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for wanting a baby when he doesn't?

(14 Posts)
missmaryp Fri 22-Jul-11 21:15:52

I'm pissed off! With myself mainly.

When me and my partner got together 2 years ago, the expectation was no more kids (we both have children from previous relatinships) but hey ho biology etc took hold and now I want nothing more. It is pathetically pretty much all I think about.

He now says that he wants to wait a year for us to enjoy living together a bit more (sounds reasonable so far) and that I should be happy and just put my feelings aside for now because in a year I will get what I want. (Still sounds pretty reasonable).

However, the conversation finished with him justifying this with asking if i could see i was getting the good deal as he would only get what he wants for the next year and then not forever, by having a baby even when he does not want one and is happy with the family we have.

How can I accept that? Of course I want a baby with him, because I believe it will add joy to our family, but AIBU to think it would be wrong to do that with someone who doesn't want it?

I'm so confused now! And sad. And just. Grrrrrrrr.

sleepindogz Fri 22-Jul-11 21:17:43

Save up for a holiday, its less money and far more enjoyable

FunnysInTheGarden Fri 22-Jul-11 21:18:38

how old are you and how many DC do you already have?

SheCutOffTheirTails Fri 22-Jul-11 21:19:02

YANBU to want another baby.

I'm not sure I'd have one on the basis of what he's saying.

TartyDoris Fri 22-Jul-11 21:20:00

Do NOT get pregnant "accidentally" if you have any respect whatsoever for your partner.

thisisyesterday Fri 22-Jul-11 21:20:52

ahhhhh this old chestnut

no, yanbu for wanting another baby
but.... you knew he didn't want any when you got together with him, and it would be unfair to expect him to suddenly want one

he is making a good point imo.

so you either:
a) have no more babies
b) have a baby knowing he doesn't really want one (but maybe would love the idea when it actually happened?)
c) find someone else who does actually want a baby with you

missmaryp Fri 22-Jul-11 21:22:16

I'm 26 and we both have a 5 year old.
He is 43, and I'm kinda conscious that if we don't do it nowish, well, I just think the younger the better!

He seems to think I knew he didnt want kids so this is nothing new, but what he has said IS new, seeing as previously it was more along the lines of "I didn't want more children but understand it's important to you" rather than "I will have childen but I don't want to". Or maybe it's the same and I've just been seeing things that aren't really there.

missmaryp Fri 22-Jul-11 21:24:08

I would NEVER get pregnant 'accidentally'. I adore this man!

It's a choice between a) and b) thisisyesterday, we have a great relationship and i've never met anyone like him.
However, I do not not feel fulfilled with one child, I want her to have a sibling.

Bit stuck.

2littlegreenmonkeys Fri 22-Jul-11 21:24:11

I can see it from both sides TBH

YANBU to want another baby, but if your partner really doesn't want another can you honestly say you would be happy to have a baby with him if he feels like that.

I would love another DC, DH and I have 2 DD's already. DH does not want another child so we wont be having any more. It upset me at first but I could not have had another DC with DH unless he wanted to.
The longing is passing (slowly) But I know how you feel.

FunnysInTheGarden Fri 22-Jul-11 21:27:15

I do get where you are coming from wanting a sibling for your DC and also any more than a 5 year age gap might be too much. But you are still young and I suppose it boils down to whether you want to risk a resentful DP or not.

thisisyesterday Fri 22-Jul-11 21:31:09

it's really difficult isn't it? whoever "wins" it means the other one is always going to feel slightly resentful sad

I hope you can figure it out in time. maybe by next year he'll have changed his mind?

missmaryp Fri 22-Jul-11 21:36:28

It is really difficult and thank you everyone for making me feel at least like I am not being a bitch because oh I do love him and I just want us to be happy!

Problem is we have two different ideas of happy!

I can't do anything but wait I suppose. It just makes me want to cry! The longing is nowhere near passing for me and I also feel that his decision is going to affect what I believe is best for my daughter - a sibling... I can feel the resentment beginning from my side and that's the last thing I want to grow in what is the most wonderful relationship I have ever experienced.


homeboys Fri 22-Jul-11 21:44:51

i think you should leave the subject well alone otherwise his "yes in a year" will turn into a "no".

TartyDoris Fri 22-Jul-11 21:47:22

Men can have kids into their 80s, there really isn't a rush if you're only 26. If you wait a few years your existing kids will be old enough to change nappies and babysit the new baby.

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