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to expect my PIL to treat all of her grandchildren equally?

(30 Posts)
ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 09:17:17

They have 3 GC - my DS 5months, DPS 6 yrs and GD 2 yrs (SIL), the way they treat my DS is totally different from the other 2, since the day he was born they have offered us no physical, emotional or financial help with him.

They haven't asked us if we need anything for him or bought him anything whereas the other 2 are constantly having clothes and toys bought for them and money given to them, they hasn't even thought to throw in a pack of wipes when they've been shopping but they always pick things up for the others!

In the weeks after DS was born they used to come to the house and expect me to run around after them and make tea and food for them, not once did they offer to run the hoover round, make a cuppa etc.

They don't offer to look after him even for an hour or so, so me and DP can do something, last time we asked them so we could go to the cinema they said yes but when we got to the house they said they couldn't as they had to pick DPS up from school as his mother couldn't be bothered to go!

I'm beginning to feel incredibly resentful towards them and am beginning to not even want to bother taking DS to see them.

To top it all off I booked for all of us to go away for 3 nights on the condition that they gave me their share asap as I'm down to basic maternity pay now and they are coming up with excuses as to why they can't pay yet, it's now supposed to be Weds when I have the money!

Please AIBU or not or is it just me being oversensitive? DP is beginning to see but he's very defensive over his mother!!

PotterWatch Sun 24-Jul-11 09:22:28

YANBU. GPs should treat their DGC the same, however, I am assuming it is their daughters children that they are favouring? Doesn't seem to be that uncommon I think. Maybe they assume your family should be 'helping' you out.

My MIL does nothing for her GC, mine are the only ones, she even gave me a gentle 'playful' push 2 days after my section then wondered why I reminded her that I had just had major surgery.

Personally I wouldn't make an effort if they don't and tell them if they don't cough up the money, you are taking them off the booking and don't bother inviting them again if they are going to make excuses about not being able to pay after they agreed they would.

pigletmania Sun 24-Jul-11 09:22:29

YANBU at all. I wont say to you that its probably his age, the others are older, as it seems as though they have treated their other GC differently from an early age. I would have a chat with your dp and get him to talk to them as they are his parents. This is not on, and has to be nipped in the bud before your DS grows up and realises that he is being treated differently.

pigletmania Sun 24-Jul-11 09:24:29

I hate this, I don't know why GP do this. MIL/FIL don't all GC are treated equally, they have to make the effort or the GP will grow to resent them in the future, as some posters on here have had experience of being the forgotten GC and are very resentful of their situation quite rightly.

pigletmania Sun 24-Jul-11 09:25:58

Also tell them to pay or you will cancel their booking, tight arses.

Martha85 Sun 24-Jul-11 09:28:39


YANBU. That isn't fair. All Grandchildren should be treated equally. Just a thought, does SIL have an OH? If not maybe PIL feel she needs more help?

Zimm Sun 24-Jul-11 09:29:38

YANBU - I'd confront them personally, but I realise this could lead to further issues.

Southernisle Sun 24-Jul-11 09:32:09

Is DPS your partner's son?

Why are they going to pick up his son from school if his mother can't be bothered to why wasn't your partner contacted to collect him?

If DP is their son - and this is his second child, I would wonder if they feel they do enough for you as a family (as your step child and child are equal or should be) that they are not doing anything specific for your youngest.

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 09:35:10

The children are my son with my DP, his son from a previous relationship and their daughters DD.

It's just constant, DPS and their GD have a new toy every week, nothing for my DS.

I would just appreciate it if they even picked up a jar of food, pack of nappies or some babygrows!

It's as if he doesn't even register on their radar!

I am going to say to them on Weds if there's no show with the money that I can't afford to go so I'm cancelling it.

My DS is being christened today and they've offered no help and shown barely any interest in it sad It's just so hurtful for us.

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 09:37:34

They do everything for DPS and he's with them constantantly, when his mother rings they stand to attention it's the same with their GD. I feel if they do for the others then they should do the same for their 3rd GC.

pigletmania Sun 24-Jul-11 09:41:29

Whatever way, this is not fair and not on. Your DP should have a chat to his parents and nip it in the bud now!

Southernisle Sun 24-Jul-11 09:44:26

Ok the money thing is a separate issue for the holiday and is just down right rude on their part. If they want to go they pay, if they don't they say they don't want to, they don't keep fobbing you off.

The children I wonder if with regards to your DPs son they are making up for the fact that he's not full time with him and feel guilty, where you are concerned they feel that their son should be doing it all and does not require their assistance, esp if he's not saying anything about it. And there does tend to be a different relationship with mother's and daughter's.

juneau Sun 24-Jul-11 09:47:35

YANBU at all. My parents are really careful to be completely fair with all of their seven GC. What one gets, all the others get. If they can't afford to do something for all seven, they don't do it at all.

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 09:47:39

With DPS he is 80% with DP and 20% with his bio mother so that shouldn't really be an issue, DP won't say anything to his mother as for some reason he doesn't want to hurt her feelings!

runnyhabbit Sun 24-Jul-11 09:49:08

OP, you have my sympathies. My PIL think that we do not need anything because my parents like less than a mile away. The fact that my mum works nearly fulltime, and my dad works away from home has completely passed them by.

If you want things to change, you (or your dp) need to do something about it.

Btw, how old are the other GC? I ask because some GP forget what babies need / are like iyswim. It can be easier to buy things when they're older (toys etc)

HappyMummyOfOne Sun 24-Jul-11 09:49:58

Yes they should treat them all the same but perhaps they feel the other two need them more as they are older.

YABVU to expect "physical, emotional or financial help with him". Thats your job as a parent not your MIL's. Given the way you talk about her perhaps she feels you see her as nothing more than somebody that should hand out cash and babysit.

runnyhabbit Sun 24-Jul-11 09:52:03

And yes, unfortunately there can be a difference in the mother/daughter and mother/son relationship.

Think that this may already have been said, but perhaps they "jump" for your dss because they are scared that they will lose contact?

pigletmania Sun 24-Jul-11 10:00:37

happymummy its nothing to do with that, ALL GC should be treated equally, if you get one treat for one, the others should get something to. It seems like they don't care. It is up to your DP to do something now, what about your DS feelings when he is old enough to realise that he is being treated differently to the others. Not on. My PIL are great, they give equally to all the GC. Yes SIL gets more physcical help from them because she lives near them, we don't, we live in a totally different country.

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 10:13:27

Happymummyofone - by emotional, physical or financial help - I mean when they come down here instead of expecting me to run around after them for them to say sit down I'll put the kettle on, do you need me to do anything for you seeing as you've been up all night wih a teeting baby, emotional asking if I'm ok if their GC is ok something they never do, financial - yes by picking up a pack of wipes or baby grows - they can afford to do it for their other GC so why not this one? I have never shown her or said anything to her re this so she has no idea how I'm feeling!!

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 10:26:04

runnyhabbit the ssm needs them more so she won't do that and there's access orders in place

AuntiePickleBottom Sun 24-Jul-11 10:29:42

was they like this when the other grand children was babies.

Perhaps the grand parents, like to buy the other 2 gift as they enjoy the smiles and there face light up...where as with a baby you don't get that.

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 10:33:10

No when the others were little they used to buy for them, babysit and help out with loads of stuff, they've helped out with getting homes and furniture etc for DP and DPS too.

megapixie Sun 24-Jul-11 10:37:32

I think it needs to be sorted before your DS grows up and notices. You must feel terribly hurt. Although it may be easier for them to buy stuff for their older grandchildren, that is no reason for them to leave your DS out just because he's young. Ask your DP to say something to them.

Also, tell them they aren't coming anymore because they won't pay. It's just disrespectful of them.

FuzzpigFourFiveSix Sun 24-Jul-11 10:42:52

YANBU. As they adore your DP's DS, is it possible that the problem is with YOU? Do they dislike you, whereas they liked his ex? It's not unheard of for that to be taken out on the children sad

ehedydd Sun 24-Jul-11 10:46:12

I've always got on really with them, I've known them for over 10 years but been with DP for 2 years now. They hated his ex all they do it slag her off and say awful things about her to me, it's dreadful the things they say about her, it makes my skin crawl sad

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