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To expect the school to do something about this kid?

(49 Posts)
Bizkit Thu 21-Jul-11 10:09:51

DS told me at dinner time last night that a child in his class hit him round the face twice yesterday
They are 8yr olds and we've had problems with this boy before.
A few months back we had a few incidents, kicking,pushing, then he got punched in the stomach, this child has used threatening behaviour, asked his mates to hit my son for him and swears quite a bit I think.
We told the teachers of these incidents and it seemed not much was done, to be fair I dont think my DS always told the teachers as he was worried of getting in trouble if he intrupted the teacher.
The last straw was when this kid put his hands round my sons throat. We wrote a letter to the head teacher and had a few meetings and things seemed to be getting better, they were fully aware of this child and other parents had made complaints. He was put on report and I think his every move was watched they had an extra support teacher in the class alot.

Also like to add this was all in the time my son was going through a diagnosis for epilepsy and we didnt know much about his condition yet.

Things have been quiet recently and I thought this kid was getting better until a few weeks back one of the parents told me he was back on report cos he was giving her son grief.

Now Ive gone and spoke to the class teacher about yesterdays incident and Im totally hacked off that she didnt seem that bothered and then said well your son didnt have a great day either kicking mud at people....err hello not quite the same seriousness is it?
Im going to try and speak to the head teacher when I pick my daughter up from nursery but I get a feeling that they keep making excuses for this boy and seems to flip the blame onto my son.
They have said before that my son says silly things like so so has a girlfriend and it winds this other kid up and he needs to stay away from him.

Yesterday apparently this kid just came up to my son said why have you been calling me dumbo, pushed him then slapped him!

Am I being unreasonable to think this is totally unacceptable no matter what my son has said to him??

Blu Thu 21-Jul-11 10:13:47

It is totally unacceptable but it's ALSO totally unacceptable for your son to wind him up, call him dimbo and make stupid remarks about girlfriends. And kick mud at people - it could go in thier eyes - and wait for the letter about other parents complaining about mud allover best jumper etc.

Yes, mud kicking is LESS important, but you need to take responsibility for what your DS does too.

GeekCool Thu 21-Jul-11 10:15:12

Of course the violence is unacceptable, I would now bypass the class teacher and discuss with the Head.
You possibly also should have a word with your son about winding people up and his own behaviour, although I am not suggesting in any way that he is responsible for being assaulted.

AMumInScotland Thu 21-Jul-11 10:16:40

Well, your son's behaviour doesn't excuse the other boy' s behaviour, but it does explain it to some extent, don't you think?

If someone kept winding me up, calling me Dimbo, making jokes about me, and kicking mud at me, I'd probably react pretty badly too.

Your son knows this boy can be aggressive - why does he keep trying to make him react? Sounds like he wants to get the other boy into trouble to me.

itisnearlysummer Thu 21-Jul-11 10:19:10

Sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to me.

Whilst violence is never the answer and all that, children will only take so much verbal crap before they start giving some of it back.

Henwelly Thu 21-Jul-11 10:20:04

It is unacceptable as blu said, but my son has hit out at a little boy a few times and we have discovered it is because the boy keeps making high pitched noises in his ear, following him around calling him names and telling other kids to avoid him.

I'm not justifying what hes has done (or my little boy!) but you also need to take responsibility for your sons actions even if they are less serious - they are no less annoying and unkind.

Do they like each other at all, would it be worth taking them out to see if you can iron out the prob?

Bizkit Thu 21-Jul-11 10:20:06

Yes I do take responsibilty for my sons behaviour but when I go to tell them about an incident that I want dealt with they bring up something my son did at a totally different time of the day. If they thought it that serious they should of told me when I picked him up yesterday, they only mentioned it this morning cos I was complaining about something else.

And as far as Im aware my son didnt actually call him dumbo, it was other kids telling this child he did.
The stupid remarks about so so is your girlfriend etc, is things kids this age do isnt it? they all say silly things..dont think it warrants being slapped or strangled to be honest

thederkinsdame Thu 21-Jul-11 10:22:48

Does the other boy have SN? Might explain the lack of control if your DS is winding him up i.e. while most will respond verbally, if he has ASD or a similar condition he won't have the control or verbal processing skills to respond appropriately. Not an excuse for his behaviour, but it may explain it.

Personally, I would suggest a word with your DS about winding him up, as it sounds as though he is pushing his buttons, which is a pretty daft thing to do if he knows he's likely to get a belting! I'd suggest to your DS to stay away from him and calm down the name calling to deal with that side of things.

As for the boy, I'd remind the school they have a duty of care in safeguarding your DS and I would also point out that if he has epilepsy, being hit may cause him problems. I would explain to the teacher that you are aware that your DS is, like all children, not above a bit of tit for tat and that you have spoken to him about not winding the other boy up. However, you now regard it as the school's duty to ensure the other boy is dealt with appropriately to stop the hitting and bullying as this cannot go on.

Bizkit Thu 21-Jul-11 10:23:48

My son has been spoken to about winding him up, and they sit seperately, and he does not play with seemed it was all sorted a few months back.

My son didnt do anything yesterday,other kids saying stuff led to this incident.

Also this child has bullied other children and been on report twice...they cant all be 'winding him up' surely, I know I at least ten other parents who have had concerns

itisnearlysummer Thu 21-Jul-11 10:25:00

Children of that age do make silly and stupid remarks until they learn better.

And children of that age do respond by slapping etc, until they learn better.

It does sound a little bit like the teacher has had their fill of both boys and are waiting for the summer holidays to arrive!

Maybe they didn't think the mud kicking incident was worth mentioning until you went in to complain about your poor DS being picked on by another child and wanted you to see that your child isn't a meek little mouse being picked on by another child and that he, himself, is quite capable of being a PITA!

alemci Thu 21-Jul-11 10:26:32

I think you do need to get it sorted out. Granted your son shouldn't do the things he does but this boy appears to be very aggressive. Is he hurting any of the other children in class or is it just your son. I would tell your son to try to stay away from him and you could try speaking to the teacher again

this happened when my ds was in primary in the juniors. A new boy came and it caused problems in the class. Some of my son's friends left. This boy was violent but fortunately he left my son alone as he tended to keep his head down and he can hold his own.

swallowedAfly Thu 21-Jul-11 10:27:12

Message withdrawn

GeekCool Thu 21-Jul-11 10:27:17

Bizkit no one has said it is acceptable to be hit.
The girlfriend stuff, may actually be upsetting the other boy, it could be embarrassing him and if said loudly and to a wider audience could result in him being picked on by others.
All I'm suggesting is a quiet word with your ds about how words can affect others.

nojustificationneeded Thu 21-Jul-11 10:34:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itisnearlysummer Thu 21-Jul-11 10:40:58

Exactly, nojustificationneeded.

Bizkit Thu 21-Jul-11 10:50:12

Yes this is happening to other children in the class, I only knew he had been put on report a 2nd time because another parent told me, and she was really quite angry and said then she was going to the parent body?

He has been punched in the belly- for no reason, just done it as he was walking past my son.
He has been hit round the face before because the computer they were sharing froze

Its not always because of sillyness.
He doesnt go round constantly winding him up, this boy comes up to him, he flicks pencils at him in class, one of which nearly hit him in the eye.

My son has been strangled by this boy, he could really hurt my son, he's one of the smallest in the class

I dont believe this child has any disabilites as Ive had a few meetings about these incidents and its never been mentioned. Whether they would mention it to me I dont know but when they have put a boy on report based on my letter of compliant I would of thought they might have.

My son didnt kick mud at this boy in particular btw, he never said anything to him yesterday, he does not play with the boy anymore

TheLadyEvenstar Thu 21-Jul-11 10:51:03


You have just described what has happened to my DS all through his school life, only he never hit out physically, it was always verbally. Not swearing but names etc.

Its not always as clear cut as others think.

ATM DS is excluded from school until September for insulting a child. The other 2 children involved in the insults were not excluded. This has once again shown DS that its ok for others and not him - he too has Aspergers.

Peachy Thu 21-Jul-11 10:55:08

Yep my ds is another who has AS and responds to comments like dumbo and mud kicking with aggression.

We are taking responsibility; he goes to an AS Base in September but it has taken eyars nothing moves quickly in education.

they would not tell you no. They are not allowed, as it's not a school response but a personal medical condition.

Peachy Thu 21-Jul-11 10:58:27

It might help if you said what you would like school to do?

Becuase clearly there needs to be some response: aggression management, time out, report- however your school works.

OTOH if child is being assessed or whatever (they might be they may well be not, kids with AS are often not picked up at this age equally there are also 'just naughty' (often with emotional issues, home ones etc) children in every school it is being dealt with, and if youa re looking for a more severe punishment (eg exclusion) then given your child's part I would say YANBU.

thederkinsdame Thu 21-Jul-11 10:58:36

Bizkit, they don't have to tell you about the SN, in the same way you wouldn't expect your DS's medical conditions to be public knowledge. I would say, after what you've said above that it sounds very likely that this boy has ASD, as hitting out like this in frustration is very common (doesn't make it OK, I'm just saying that it would explain these explosions of temper). The computer incident sounds classic - I have a DS with ASD and this is what he would have done before he learned to control it. The child may not even have been diagnosed yet, hence the teachers not saying anything either.

I would speak to the teacher about what can be done, but you need to acknowledge to him/her that your DS has been spoken to about the name-calling etc so that they can see that you are on-side and aware that your DS is only human, too. Then I would ask if you can work together to move things forward to tackle the bahaviour and protect your child.

TheLadyEvenstar Thu 21-Jul-11 11:01:27

I agree with the fact he may not have been diagnosed it took 8 years for dr's to finally listen to me and DS1 now a week away from 13 was finally diagnosed in Feb this year.

Bizkit Thu 21-Jul-11 11:11:43

I just dont think the school do enough in regards to bullying, my DS has had years of being pushed, kicked etc. At one point in yr 2 he had a group of kids taking his hat and throwing it about, and kicking him and pulling his trousers down, this had been going on for a while until the teacher finally cottoned on and had a word with all the kids and brought their parents in. We have a few incidents here and there of pushing, kicking, but this one just seems a bit more serious.
The last time he was hit found the face I asked him what the teacher said and he told me she just told the other child 'not to to do that', which imo isnt enough.
Their bullying motto is 'talk to each other' let the kids sort it between themselves, which obv isnt working.
The whole of his year group had been in trouble for alot of bad behaviour that has been going on this year

thederkinsdame Thu 21-Jul-11 11:11:54

When DS was at nursery, he was targeting one boy, repeatedly hitting him for no apparent reason. His mum was a superstar. She invited him over for lunch several times and the boys played together. It was a really hard thing for her to do, but it paid off as the hitting stopped. I have never forgotten that act of kindness as she could have been up at the nursery creating merry hell, and believe me I felt awful about it, but we fixed it out ourselves, thanks to her generosity towards DS.

It may not be appropriate in this case, but just giving you an example of how taking a different tack worked for us (with me being on the other 'side' of things so to speak)

nojustificationneeded Thu 21-Jul-11 11:12:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thederkinsdame Thu 21-Jul-11 11:17:29

Agree NJN. I don't let DS get away with anything, as he has to learn the appropriate way to behave, but I'm always gobsmacked at the number of parents who will happily stand back and watch their kid be a really little sh1t to my son (hitting him, name calling etc) then start tutting when he shouts back. hmm

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