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not love my partner after having his baby?

(11 Posts)
jbrightwellx Wed 20-Jul-11 20:13:28

my son is 9 months old now, i have been told i have PND 3 months ago as i wouldnt go to the doctors before this because i didnt think anything was wrong untill i couldnt even leave the house.my dad passed away on my babys due date which messed me up alot, and my partner was always out with his friends getting drunk, going home at all hours the next morn, (he still lives with his mum as we haven't got out own place) i split up with him when my son was 3 months old because i just didnt feel like i needed him anymore i started to hate him and didnt want him even looking at me let alone touch me!. we got back together 4 months after this split, and we have been arguing about the living situation, he wants me to move into his house to stay with him (and his mum and sister!). he cant move in mine as i share a room, i dont get along with his mum shes very rude and ignorant!. so he came up with the brilliant idea to move out of london, which will mean i have to leave my job, friends and family, he thinks im being very unreasonable not agreeing to this, i love having my family and friends around and i love goin to work for the few hours that i do a week, i would be stuck on my own all day every day till he came home from work if i moved away with him, (we cant rent where i live because its too expensive so im waiting for a place on housing association). i dont even want to sleep with him, i dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever. i dont know if its because of these anti-depressants im on or what, i dont care much about anything anymore, i prefer beign like this though as i dont get in such states like before the tablets started working, hes soooo controlling and possesive and wants me to 'need' him and rely on him for everything but hes not one bit relyable! argghh he pisses me off! rant over!

AgentZigzag Wed 20-Jul-11 20:21:06

No wonder you're all over the place with the shit you've had thrown at you!

I wouldn't take any life changing decisions right now if I were you, see if things settle down over the next few months.

If you think he's possesive and controlling, moving in with him and his family isn't going to help you feel any better.

And you rant away on here as much as you want smile

DaisyHayes Wed 20-Jul-11 20:22:45

jbrightwellx - I've just put some paragraphs into your post to make it easier to read. I think you'll get more responses that way.

My son is 9 months old now. I have been told i have PND 3 months ago as i wouldnt go to the doctors before this because i didnt think anything was wrong untill i couldnt even leave the house.

My dad passed away on my babys due date which messed me up alot, and my partner was always out with his friends getting drunk, going home at all hours the next morn, (he still lives with his mum as we haven't got out own place).

i split up with him when my son was 3 months old because i just didnt feel like i needed him anymore. I started to hate him and didnt want him even looking at me let alone touch me!

We got back together 4 months after this split, and we have been arguing about the living situation. he wants me to move into his house to stay with him (and his mum and sister!). he cant move in mine as i share a room, i dont get along with his mum shes very rude and ignorant!.

So he came up with the brilliant idea to move out of london, which will mean i have to leave my job, friends and family, he thinks im being very unreasonable not agreeing to this.

i love having my family and friends around and i love goin to work for the few hours that i do a week. i would be stuck on my own all day every day till he came home from work if i moved away with him, (we cant rent where i live because its too expensive so im waiting for a place on housing association).

i dont even want to sleep with him, i dont think i have any feelings for him what so ever. i dont know if its because of these anti-depressants im on or what. i dont care much about anything anymore. i prefer beign like this though as i dont get in such states like before the tablets started working. hes soooo controlling and possesive and wants me to 'need' him and rely on him for everything but hes not one bit relyable! argghh he pisses me off!

rant over!

PhilipJFry Wed 20-Jul-11 20:22:58

If you're dealing with post-natal depression and your support system is here then I don't think being pressured to move out of London is a good idea. Moving is stressful enough at the best of times, let alone when you have pnd and a new baby. If you want to stay where you are then you stay put- you've got your loved ones and your job here and they're important to you. You don't sound like you want to move so don't feel like you have to go just to satisfy him.

You sound like you're worried about whether the drugs you're taking are effecting your perception of your partner, but if you can categorically say that he's unreliable and controlling then I'd say listen to your feelings.

DaisyHayes Wed 20-Jul-11 20:25:21

Have you spoken to your friends and family about how you're feeling? What do they say?

I have to say that taking any big decisions right now is probably not what you need. How long have you been on the ADs?

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time, I really am. Talk to us. We're listening.

jbrightwellx Wed 20-Jul-11 20:34:07

Thanks for replying, I am deffinatley going to listen to my gutt feeling and not move away, but yh i am also worrying that maybe i only feeli like this because of the tablets, and once i come off them i might feel differently. by then it might be too late to go back, im just soo confused to what to do!.

I dont know whether to split up with him and stick to it, or to try and stay at his house a bit more, and see how we go, but i dont even fancy him, thats not a good sign?.
Also i hate being around him when were not on good terms as he has a bad temper i know he would never ever do anything to my son but i dont even like the arguing around him.
has anyone else gone off their partner after having a baby??? and why?
ive been on the tablets for 3 months roughly.

DaisyHayes Wed 20-Jul-11 20:43:21

How long have you and your partner been together jbright?

I'm asking because having a new baby is a monumentally difficult time, and it really taxes the parents' relationship (no sleep, money worries, huge responsibilities, lack of social life etc).

If you've been together a while you have that history and knowledge of one another to fall back on to help you support one another and come out the other side.

If it is a relatively new relationship, it can feel as if you're stuck in a shitstorm with someone you don't necessarily know all that well and it is easy to resent them and be angry with them - it's hard to work together if you've not figured out how to do so before you had such a stressful situation to contend with.

AgentZigzag Wed 20-Jul-11 20:43:40

I didn't go off my DH after having either of my DDs, but I did feel absolutely emotionally exhausted for months after having DD2 18 months ago.

It was like I just didn't have anything left for anyone else because I put all of myself into looking after the baby.

I'm really just coming out of the bubble now, that's not to say you'll take that long, but your hormones are all over the place.

But then saying that, the way you've described him, he doesn't sound a very nice man sad

DaisyHayes Wed 20-Jul-11 20:50:57

Ok. Don't move. The new town will still be there in a years time, you can move then if you're feeling happier and positive about the decision. Doing it now is pure madness.

And, if I'm honest, so is moving in with your partner right now. You're already arguing and under pressure. Why test that further when you're already at a low ebb and you have your son to think about too - he doesn't need to be around parents who can't currently stand each other.

Go to the GP. Explain that you feel better PND wise, but that you are unhappy with the side-effects. Tell her you feel numb and that you feel angry and disconnected with your partner emotionally and sexually. It may well be that this is common - three months isn't long, it might level out. Or else the GP may be able to offer you different meds.

BertieBotts Wed 20-Jul-11 22:34:48

If he has a bad temper then I'd be extremely wary. It sounds like you're not that into him, and I'm worried he sounds a bit controlling as well. Surely if he was really interested in you, he'd understand that your head is all over the place at the moment, and you need some time. It's only been two months since you got back together, and he wants to move in together? That is very early, I wonder if the fact you have history and a child together is clouding this for you, but the bottom line is you should never feel pushed into a big decision such as this.

I think you could do with some time on your own, or at least not seeing him constantly, to get your head together before making any big decisions. It sounds as though you live near to each other, so he can still see the baby. But I think you need to put aside the fact that you have a child together and let the relationship take its natural course, even if that does mean splitting up. Your DS will lose out far far more by living in a home with parents who have a dysfunctional relationship (even if you think you can hide it) than by growing up with his parents living apart. And without wanting to be blunt, he doesn't have a concept of you living together at the moment, so even if you did split up, nothing changes for him. It's nowhere near as big a deal for him as it would be if he was 2, 5, 8, or older and you split up when you had been living together all that time. I think consistency for him is really important, so keeping things as they are now until you're sure you want to move in with someone is the best plan.

skybluepearl Wed 20-Jul-11 22:40:49

what would make you happy? continuing your job and staying away from MIL. anything else? you need to do everything you can to promote your own mental health.

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