Not to take DD to this party?

[muminthecity]

DD is 5 and has just finished reception. She has been invited to the birthday party of a little girl in her class. This little girl has never been very nice to DD, though DD is desperate for her to like her and would do anything to please her. In the last few weeks there have been several incidents of this girl calling DD names and refusing to let her join in any games. It's all quite innocent "You're not my friend, you're not allowed in our 'club'" type thing, so not really bullying but still very hurtful for DD. On another occasion the girl went one step further and kicked DD, leaving a mark. I was happy with the way the school dealt with it, so felt no need to speak to the girl's mother or anything.

Despite all of this, the little girl is very popular with the other girls and DD is desperate to be in her little gang, and to be accepted and liked by her.

A few days ago I received a text message from this girl's mother inviting DD to her birthday party. I told her we might be busy that day and said I'd get back to her. DD knows nothing about the party, and with it being the school holidays now, she is unlikely to find out. If she did know about it, she would definitely want to go.

I don't want her to go, mainly because I'm worried she'll be left out and will get upset. So, would I be unreasonable to say we can't go as we're busy, and to not mention it to DD? Or am I completely wrong, and the party would be good for DD, make her feel accepted etc?

[dexter73]

It could go either way. Go with your own feelings.

[AgentZigzag]

I know you're trying to protect your DD, but I think you'll do more harm than good by not letting her go.

Unfortunately your DD will be left out and get upset by all sorts of stuff as she goes through school, it's really horrible to have to watch, but that's mostly what you have to do unless it's something getting out of hand.

Hopefully your fears will be unfounded and they'll all have a whale of a time

[MsPlaced]

They are , its what they do, and I can't see how it will help your child make friends by stopping her going to birthday parties.

[MsPlaced]

*They are 5, its what they do.

[Awomancalledhorse]

Go with your DD & stay at the party.
If the little girl acts like a bully at the party, at least you can bring it up with the mother (and possible other parents, if there are more in her 'gang') with 'proof' that her daughter is a bully & you could try to work out a solution, or you could always try and arrange a playdate with this girl at yours/out at the park with you?

[muminthecity]

I guess IABabitU then, though in my defense, DD does have lots of friends, is generally very happy and sociable, it's just this one little girl she's had problems with. I probably will resentfully take her to the party.

[AgentZigzag]

If it's just this girl she has problems with, then that's the girl you need to be making the most effort with.

One of the biggest things I stress with my DD is how to get on with/think about the DC she doesn't get on with.

It's a good time to look at why the girl might be like that, and what kinds of ways your DD can be assertive rather than passive/aggressive.

Although at 5 it's going to be pretty limited, but no time like the present and all that.

[Oblomov]

Atleast tell about the party. Imagine if she found out that she had been invited and that you hadn't told her, thinking this was for the best. Even at 5 you would be gutted, and understandably cross with your mum. Tell her about it. Tell her why you were worried that she might get upset etc etc. Then you can atleast talk about it. I bet she will want to go. And with you and other mums there watching, do you really think party girl is going to get away with anything nasty? Not a chance. under your watchful glance. so where's the risk?
You are trying to protect her. but possibly in the wrong way.
Over the summer you can talk to her about why she wants to be friends with this girl. I have had some success explaining this to ds1, about a boy he really likes. but he is 7, year 2, not 5, reception. big difference.
Go and enjoy. she will love it.
the fact she comes to the party, could make bonding with all the girls a whole lot better.