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What is wrong with me?

(127 Posts)
FiremanSamsMum Fri 22-Jul-11 19:44:59

I need some harsh talking to - seriously!

I'm 34yo, mum of a 2yr, ok to look at - I wont stop traffic but I get by- 5'8, 10.5 stones, passable shape, well educated, well adjusted person and I just cant seem to find a man I want.

I date quite a bit because I'm on a dating site and I get quite a few emails. I just want a sane man who is educated, self assured, can hold his own and is not overwhelmed by me. Tall, goodlooking and fit will be a big plus

Yet, when I do meet these men on dates, they are either overwhelmed by me, or we are not at par socially. [When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh smile, is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc]

Its doing my head in, honestly. I am also incredibly empathetic and I try to treat everyone as I would love to be treated so even if they are not what I want - I am nice and polite and go through with the dates. They want to see me again and I do not. Some fall for me and get hurt when I say they are not what I want. I'm not a bad person but I want to be with a man because I respect and fancy him and its mutual.

Why cant I find a good fit for me, man wise? I want a man who is comfortable with himself, can go to any upscale bar or restaurant and not feel out of place or inadequate. I also want him to be kind, honest, hardworking, respect everyone and a good person.

Is this too much to ask? Where are all the men gone?

A dating site is probably not the best of places to meet "him" but it seems the whole world and the brother are on dating sites so why havent I found someone?

It's almost as if I'm doomed to not meet a man within the social bracket I am in.

Please talk some sense into me!!!!

sleepindogz Fri 22-Jul-11 19:49:32

get your head out of your arse and then have another look smile


DogsBestFriend Fri 22-Jul-11 19:53:38

"they are either overwhelmed by me, or we are not at par socially. [When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh smile, is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc] "


clingingtosanity Fri 22-Jul-11 19:54:47

Erm, have you not thought that, maybe by having such a high opinion of yourself, you're never going to find anyone 'good enough'.

I think you're making judgements on people before you really know them. How well can you judge how comfortable someone will be in an 'upscale environment' based on a first or early date when most people are nervous anyway?

AmaraDresden Fri 22-Jul-11 19:55:09

What sleepingdogz said. Seriously, just because a man doesn't talk with a plum in his mouth it doesn't mean he is inferior.

AmaraDresden Fri 22-Jul-11 19:55:10

What sleepingdogz said. Seriously, just because a man doesn't talk with a plum in his mouth it doesn't mean he is inferior.

DontAskMeSums Fri 22-Jul-11 19:56:07

Wow! Well, at least you are honest!
There's a double-bind here, really. You want a man who is 'highly educated, cultured, a bit posh' etc Men like that are probably wary of being sought after for those qualities alone ie we all like being loved for who we are.
It all sounds a bit materialistic and demanding to me.

WriterofDreams Fri 22-Jul-11 19:56:17

Sorry but you sound like a snob. I think that's the problem.

MissVerinder Fri 22-Jul-11 19:56:21

Got a bob on yourself, OP?

Macaroona Fri 22-Jul-11 19:57:15

If you really are as wonderful as you sound, you could try one of those dating sites that only lets posh, attractive people sign up? I've seen them in mags - will probably be quite pricey but you'll get rich men smile

mousesma Fri 22-Jul-11 19:59:48

You seem more interested in your potential mate's ability to look good as an accessory in your prententious lifestyle.

Andrewofgg Fri 22-Jul-11 20:01:47

Male here, and let me be frank.

Many of my gender simply will not form a serious relationship with a woman with a small child. It may be right, it may be wrong, it may be very sad; but it is true. You are looking for a man who besides all the other qualities you mention will show an exceptional degree of altruism, and that is so even if your child's father pays full maintenance. The man you are looking for will become a major figure, more or less of a father figure, in the life of another man's child, and not many men will do that.

All honour and credit to those who do, and many do and do it well. But it is a great deal to expect.

(And I know that all this applies to women too, but that is not the issue here).

HintofBream Fri 22-Jul-11 20:02:03

OP is not being materialistic and demanding, merely realistic. There are plenty of examples on MN of feckless losers. Why should she not want to avoid getting enmeshed with one of these?

Mare11bp Fri 22-Jul-11 20:02:12


Hassled Fri 22-Jul-11 20:03:03

You are scaring them off because you are overly obsessed with class, and you're mistaking good levels of education with being good company.

Mare11bp Fri 22-Jul-11 20:03:49

If you are not a troll, and I mean this genuinely, not as a swipe, maybe posh blokes are just not into single parents?

purplepidjin Fri 22-Jul-11 20:06:10

Show them some respect as human beings instead of deciding that the entire world is socially inferior to you.

And, for a highly educated person, your grammar is appalling.

MeconiumHappens Fri 22-Jul-11 20:17:46

Wow, how do you type with your head so far up your own arse. Amazing. Can everyone in your 'social bracket' do it? Its impressive. Very cultured and HIGHLY educated.

Pffft. Honestly.

DoMeDon Fri 22-Jul-11 20:25:19

What would you say are your faults?

Sounds like you are dating the wrong men in the first place. What is the point of carrying through the date if you know he's not for you from the off? Then they 'get hurt' - surprise - what, by the attractive woman being nice to them all eve who then blows cold? Stop massaging your ego and be honest with these men.

As for the comments about men don't want single mums - utter, utter, shart.

HowlingBitch Fri 22-Jul-11 20:28:10

Andrewofgg I'm sorry Frank but that's a load of tosh! I think you may be speaking in terms a single man without children himself (even in that case it's still slightly toshy). There are many single men out there who have children of their own and have no problem with dating the mother of a small child.

Oh yes, OP YABU. There is just not enough room in your own arse for two people.

Andrewofgg Fri 22-Jul-11 20:33:42

HowlingBitch and DoMeDon I don't doubt that there are many men about whom you are right - but, Howling, dating is one thing, a long-term relationship - let alone marriage - is quite another. There is a substantial slice of men who do not want (legal or actual) step-children, even if they won't all admit it.

Like it, lump it, but live with it.

Andrewofgg Fri 22-Jul-11 20:34:44

Incidentally, at the risk of sounding like Airplane, please don't call me Frank. That is what I was being, not who I am!

QuietTiger Fri 22-Jul-11 20:37:37

You need to look at the person rather than the "trappings". If DH and I were compared on paper, you'd see the following:

DH - Left state school school at 16, no qualifications, manual worker, no family money, not "cultured" (never been to the opera, ballet, classic concert), hates reading and is seriously dyslexic, thick Welsh accent.

Me - Privately educated at a top independent school, 4 degrees (including 2 masters) and good jobs, extensive travel, posh accent, and I read so much, we joke my books breed.

We are poles apart. If I was going by your criteria, we would never have got together.

Yet I have met & married the most amazing man. He is incredible. He is intelligent, kind, considerate, honourable, makes me laugh every day, infact, I would probably make you puke in a bucket if i carried on about how amazing he is.

I would suggest that you get your head out of your arse and look at the person, rather than the materialistic trappings.

DoMeDon Fri 22-Jul-11 20:42:14

Your experience is not mine Andrew. I know a lot of men who would happily, date, cohabit and marry a woman with DC. I don't have to 'live with it' as your opinion means nothing to me.

HowlingBitch Fri 22-Jul-11 20:48:09

There is a substantial slice of men who do not want (legal or actual) step-children, even if they won't all admit it.

Yes, They are called immature twunts. Who on earth would want a man like that anyway? A substantial slice of men single men are divorced and have children of their own. MN alone is full of lovely SPs both male and female.

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