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to be upset?

(15 Posts)
cantreachmytoes Wed 20-Jul-11 13:25:42

This is a little long, but needed to give some background...

My best friend (for over 10 years) gave birth about two months ago. She told me beforehand that she thought she'd "disappear" for a while afterwards to have bonding time etc, so I have been in touch, but not pushed getting a response from her. I thought she was meaning about 2 weeks. In the past 2 months, she's been in touch three or four times, all of which were responses to me - which was fine, because she's having time to get used to being a mum (for context, before the delivery, we were in touch almost daily, but I obviously didn't expect that to continue like that once she had a baby!). Then I started to get worried that perhaps she had PND, so I emailed about four days ago (we live really far apart) to, gently, ask how things are going and haven't had a response. I didn't want to intrude with phone calls etc if she's not up to it, hence the email.

Just after I emailed, I saw a pic of her online with some friends and their babies enjoying a picnic. Then today, more photos of her with different friends (and their babies) - none of whom live close by, so it was definitely something organised and not a spur of the moment thing.

I also know she's been online quite a lot, because we use the same email provider and she hasn't 'hidden' her status, so it shows when she's actively online - if she's just left the page open and goes away, it shows that (I'm not stalking, it's automatic and I'm online quite a lot!).

Part of the reason I'm quite upset about this is because I'm in my last trimester and since i told her I was pregnant, my pregnancy has been looked down upon much in the way of a younger sister who is a bit annoying and sees starting high school as a big deal, when she's a 'mature' 16 year old about to sit GCSEs. That's a generalisation, because I don't want to list specific incidents, but I've essentially swallowed being patronised for most of my pregnancy, as she's someone I consider a close friend and thought that this was how she was dealing with her pregnancy - i.e. they were her issues and they'd be resolved once she gave birth.

Neither of the photographed events were things I'd expect to be invited to, so not feeling 'left out' - in fact, I was really HAPPY to see her looking happy and being around other friends.

I wanted to arrange to go and visit soon, but she kind of put me off with an excuse that didn't really make sense, so I'm supposed to be going after I give birth..probably, but she didn't want to commit.

AIBU to feel like if she had time to be around all those people, post photos of those times online, then it's not too much to ask to drop a simple email, even just to say hi and perhaps even to ask how things are going with me?

AIBU to think I've been 'dumped'? sad or 'relegated'? confused

Or is it just my pregnancy hormones making me unreasonable?

I dont think you have been dumped or relegated, she is just enjoying her new baby with people in the same situation.

I have a very close friend who has no kids, I have a DS of 8. Of course, our relationship has changed since I had DS but we do still see her, just not as much.

She is just very taken with babyland at the moment, she will come back down to earth I am sure and esp when you have your baby too

RabbitTeeth Wed 20-Jul-11 13:32:33

I would leave her be, and wai t until she contacts you next time.

paddypoopants Wed 20-Jul-11 13:34:47

YANBU- you have taken an interest in her pregnancy and baby but she hasn't bothered with you and your pregnancy. I would back off until she notices that you haven't been in touch. Hopefully you will meet some nice new mums when your baby is here.

TheRhubarb Wed 20-Jul-11 13:36:41

I dunno, once you have a baby you start to hang around with other mums with babies and it's really hard not to tell someone who's pregnant what to expect, which can come across as patronising.

She's discovered this whole new life as a mum and is finding her other mum friends to be far more relevant now. They can compare stages and give each other support over sleepless nights etc.

However in your case she seems to have gone one step further in putting off your visit and not even asking about your pregnancy. Most new mums would love to show off their babies to their friends. Perhaps she's decided that she's "outgrown" you?

I would say that it's time to move on. Join an NCT ante-natal class and make friends of your own. Perhaps she felt that you were being a big clingy in getting in touch everyday? Whatever the reason, forget about her now and concentrate on finding new friends who can share your pregnancy experience. Post pics of YOU having fun and when the new baby arrives she may get back in touch or she may not. But with your new friends and babies all about the same age, you probably won't even notice.

People change I'm afraid and situations move on. Accept that she's moved to a new phase and leave the ball in her court. Enjoy your pregnancy!

cantreachmytoes Wed 20-Jul-11 13:45:11

@Rhubarb0 - I do have other friends - with babies, without babies, pregnant, adopting! The status of my uterus, or those of the people I meet, isn't a determinate of who is or isn't a friend for me!

On the 'clingy' thing, she was working from home too, so the being in touch most days was from both sides.

befuzzled Wed 20-Jul-11 13:52:03

I think you're being a bit unfair. The first 6-8 weeks with a new baby is very intense and most of it is a blur. There is virtually no time left after looking after the baby and trying to get some sleep. It is quite normal to prioritise nct meetups and meeting with other people with babies of a similar age as this can be enormously reassuring. I think you should maybe wait a couple of months until you have been in the same position and then it will probably be easier when you both have your babies and have got over the first couple of months - which are really full on.

brass Wed 20-Jul-11 13:58:13

it sounds like she's not into the friendship as much as you are.

you may be pushing for something that (in her eyes) just doesn't exist.

Purplegirlie Wed 20-Jul-11 13:59:59

YANBU, I would be upset too.

I think I would do as others have suggested and not contact her until she contacts you.

TheRhubarb Wed 20-Jul-11 14:10:25

cantreachmytoes, whilst you may be happy to have lots of friends either with or without children, that may change once you have kids. You find that you can talk or think of nothing else. That little bundle absolutely takes over your entire being and you honestly can't help or don't notice that 99% of your conversation is about how tired you are, how many times they woke up, how much milk they are drinking, what the HV said, the dimple on her cheek, changes in their hair colour etc etc etc.

She is obviously wrapped up in her baby and is choosing to spend time with other mums who have babies of similar ages so they can all talk babies. Once you have yours she might get back in touch.

For now I would forget about it. Drop her a line telling her when yours is due and say that she is welcome to visit whenever she likes but you won't be calling round to hers whilst your baby is so young. Wish her the best and leave it at that.

You may have to accept that this friendship has run its course and concentrate on the other friends you do have.

YouDoTheMath Wed 20-Jul-11 14:11:02

Your friendship sounds a bit one-sided to me.

Maybe she's a bit jealous that you got pregnant soon after her, in that she perhaps felt you were stealing her "moment" by being pregnant not only at the same time, but after, so the excitement of your baby is yet to come. I'm not saying that's justified, but it may be true.

Leave her until she contacts you. If she doesn't, you'll know she's not the close friend you thought she was.

cantreachmytoes Wed 20-Jul-11 16:38:37

Thanks everybody. I've been so upset by this - and driving my husband mad by being upset by it (he's a bit more 'rational' than me ;) ).

@YouDoTheMath - you might have a point. I thought she'd be happy that I was pregnant and she was, but there has been this patronising side/negativity (not just telling me what to expect, that I'd understand, but telling me that symptoms I had were not happening because they didn't happen to her until a different month - not much you can really say to that!). We had always talked about how fun it would be to be pregnant at the same time, to have our children play together on holidays etc so this was a real shock for me.

@befuzzled - I see what you're saying. When it's 'my turn', I sincerely hope that I don't ignore people who are there for me just because they don't have a baby the same age! I understand the need to be around people who are going through the same thing, but fingers crossed I don't exclude friends who aren't in exactly the same month of pregnancy/baby life!

Anyway, a bit thank you to all. I had been wanting to not contact her again (unless in response), but was feeling guilty and torn because I also wanted to be there for her. Obviously, she doesn't need me (or particularly want me) to be there, so no need to feel guilty!

CupcakesandTwunting Wed 20-Jul-11 16:41:18

YANBU

Sack her off and get some nice friends of your own that you can share picnics with.

LineRunner Wed 20-Jul-11 17:17:22

I don't blame you if you feel disappointed and a bit pissed off. That's how I'd feel.

Agree with Cupcakes. Although the best picnics I ever had with my baby DD were the ones we went on, just her and me, the year she was born.

cantreachmytoes Thu 21-Jul-11 07:53:49

Perhaps I need to concentrate on befriending the sun and making it produce more picnic worthy days! ;)

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