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To not offer my parents a cup of tea?

(120 Posts)
BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 11:34:54

About 3 years ago, my parents moved to a house I own about 15 minutes away from mine (previously, they'd been a 2-hour drive away). When they moved in, I asked them to try to ring or send a text before they call to my house.

There are a number of reasons for this: I value my privacy and space; I like the option of being able to say that it doesn't suit me; my mother is extremely nosey and unrepentently tells everyone she meets about my business ("I was talking to <insert slight acquaintance's name> about your <embarrassing and personal problem> and they said...") and she is a complete control freak if she thinks she can get away with it.

I typically tell her as little as I can get away with, because she is a drama queen. Recently, when my DSis considered splitting up with her DH, the biggest concern we all had was my mother's reaction. Also, she gets very hurt and upset because she doesn't understand why we won't tell her things. As much as she winds me up, I don't like hurting her feelings.

Recently, I was having a health complaint investigated and she popped in without warning and saw the monitoring equipment. I hadn't told her about it because it was nothing she needed to worry about. Having "caught me out", she has started calling in most days. If I'm not here, I immediately get a call asking where I am, if I'm alright. If I don't/can't answer, she'll ring DH's mobile. I am a grown woman, with a F/T job and some DCs, FFS! I feel I should no longer have to log my every movement with my parents. It makes me revert to my obnoxious teenager days and bang door and shout!

So, this morning I am flat out on the sofa in my robe. DS is at summer camp, DH at the gym, DD and I are wallowing in the horrible flu-ey virus we have. Again, without knocking, Mother appears in the kitchen with my dad in tow. They come in, sit down, and wait expectantly. So I said, "Did you want something?" Dad demands a cup of tea and I say "no". I make monosyllabic replies to their questions and after about 5 minutes, they leave. I expect a hurt text or phonecall later.

AIBU to be rude when they turn up daily, unannounced, after I have asked them (and they agreed) not to? I don't know what the alternative is, as any reasonable conversation I try to have will end up with her in tears "Why me? What did I do to deserve a daughter who doesn't love me? etc" and dad will start shouting and we probably won't speak for a month, IME. AIBU to want to live my life without my mother needing to know every detail of my personal life?

itisnearlysummer Thu 21-Jul-11 11:39:36

God, YANBU. That would really annoy me too. Can you lock the door/put the chain on to keep them out?

Failing that ask for your key back! Tis very rude!

LostInTransmogrification Thu 21-Jul-11 11:45:56

Put a chain on your doors, that's horrendous!

NoMoreWasabi Thu 21-Jul-11 11:47:29

I'd change the locks.

squeakytoy Thu 21-Jul-11 11:48:28

Why do they have a key. Change the lock, its as simple as that.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 21-Jul-11 11:51:45

YANBU. How do they get in? If they have keys, get them back! And if they don't speak to you for a month - that sounds like a plan to me ...

BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 11:54:10

To be fair, the doors are rarely locked as we live in a small village and there are constantly kids running in and out (although my dad nearly walked in on DH and I a while back, when the kids were out and we were indulging in a bit of afternoon delight <shudder>). It's the fact that they're willing to make a 30-minute round trip in the car to make sure there's nothing they might have missed.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Thu 21-Jul-11 11:55:02

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get the keys back, lol...that is one scenario you do not want repeated smile

Ephiny Thu 21-Jul-11 11:55:31

Don't you lock your doors? Or do they have a key?

This would definitely annoy me. Maybe it's normal in some families to be wandering in and out of each other's houses all the time, and that's fine if everyone's happy with it. But if you've made it clear you need some privacy and space, then they're being rude and inconsiderate by barging in all the time. I wonder how they'd feel if you did the same to them?

They sound a bit obsessed with you to be honest. Like you say, you're a grown woman and they shouldn't need to know where you are and what you're doing every moment of the day! Are they retired, do they have any friends/hobbies/interests/committments of their own?

I know it's not very helpful to say now, but probably it was a mistake to have them living so close, I would not want to be this close to my Ils or parents, and they're not even as bad as yours sound!

Ormirian Thu 21-Jul-11 11:56:05

No you are not!

I am stunned that they would expect a cuppa in those circumstances.

Change the locks and tell them why.

blackeyedsusan Thu 21-Jul-11 11:56:51

keep the door locked/ change locks/chain/bolt

not speaking for a month sounds like you will get a months peace. wink


alemci Thu 21-Jul-11 11:58:26

couldn't they make you a cup of tea as they could see you were ill and offer to help you out. Why had they called in. What do they do when they are at your house.

I find it unbelievable. My in laws and my mother have keys for my house but would never do this sort of thing.

AgentZigzag Thu 21-Jul-11 12:01:46

Don't ask them, tell them! shock

Very cheeky and overstepping boundaries like it's an olympic event.

VelveteenRabbit Thu 21-Jul-11 12:01:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 12:04:35

I'd say you have hit the nail on the head, Ephiny. They are both retired, have far too much time on their hands, and my siblings live much further away so only get the phonecalls, not the visits. If we didn't speak for a month, my brothers and sister would suffer though, as they'd get the weepy phonecalls. Otherwise, I wouldn't hesitate.

BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 12:07:32

I like the way you worded that, VRabbit. It's not even the letting themselves in, it's that they turn up at all. It's difficult to ignore the doorbell when they know I'm in.

I hate the passive aggressive rudeness I feel forced to resort to, I'm normally as blunt as a breezeblock with other people.

AgentZigzag Thu 21-Jul-11 12:09:19

'If we didn't speak for a month, my brothers and sister would suffer though, as they'd get the weepy phonecalls. Otherwise, I wouldn't hesitate.'

That's not a reason to let them carry on, if your brothers and sister are adults they can deal with your parents emotional blackmail themselves.

I wonder why they've moved further away...?

CurrySpice Thu 21-Jul-11 12:21:37

While I don't think YABU to not want them to turn up unannounced, I think there are better ways of tackling this that being outright rude tbh

BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 12:24:57

I agree, CurrySpice. I just don't know what those alternatives are. confused

CurrySpice Thu 21-Jul-11 12:27:01

Sit them down and have an ault-to-adult chat

I know our parents can still sometimes make us react in a different way to other people. No matter how well we get on, that parent / child thing can be hard to shake.

But you are a adult too. Talk to them as you would any other.

There! Simple grin wink

I know it's not simple but it's what you have to do

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch Thu 21-Jul-11 12:29:13

Evict them. You say they live in a house you own - sell it. Then they'll have to move, hopefully further away.

And in the meantime, get a chain on the door and keep it chained while you're in.

I couldn't bear this situation.

CurrySpice Thu 21-Jul-11 12:32:13

I am assuming you are joking about evicting them thumbs shock

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch Thu 21-Jul-11 12:36:12

Well not really joking as such. I probably wouldn't do it though, however much I might like to. It's a harsh reaction but God, I'd be at the end of my tether if this was my parents.

Thankfully, mine found 15 minutes to be too far for them to travel too often, but the OP has a real problem on her hands and a parent who has no boundaries. Setting them for her might be the only way forward.

BadEmployee Thu 21-Jul-11 12:37:55

I won't be doing that, Thumbs hmm

While I know you are right, Curry, it only works if it is adult-to-adult. I'm not sure my parents know how to behave like grown-ups sometimes. There's a reason I own their house.

Kladdkaka Thu 21-Jul-11 12:41:30

I'd be really hurt if my daughter felt like this about me. sad

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