not overdo the drink and also if anyone did have a bit to much adukts would be on hand for help i have had mny teenage parties for my boys and have had some drinks in for them and made sure that no one had to much to drink all the ones that were going home went home sober and unharmed so please tell me whats the harm in that they are not 5 year olds that need there hands holding and noses wiped we have to allow them to grow up and be responsible

altinkum · 24/07/2011 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motheroftwoboys · 24/07/2011 12:07

Well stated altinkum. So many people are unaware of the regulations. We always allowed our sons to have a little alcohol at their parties from when they were 15 but and we were ALWAYS were in the house - unobtrusive but around. We always found it was the children of the parents who didn't allow them to drink who would smuggle in the spirits and end up being sick. One of our sons, now 21, has always enjoyed wine with us whether out for dinner or at home, the other son, now 19, would rather have a soft drink.

AuntiePickleBottom · 24/07/2011 12:13

when i was a teen i used to put my self in dangourous situation where i would drink in the woods ect so my mum allowed me to drink at home.

At the time, i thought i had 'one over' on my mum.....but looking back i think my mum did the right thing to keep me safe.

RumourOfAHurricane · 24/07/2011 12:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 24/07/2011 12:25

I never kicked up a fuss about a few bears at that age. I always insisted ds drink plenty of water the next day and made it clear that although I wasn't forbidding it I still was not keen on excess and wouldn't tolerate that. He has never come in drunk or been unwell in anyway and he is 17 now. I think being open is the way forward as they do experiment whether you think they do or not and some of my friends who boast that their kids don;t are actually parents to (according to ds) the biggest drinkers of all! I think you have to be responsible for your own daughter and advise her and keep quiet about the other girl Good luck its a tricky few years when this starts xx

OrdinaryJo · 24/07/2011 12:25

I think if you lie then you are sending mixed messages to your DD. So I would do as others have suggested - not bring it up with the other mum but if she asks you, you should be honest.

Can I keep this thread open for the next 10 years by the way because you sound like you and DD are handling this issue so well [future panic mode icon].

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TidyDancer · 24/07/2011 12:28

I agree with the idea of not saying anything unless asked. Do not offer up the information, but do not withhold it if you are asked directly.

Tortington · 24/07/2011 12:29

id keep my gob shut - its up to your friend to parent her child.

i didn';t mind my children going to parties as long as i took them and i picked them up - there wern't many parties - i mean what parent goes away and lets their 15/16 yr old have parties - you have to be insane - but it did happen - anyway... so they went to a few parties and i controled the situation as best i could, i made sure that i knew where the party was , that i took them, i picked them up, kthat they could contact me.

i cant control everything, i can know whats going on and be in the loop rather than pretend that there is no loop and my child won't do tis kind of thing

noddyholder · 24/07/2011 12:31

I agree custy. My ds has had 2 parties I went out for both and came home at 1. They knew that after 1 I was in and so they could stay or go. I made myself and dp a coffee and went upstairs with the laptop. They were noisy but fairly tame no one was out of control drunk and all very respectful. I felt ancient though

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