to feel a bit annoyed about this party arrangement?

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Ok, I haven't said anything either way about this one yet, because I can't decide whether my initial reaction is UR or not, so please be kind but honest.
My DD is having a birthday party this weekend. She wanted to invite a few girls from school and that's all, so I have spent hours planning a really good party, of which DD approves wholeheartedly. There are a lot of craft activities, plus an outside trip somewhere in the local woods to collect natural craft materials etc for the tasks. I've also planned a task in the woods. I've a rainy day itinerary planned that includes going to a playplace part way through if the outside activities can't go ahead. In short, it's going to be quite tightly planned and the activities quite structured.
Anyway, my DD only wanted school friends. However, she is good friends with another girl who has recently been adopted by my cousin. She has known this girl all her life as her mother and I were close friends and it was me who introduced her mother to my cousin. My DD and this little girl fall out alot and have a rather possessive friendship, a bit like sisters.
My Dh and I'd initially decided to stick to just school friends for DD to avoid any awkwardness on the day between children not knowing other children etc. I thought I'd take my friend's DD out for the day with us instead so they could have 1:1 time.
Anyway, I was telling my friend/cousin's wife this and she indicated that my DD would be invited to her DD's party in a few weeks, so I felt obliged to invite her DD to my DD's bash. (Keep up! Ha ha). She said they were totally free the day we were planning to have the party.
Fastforward a week and I hand her the invite for that day. Suddenly, she needs to pick up her DD an hour before the party ends because they have an arrangement that was made months ago that it would be "rude" to be late for. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but I've got a really structured event planned and have spent a lot of money and time on activities for the kids. Plus, if it rains I'll have to swap to my rainy day plan and I don't want to have to be worrying about phoning her and letting her know that we've decamped to Macdonalds or that we haven't got back from the woods yet etc etc. I want to focus on the stuff I have planned. I just know my friend'll turn up in the middle of some activity that I'm running and need me to get all her DD's stuff together, find the partybag, her cardy, her shoes etc and meanwhile leave the kids hanging as to what they're doing. I just feel that to leave a party an hour before the end when the host has gone to a lot of trouble with crafts and timings etc is just not on. My friend always puts the entire world and its wife before any arrangements she makes with me anyway and thinks nothing of cancelling us when she's double booked herself. I think this is the rub - that we're always fitting in with her and that we're frequently being let down by her because she's said she'll be elsewhere at a time she said she'd meet us. I know she's scatty, but still - why are we always the last priority for her? AIBU to suggest that she doesn't bring her DD if she's going to leave in the middle of a party? It's cost me over a hundred quid this thing and I'm darned if I'm going to have the flow of it screwed up looking for shoes, cardies and stuff...I think I'm also a bit hurt because of the way my friend treats me though, so I may be BU. What do you think?

[lachesis]

there are not enough paragraph breaks in this for me to follow it fully, sorry.

i just got about 1/3 the way down it all started to muddle.

bumping for someone else with more patience.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Can I just say, that had she indicated her prior committments a week ago, I'd have been happy to change the time of my DD's party so that her DD could come to the whole thing. It was too late once the other invites had gone out though.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Errr thanks...lachesis (I think!) I did make paragraph breaks when I wrote it, but they don't seem to have appeared here.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

BTW - as you are calling yourself "lachesis", you should have a capital letter at the front of your name - Lachesis - it's a proper noun when used that way ;-)

[lachesis]

btw, i chose how it's spelled deliberately.

and can't really be arsed to read the OP still because there aren't enough breaks in it.

on you go.

night night.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

So justify your lower case then.Looking like an ignorance of proper nouns to me... [hummm] If not, stop patronising and engage with the post or night night to you.

[MumblingRagDoll]

I think YABU. You were unreasonable not to invite this little girl in the first place by the sound of it...and if sshe has to go early just tell her Mum that she should text when she's on the way to pck her DD up nd you will tell her where you all are.

It's her who should call...why do you think you will have to keep updating her? It only takes one call. Tell her to come with no bag or other things so theres nothing to lose...or just carry them for her.

YABU basically.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Thanks Mumbling. I wasn't planning on inviting her because I was going to take her and my DD out for the day instead. She is the only one who doesn't go to their school and I didn't want to invite her and have her be left out on the day. Plus my DD and her are quite exclusive when they're together and don't like each other playing with other girls. One activity we're doing is fairy cake icing and if we decamp to Mackers, then I'll have to take a wet fairy cake with me and her party bag and clothes etc. I just wish for once, we could feature as a priority with my friend. We always get bumped for everyone else, as I said.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

(lachesis - there are plenty of paragraph breaks in this btw, Did you even attempt to read?)

[MumblingRagDoll]

But how old are they? Quite young by the sound of it....I have always found that they get on ok when the party is small even if some don't know one another....just bring a small box for the cake...and stick the party bag and jacket in a carrier bag...it's not that hard. It sounds like you're trying to thnk of a way out....but you can't now. Not now she's been invited...

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Mumbling - I did invite the little girl at the same time as I invited the others. I was just considering not inviting her and taking her out instead on account of her not knowing anyone else. Please, if you're going to judge and respond, then read what has been said.

[Morloth]

So a kid needs to leave a party a bit early?

Really not seeing the issue, just let you cousin know the rainy day plans and give her your mobile so when she needs to pick her DD up she can give you a buzz and find out where you are.

If you didn't want to invite her you shouldn't have, but now you have you need to suck it up and stop worrying about something so unimportant.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

It wouldn't be at all UR for you to say that as the event is a tightly structured series of activities that, depending on weather, could be something of a moveable feast, it may be difficult for you to notify your cousin of the whereabouts of her dd at the required time.

Mention poor mobile reception, your unreliable mobile battery, blah, blah and, that as her dd may miss out on an activity (or completing an activity) that she may particularly want to do, you intend to organise a very special event just for your dd and her dd sometime in the school holidays to make up for the fact that it isn't practical for her dd to attend this one.

I suggest you also say that it's probably for the best that your cousin can't do a pick-up at the end of the event as it could be that her dd may feel a bit out place given that she doesn't know your dd's schoolfriends and, as she's so considerate (lay the flattery on with a trowel) and may be a tad reluctant to participate fully a) with children she doesn't know and b) be fearful of monopolising your dd's attention.

All of the above must be said in a cheerful, straightforward manner, as if it is a done deal and with much emphasis being placed on how nice it will be for your two dds to do something unique together to celebrate both of their birthdays (perhaps you could replicate some of the craft activities?), and how this will give them both something to look forward to after your cousin's dd's party.

If all goes to plan there'll be no cause for your cousin to take offence, but do be prepared for her to discover that she can do a later pick-up after all some people are full of entitlement and, given half a chance, they'll always try to ride roughshod over others' plans.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

I am! You're right! Because I think it's bad form to leave a party half way through when someone's spent so long planning/so much money executing it. It's pissed me right off because of my history with my friend for whom we are always being bumped because she constantly double books herself. I want my DD to come first for a change - so shoot me!

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

'trowel) and may' - 'and' should be 'she', sorry.

[Morloth]

So you shouldn't have invited her. But you have and it is a bit weird to be getting this stressed out about a kid leaving a party early.

Chill out, it is a kid's party, really not worth getting so stressed about.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

I won't shoot you - I feel for you, and I'm trying to give you some ammo to fire at your cousin.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Morloth - half way thru. Not a bit early. I'm not confident about how it's going to go. DD's friends are not always the best behaved. I was hoping for a tight structure to hold their attention and keep them from deciding to go off and do their own thing (last time it was nail polish all over DD's new carpet). I don't want to have to be worrying about texting friends/family who suddenly have other plans to attend to.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Izzy- thanks. I didn't mean you when I said so shoot me . Thanks for being so supportive. Your ideas are noted.

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

OK. Precis:

OP has planned a very structured day of fun activities (both at home and away from home) for her DD's birthday.

OP invited school friends only to the party day as her DD and girl X (who has recently been adopted by the OP's cousin) can get jealous in larger groups. She was going to have X round on a different day to celebrate.

When OP mentioned this to her cousin, the cousin said that she would be inviting the OP's DD to X's upcoming party, so the OP decided she kind of had to invite X.

Cousin said she was free all party day. Week later the cousin says she has to pick up her DD an hour early on the day because of a prior arrangement she doesn't want to be late for. As this party day involves activities away from the house and alternate plans in case of bad weather, this would be really disruptive.

Cousin is often letting the OP down. OP feels disruption would ruin her plans and she's spent time and money on them.
'thinks nothing of cancelling us when she's double booked herself. I think this is the rub - that we're always fitting in with her and that we're frequently being let down by her because she's said she'll be elsewhere at a time she said she'd meet u'

Would the OP be unreasonable to say to cousin to forget the party day, and just do the seperate day for her DD and X she was going to originally?

[EvenLessNarkyPuffin]

And YANBU.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Morloth - I think the real issue is how my friend treats me. The party is a symptom of that. There is a lot I've not revealed here. I was hoping to focus on the party and my reaction, but it's already clear I can't do this in isolation. Thanks for flagging that up.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Come on, Morloth, cut the op some slack.

It would not BU to leave an event early because of an urgent/unexpected occurence, but it's bad form to accept an invitation to a tightly planned event that consists of a series of activities and cause disruption to the hostess/other guests by leaving early.

Frankly, the op's cousin sounds like a fucking unreasonable drama queen hard work.

[differentnameforthis]

Thruaglassdarkly

Why are you so worried about a nickname? And why be so rude to lachesis? It is quite common on here to have a post like yours criticised, because they are very hard to read like that!

Also couldn't read your op. Got v confusing. But if your dd doesn't want to invite some kid, she doesn't have to.

YABU to have a go at posters on this thread because of their name.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Thanks Puffin - you said it so succinctly. I've had a bit of wine, so I rambled... What Puffin said folks! Please respond to that!