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AIBU?

To not want to invite ourselves and the in laws to my dad's house next week?

21 replies

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 11:38

Back story: My parents split up when I was 4 and my dad moved away as my mum had an affair and it wrecked him. He always kept contact with my sister and me but we saw him about 4 times a year, so we don't have a "normal" father daughter bond. I still see him about that amount now, maybe less, but we speak on the phone 3 or 4 times a month.

Anyway, DH decided a few days ago that as he has some time off next week, and he has 11yo DSD, he would like to go up and visit my dad, and he would like to take his parents too. He has been pestering me for a few days to ring my dad and ask if we can all go up there. I feel really uncomfortable about it, as I know that if someone phoned me with a weeks notice saying that 6 people were coming to stay, I would find it a bit rude TBH.

My dad and his wife have met the IL's a few times, but my dad is 58 and they are 72 and 80 and they don't have that much in common. In addition to that, when my DH mentioned to my dad that he'd like his parents to come and visit, my dad pulled me to one side and said that if they were planning to go to make sure we gave them plenty of notice.

IL's are lovely lovely people, but just a bit dottery and irritating.

DH won't let it lie and keeps going on that it "won't hurt to ask".

AIBU to not want to?

OP posts:

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Annpan88 · 20/07/2011 11:44

All I can say is YANBU. But its a tricky situation

cjbartlett · 20/07/2011 11:49

I think it's wierd he wants to
We live three hours from my parents
And six hours from the inlaws
So our parents only met once before our wedding
And again at our wedding
That's it
I don't see the need for a relationship there as they never visit at the same time so they don't come at Xmas for example the same year
I'd hate to all stay together

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 11:56

Well I think it is weird too.

I think it's just that he wants a free holiday (my dad lives on farmland with lots of lovely walks and canals around),and knows his parents would love it.

His parents seemed a bit uncomfortable as well TBH - as he has already asked them!! They say they would happily stay in a B&B - but I know that my dad would feel mortified at the thought of them doing that.

I'm sure we'd all have a lovely time but I just think I need to let my dad dictate when this family function will take place, not my DH.

OP posts:

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 11:56

Also, DH just phoned and was going on about it again and I just said I'll let my dad decide and he has gone off in the huff!!!

Immature git!!

OP posts:

JanMorrow · 20/07/2011 12:01

Weird!! Personally, I wouldn't ask your Dad about next week or whenever it is, but I'd call him and say "when would be best for you for a visit?". I would never impose my inlaws (who are lovely) and a child on my parents without THEM issuing the invite spontaneously though. It's just basic manners isn't it? Especially if you're not super close to your dad.

Scholes34 · 20/07/2011 12:02

We have friends who live on a 10 acre plot, with horses and lots of lovely walks around them. We occasionally go to stay for a free holiday, but are conscious of this and arrive laden with many goodies, which they don't ask for, don't expect from us. They're really happy that we make the journey, but we know it's a lot to ask for them to cater for a family of five, so it makes us feel more relaxed.

I've had relatives stay with me in previous years who've expected to be waited on for the whole week, and it just builds up resentment.

If your DH does go, you should insist on they behave well, don't put demands on your father and his family, arrive laden with gifts and put their hands in their pockets at every opportunity.

reelingintheyears · 20/07/2011 12:04

Bit odd...OLs have never met my Mum.

But that's mainly because DP is estranged from them (with good reason).

We have met DSs girlfriends Mother three or four times socially but i wouldn't consider her a friend as such who i would go and stay with.

And i'm pretty sure she feels the same.

She's nice etc but just not my friend.

Sewmuchtodo · 20/07/2011 12:13

If I were you I would call my dad, tell him what's going on and that you feel it is all a bit much too.

Im sure he could have 'imaginary friends' coming to stay that weekend but offer another date in a few weeks time to give everyone some notice.

Does your dad and SM have the space for you all? It is a big ask and I know my parents would be demented with my in-laws for a visit as they also have a 30yr (ish) age gap.

EnSuiteShed · 20/07/2011 12:17

Well they sort of have the space...

It would mean that DS would have to come in the room with me and DH and DSD would have to go in with her nan and grandad. Everyone would have separate beds.

I just wouldn't feel comfortable telling my dad about it all. I think he'd feel obliged to have them because I know he'd love to see me and ds.

I don't want him or my SM to feel resentful towards them.

It would mean my SM would be cooking for 8 people every night .

OP posts:

Ambergambler · 20/07/2011 12:28

Maybe sit down with DH, when he isn't having a huff and suggest that if you want to visit, that this time you go without the in-laws, and that you will speak to your Dad whilst you are there regarding a potential future visit. Explain that you feel uncomfortable with the short notice, not with the visit itself. You could also see if there is a holiday let or similar nearby so that you didn't all have to stay at your Dad's OR if your DH is that keen on a get together, suggest you all going for a weekend break somewhere and rent a self catering cottage or something?

Sewmuchtodo · 20/07/2011 18:03

It is so difficult. Amber's suggestion of a cottage break is great, and that way you could all share the cooking, cleaning etc.

Alternatively could your DD and SM come and stay with you and have the inlaws over for tea etc?

girlywhirly · 21/07/2011 08:41

It WBU to expect to stay at such short notice, especially with so many of you. Tell DH that your DF needs to know in plenty of time to prepare. I agree that DH is being very self-centred and completely disregarding of anyone elses wishes.

I agree staying somewhere else and just visiting would be the best idea. You could offer to take everyone out to lunch one day or get fish and chips to have at home so that DF and SM don't have to cook. It's a lot easier to be tolerant of peoples shortcomings if you don't have to be with them 24/7.

Lucyinthepie · 21/07/2011 10:17

Why does he insist on his parents going? You need to point out to him that, apart from a couple of meetings your Dad and his wife don't really know them and don't have much in common with them. Does your husband think that they are "the olds" and will therefore somehow get on? I'm close to your Dad's age and I'd be pretty p'd off about having two old people I hardly know imposed on me for a visit.
Apart from anything else, you'll all have much more fun on a visit if there are less people's wishes and needs to take into account.
Maybe you could show him what's been said here.

EnSuiteShed · 21/07/2011 16:10

Oh I've already told him pretty much everything that has been said on here .

I honestly despair with him sometimes - it is like trying to explain something to a small child. You sit there and spell it out to him - it's rude, too short notice, too many people, I feel uncomfortable asking - and he sits and nods along, then he just starts going, well if you just say that we are coming, and then drop it into the conversation that my mum and dad would like to come too........ (is there a frustrated face?)

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girlywhirly · 21/07/2011 16:50

Be blunt then. Say 'WE ARE NOT GOING, END OF'

MediumPretty · 21/07/2011 17:28

How old are you and DP?

diddl · 21/07/2011 17:39

Sorry, but it is so wierd.

If he wants a holiday with his mum & dad, tell him to have one-without forcing them on your dad & sm also!

Or, if he´s so desperate, tell him to ask your dad himself!

ENormaSnob · 21/07/2011 17:47

Sorry op but your dh sounds very rude and grasping.

He wants to use your dad for a holiday and tag his parents on for the free ride

fedupofnamechanging · 21/07/2011 19:04

Your husband needs to be told very bluntly that it is incredibly rude to invite yourself and inlaws to someone else's house. Tell him you will not be doing it and to STFU about it. Sometimes the only thing that works is hitting someone over the head with a verbal hammer!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 21/07/2011 19:56

Why would your stepmother cook for 8 every evening? Wouldn't you all pitch in?

I agree with diddl. Tell him that if he's that desperate to blag a free holiday for him and his parents, he can ask your dad himself!

EnSuiteShed · 21/07/2011 23:42

In answer to how old we are - I'm 31 and DH is 44.

I've told him we are not going and he is not exactly happy about it but not a lot we can do about it.

I wouldn't expect SM to do all the cooking, but she is the kind of person who would want to do it - obviously everyone would offer to chip in but she would probably do the majority of it.

Anyway no need to worry about that as we are not going!

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