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Daddy to be, expecting too much?!

(41 Posts)
YummyMummy2Bee Wed 20-Jul-11 10:01:32

Im 7+3 with my first child and both me and my partner are very excited. However, i keep noticing myself snapping at him and not appreciating him enough. I thought he'd understand my emotions are everywhere but he really takes it to heart. Also, when i'm feeling very low and sick, he still expects me to live normally, washing up, cooking dinner etc, when i feel like i just want to lay around the house. Am i being unreasonable? x

icooksocks Wed 20-Jul-11 10:06:55

YAB a little but U. You do have to live normally, if this was a second pregnancy you wouldnt be able to lay around the house all day, Are you working? And although hormonal outbursts can be part and parcel of pregnancy-theres nothing stopping you from apologising for them afterwards.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 20-Jul-11 10:09:15

I think that for the person who is not pg, in the early days they can't actually see that you are pg because you don't have a bump yet and can't quite get their heads around the idea that something so small can have such a huge effect on a persons wellbeing.

Also, if it's a first pg, they have no experience of what is usual in pg and what isn't. It's easier for you to get used to it because it is happening to you.

Sorry, if that sounds patronising. All I can suggest is that he reads about what is usual for each stage as you approach it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Al1son Wed 20-Jul-11 10:10:40

It's good for your mental well-being to keep up with the everyday jobs but at the same time I believe we should listen to our bodies. If yours is telling tou to rest make sure you do.

You may kick yourself once the baby's born for not getting everything as sorted as possible because only then will you realise how pushed for time a new mum can be.

mercibucket Wed 20-Jul-11 10:10:56

I felt like I was going to die with my third, the tiredness was so extreme, I couldn't do anything at all for a few weeks. to be fair, we had just moved house ourselves and carried everything over, but it can hit you hard like that. it's only for a few weeks - you'll soon get your energy back (til nearer the end!) but put your feet up when you can. don't expect too much sympathy from your partner if he's not the empathetic kind. mine has never really understood how I felt and tbh it was much better once I stopped expecting any kind of sympathy and just did what I wanted eg rested when I felt I needed it, did stuff when I could

mousesma Wed 20-Jul-11 10:11:44

I think YAB a bit U in snapping at him and taking him for granted and it doesn't hurt to try and curb that or at the very least apologise afterwards.

However I do think that YABNU to want more help with the household chores during this early stage of pregnancy. If he was feeling sick and exhausted would he be expected to "put up and shut up".

fedupofnamechanging Wed 20-Jul-11 10:11:57

Meant to add that first time around I felt sick all day every day for 3 months, but no one could see a thing and I didn't tell them because i wanted to wait til the first 12 weeks were over. It is hard for some people to carry on as normal.

Remember, that although your baby is very small, your body is undergoing huge changes. A lot is happening at this stage.

YummyMummy2Bee Wed 20-Jul-11 10:19:22

I always apologize for my wrong doings, as i know what is acceptable and what isn't. However, i'm suffering bad morning sickness, where i feel like if i move, i will throw up! I've been prescribed anti-sickness, but i can't even keep those down! I am still working full time, which knackers me out, but its when i get home from work the nagging starts. I understand he has been working all day too, but i just want to rest after work sad

AbbyAbsinthe Wed 20-Jul-11 10:31:37

Ah well, in that case, he definitely needs to be more understanding!

What sort of nagging? You need your rest at the beginning, from what I can remember, you feel like you could sleep standing up.

Just remember, I suppose he has no experience with pregnant women either - so perhaps he has no idea how much support you need. And yes, he may have been working all day too, but he's not pregnant!

TheAtomicBum Wed 20-Jul-11 10:39:58

The problem here may be the fact that this is such a new experience for you both. The difficulty is in his understanding of the early stages of pregnancy.

For one thing, there is no visual reminder that you are pregnant as there is no bump, so he will sometimes forget and continue to live as normal. To add to this, the first 3 months are (rather unexpectedly) the most tiring, which is the opposite to what us men actually think is going to happen. He's probably afraid that you tiredness is going to get worse as the weight of the bump increases. Explain to him that the first 3 months are the most tiring due to the energy required in the creation of the baby and it's internal organs and stuff. Explain that it normally gets better until towards the end. Its even possible that he doesn't believe that your so tired, for just the same reason as there's no bump or anything to weigh you down. You just need to talk this over with him.

Hormonal outbursts are very difficult to get used to, I speak from experience there. The first times, you really don't understand that you're wife doesn't normally think that you don't want this baby, or (in the case of our DC1), thinks that you are having an affair with your MIL confused. It is important to apologise afterwards and explain that it was just hormones all over the place. In reality, they aren't just the humourous crying over x-factor that people share with you. Hormones can be quite nasty as they change.

Andrewofgg Wed 20-Jul-11 10:40:22

Male here. Tell him how you feel - at one of your better times - and the tell him - don't ask him, tell him - what he has to do to help you. Then stop doing what you have told him to do.

SmethwickBelle Wed 20-Jul-11 10:41:09

I found I got a bit more special treatment and understanding when the bump started to show. As others have said it is hard for them to grasp that everything is different already, when you look the same and everything else is like it was a couple of months ago.

Of course you're on the physical rollercoaster and can feel the changes constantly. Sickness and fatigue is dreadful, I don't blame you for wanting to curl up in a ball.

I got the "bloke's guide to pregnancy" and I read a chapter out loud each night (its quite funny and the chapters aren't that long). Maybe some sort of book to help him grasp what's going on (and the fun to come).

Hope you feel better soon.

EightiesChick Wed 20-Jul-11 11:11:33

For many people you feel very tired in the first trimester. I know I did and lots of pregnancy books warn you about it. The advice given is generally to rest and take extra naps etc so you might want to show him one of those. The Rough Guide to Pregnancy is easy to get through.

Is the current situation that you both work full time, but you do the majority of the housework? If so, then the question that comes to mind is why should you be doing it, not him? You might want to think about a discussion of who does what and how that will change at different stages of the pregnancy and then again when you're at home with the baby.

OrangeHat Wed 20-Jul-11 11:22:07

I was absolutely exhausted in the first trimester of both pregnancies. With the first I was working full time and used to come in from work and go straight to bed. With the second I was working part-time and had a preschooler - on my days off I would lie on the sofa and try doze while DD played. I resorted to Cbeebies a lot in those months!

For some people it is really hard - sickness or exhaustion or both - and nigh on impossible to do any more than the abolute minimum requirements (work / food / look after existing children). The good news is that for many women in the second trimester they perk right up (I did) and the third brings a gradual slow-down and by this point you are showing so people give you more leeway.

I second the idea of getting one of those "when you expecting" type books and look at it together, it will explain what is happening to your body and why you feel as crap as you do.

magicmelons Wed 20-Jul-11 11:32:31

YANBU but i'm 22 weeks with my 3rd and it was only in my 2nd pregnancy that dh got the ideqah of just how hard things were and just how sick i felt. He's great now but i remember exactly what it was like. I would have a chat with him explain it will be takeaways for dinner for another couple of weeks and the housework will have to slide. Your doing well to manage work.

I'm a bit surprised by peoples responses tbh, yes with your 2nd you have to get on with it more but that is through necessity if you can take the time to rest in your 1st pregnancy then that's what you should be doing, you'll never get this chance again.

I've been sick with all of mine and its awful you have my sympathy but it does pass. He needs to understand things will always be a little different from now.

VikingLady Wed 20-Jul-11 11:42:10

Whilst I'm only on my 1st (and early on), so I can't talk with ANY authority about how later pregnancy will feel, I've had quite some relationship experience, and this sounds like more like a communication issue. Which I suppose pretty much every disagreement comes down to, in the end...

What happened when you were ill before you were pregnant? And what happens when he is ill? And do you split the chores pretty equally normally?

If so, then can you explain it is like being ill, and then go through some details of what pregnancy is doing to your body? I say that because my DH isn't great with touchy-feely stuff about how I feel, but if I explain high temperature, nutrients leached from your own body to build the baby, extra weight (like carrying a backpack 24/7), and nausea on top of that he is pretty understanding. Which I suppose is just like getting him a "When you are expecting" book, as orangehat says.

VikingLady Wed 20-Jul-11 11:43:10

Sorry, I meant SmethwickBelle as well as OrangeHat!

HalfTermHero Wed 20-Jul-11 11:46:35

YABU to call yourself 'yummymummy'. For all you know you might end up looking dog rough once you have had the baby.

TadlowDogIncident Wed 20-Jul-11 11:47:51

YABU for snapping at him, but YANBU for expecting him to do more of the household stuff while you're feeling awful. Does he know how rotten you feel? Is he one of those people who carries on as normal when they're ill until they actually fall over?

TadlowDogIncident Wed 20-Jul-11 11:52:12

Sorry, X-posted with loads of people!

If he tries the "pregnancy is not an illness" line, point out that that may be true, but that it can cause all kinds of things that are illnessesl. I didn't have bad sickness, but I did have SPD: I felt I ought to carry on as normal, and I had loads of unhelpful people telling me not to be feeble, so I went on doing loads of things that I shouldn't have done. DS is 11 months and the physio says my pelvis is never properly going to recover. Listen to your body - if it's telling you to rest, then rest.

mummytime Wed 20-Jul-11 11:53:51

BTW bad morning sickness must involve throwing up! And if you do start to actually be sick, rather than just feeling awful, I suggest you get used to running and carrying sick bags with you. I used to go from being nauseous to being sick in about 1 minute.
I think you two need to start learning how to talk to each other, and explain how you feel clearly. When you have the baby, you will need to do this in a very limited amount of time, as everything becomes so busy.

YummyMummy2Bee Wed 20-Jul-11 12:26:43

When i am ill, he is very loving and caring, however when he is ill himself, he just gets on with it and continues doing what he does. I will talk to him this evening, thankyou for you help!!

HalfTermHero it is just my nickname friends call me, young and pregnant, and i get critisced alot! I jusst tend to get on with it, and appreciate the nice things people say (:

biddysmama Wed 20-Jul-11 12:51:31

im pregnant with number 4 and my husband still doesnt understand, i have a 10 month old and 28 month old at home so by the time he gets home i could just go to bed, but i still have to carry on... ive found that he changes a little after the scan and hes seen that its an actual physical baby inside me

Ormirian Wed 20-Jul-11 12:53:32

Have you tried explaining to him how you feel? Or do you expect him to guess?

BTW try apologising for being a bitch. It's usually constructive if you want him not to take it to heart.

mayorquimby Wed 20-Jul-11 13:06:06

Don't think either are being unreasonable, just probably both shattered and not talking it through properly.
Also from his perspective it doesn't really help for you to explain away snapping at him as your hormones/emotions being all over the place and apologising if he knows that it is just going to happen again the next day, so of course he's going to take it to heart.
Also it'd probably be worse if he didn't take it to heart because you'd be snapping/getting worked up and he'd just try to fob it off and placate you by saying something like "oh it's just your hormones acting up." which would then lead to his certain death grin

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