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OH moans about money but won't let me get a job

(97 Posts)
Needajobnow Wed 20-Jul-11 17:16:29

OH works mon-fri in the city.Stressful job-doesn't really like it.
I have 2 lo's age 1 and 3.SAHM as can't afford to go back to work.
OH teaches rugby for free on sundays.The dc he teaches are from a nearby private school.The parents are lovely and very wealthy.They say OH is mad for not charging them.He says he's 'giving something back' and wants to be seen as the good guy.
He moans when I spend any money.I thought I would try and find a p/t job.
My area is cosmetics/makeup etc.Spent last 2 months applying and having interviews etc.
In talks of a job but in this field they don't do just saturdays.I've been offered Sat/Sun job.
He just shouted at me(on phone)'So you want me to resign from my rugby'??
He's livid.He thinks I'm plotting against him because he thinks I don't want him to have his precious rugby in his life.
I don't have any family nearby so no support network and noone to look after dc.
I don't mind not getting a job but every single day he moans about money.
He doesn't want me to buy anything.I have never been away from my DC since I've had them.Never even met someone for a coffee.
I don't drive so at the wk/end he'll go to buy food for eg and stop for ages for drinks.I'm always always with dc.
He screamed at me the other day because I said I was going to get my hair done.'I'm not spending money on your poxy hair'.
If I worked then I could spend what I like when I like(to an extent).
He made us miss an important family occassion(my side)because of him teaching rugby.
I asked him to meet me in the middle and he's being angry and nasty.
I'm with dc all day.Nobody to ever help.I find them so so difficult.He comes home and says 'what have you been doing all day'?Impossible to keep this place tidy as my 1yr old is into everything and 3yr old so destructive.
WWYD?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Jul-11 17:18:40

Get a job. Learn to drive. Put your own money (and the CB and the CTC) in an account. Then make plans to leave this Victorian bullyboy... fast.

TattyDevine Wed 20-Jul-11 17:21:46

Christ. This sounds very much like "financial abuse" to me. Sorry.

You need some proper advice.

TattyDevine Wed 20-Jul-11 17:22:29

Just to say this is in no way healthy and YANBU. You need some proper advice of how to deal with this.

He sounds like a control freak to be honest! Sorry!!

How come you havent even met someone for coffee?? Do you have friends in the area? I think esp if you are a SAHM you need to get a life outside the house otherwise you will go bonkers!!

Online shop....doesnt give him the excuse to bugger off for hours then.

I wouldnt get a weekend job TBH, well not unless you actively want to avoid spending time with DH.

He does sound like a nasty piece of work though OP - are you happy with him?

Knackeredmother Wed 20-Jul-11 17:22:34

Am aghast but just worked a 16 hour night shift so too tired to say anything more than I'm shocked and dad for you.
Lots of nice people will be along soon to support you

Journey Wed 20-Jul-11 17:24:43

Agree with CogitoErgoSometimes. I also find the fact that he wants to be seen to be a nice guy to the outside world (with his rugby) but is so controlling and nasty to his own family quite disturbing.

angrywoman Wed 20-Jul-11 17:24:55

Controlling partner alert!

newgirl Wed 20-Jul-11 17:25:09

Yes online shop. Also keep looking for work in the week. And get some marriage counselling as it sounds like you both need some new perspective

LDNmummy Wed 20-Jul-11 17:25:22

He is controlling, I would talk to him about his behaviour and if all else fails, LEAVE.

Imnotaslimjim Wed 20-Jul-11 17:25:43

I'm not usually one to give an opinion on "relationship" threads but I totally agree with Cogito. He shouts at you for wanting to buy stuff? That is so, so wrong.

Unless he is earning a fortune, you must be getting CTC and CB - is that paid to you or him? If its paid to him, get that changed!! Its to be paid to the parent with the most care, thats the whole point of it!

Pixieonabroomstick Wed 20-Jul-11 17:25:45

He sounds awful. Does he have any goodpoints ?
Or is he this controlling about everything ? Why do you have no support network ? No friends nearby or anything like that ?

DogsBestFriend Wed 20-Jul-11 17:26:09

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read "my husband won't let me get a job"! Won't let you? [shick] angry What are you - his 12 year old daughter?

The man's an utter prick.

What Cogito said. Without hesitation. Accept the post, say nothing/say you've been accepted for a Saturday job. Then get up on Sunday morning, get dressed and get out of the door leaving him with the DC. If he wants to do his bloody rugby he can take his children with him.

I hope they're as grateful as the public school parents when they're consigned to the shitty local state school because their father put rugby ahead of his family.

To be honest I wouldn't wait to find out. I'd change the fucking locks and tell him that if I am going to act the part of lone parent I might as well be one - at least there's no spouse to criticise then.

Pixieonabroomstick Wed 20-Jul-11 17:27:04

Also. You do know this isnt normal behaviour dont you ? Other DH's and DP's dont behave like that.

NotADudeExactly Wed 20-Jul-11 17:27:22

Who on earth does he think he is for his permission to be required in order for you to be able to get a job?!?

He sounds horrible and controlling, sorry OP.

Also, if he really wanted to give something back he would be working with kids whose parents cannot actually pay. Gi ing for free to the wealthy sounds more like yet another way to make him feel good about himself. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

When you say that you can't afford childcare, do you mean that you as a couple can't afford it - or that you can't afford it on your wage alone?

He sounds like a total arsehole, and very very controlling.

LDNmummy Wed 20-Jul-11 17:30:36

Does he wish he was one of these wealthy parents himself and find this a good way to immerse himself in their crowd and good graces? A sort of fantasy thing where he can pretend he is one of them?

It is very odd, sorry OP, I would go crazy in your shoe's.

Needajobnow Wed 20-Jul-11 17:31:09

Thankyou everyone!He is a control freak but when we get on we get on really well.He can be very patronising.
He told me if I had to work sundays he would take our ds's with him to rugby.(Although that would never work)now he's accusing me of messing up his one and only passion.He believes the kids he's teaching are the future of the rugby clubs to come.He doesn't want to give up on them.
I asked if he could ask his sister to have them say once a month and then we'll look into childminders(if you can get childminders on a sunday!).
I'm learning to drive btw!

RitaMorgan Wed 20-Jul-11 17:31:31

It is NOT normal for a partner to treat you like this - he sounds controlling and horrible.

You need your own money, and time to yourself.

If you are both working, can you afford childcare between you?

NotADudeExactly Wed 20-Jul-11 17:31:36

That's pretty much what I was thinking too, LDNmummy.

RitaMorgan Wed 20-Jul-11 17:32:56

Fine, let him take the children to rugby with him - let him organise childcare at the weekend if he won't look after them himself. Take that job.

Pixieonabroomstick Wed 20-Jul-11 17:33:01

what about when you dont get on well ?
What are your passions ? Do you get to go and see friends ? Or have a lie in on the weekend ?

noddyholder Wed 20-Jul-11 17:34:25

What do you mean 'won't let' He is your dh not your dad when you were 5

LDNmummy Wed 20-Jul-11 17:34:31

"He believes the kids he's teaching are the future of the rugby clubs to come.He doesn't want to give up on them."

Umm... with all due respect OP, he sounds like a delusional nutter.

What about the future of your family and your children?

NotADudeExactly Wed 20-Jul-11 17:35:03

Oh, so the future of amateur Rugby (how many really wealthy kids go on to become sports professionals?) is more important than for his wife to be happy and the family finances?

charming!

OP, please put your foot down or get out. Your husband is taking the piss, big time!

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