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...thinking that this could be grounds for divorce and I might have married a total waste of space?

(70 Posts)
MummyCubed Tue 19-Jul-11 15:48:31

Hi everyone, wondered what you think about this one (bit long I know!):
The day before yesterday I was not feeling well at all and ended up being sick all day, DH decided to go out with his friends anyway which I was sort-of fine with although it would have been nice to have had the help at home with the kids. Yesterday I ended up in hospital because of an asthma attack (not sure if this was related because the other seemed more tummy-bug like, but they did pretty much coincide). When I told him on Blackberry Messenger that I wasn't feeling well and had gone to hospital, he read it immediately but ignored it. I assumed it was because he was busy at work but then when he got home he ignored a subsequent message, as well as three phone calls over the space of five hours. I also left a non-naggy, matter-of-fact voicemail about how bad I was feeling. They let me go early in the morning and I feel a lot better today. However I am very upset that DH chose to ignore the fact I was in hospital, and then came up with the lame excuse that "his phone battery died" - this is blatantly not true, as not only does blackberry messenger show a different symbol when the message is read, but his phone was ringing, NOT straight to voicemail (apart from one of the times, which came up "Busy". He then had the cheek to say to me that I should stop worrying about the fact he hadn't called me and that something bad could have happened to him! Although I'm trying to rationalise it all I can't really think of a good enough reason why you would completely ignore your wife (or anyone, come to that) who is in hospital, however minor or major it was.
It's not as if we'd had a raging argument or something. In fact, we never argue, mainly because I can't stand his arguing style and have become resigned to just letting things go. Things have been "lukewarm" (for want of a better word) between us for about six months now, it started about New Year's. He claims to always be "busy" especially at work (although he used to call me and send messages constantly from work, as well as take time to mess about looking things up on the internet - don't get me wrong I don't need constant messages, I'm just saying he used to be much more attentive) and now seems generally disinterested in me and the kids. Every time I ask him what's wrong he tells me nothing or that he's not in the mood to talk. We now spend most evenings in different rooms, he prefers to eat reading the paper in the study than with me and the kids. He's also incredibly authoritarian with them, always had that streak but worse now. When I tell him to back off he says I'm "undermining" him, although he actually undermines people all the time. To be honest I've been thinking of leaving for a while now, yet every time I bring it up he says everything's fine and to concentrate on good times blah blah blah. When we had a trial breakup for a week a few months ago he sent soppy love messages all day (that I later found out were copied and pasted from the internet!!) But then the old behaviour returned after two weeks. I think this finally takes the biscuit, don't you? :-(

knittedbreast Tue 19-Jul-11 15:50:45

id go too.

peeriebear Tue 19-Jul-11 15:50:49

Hmm. Nope, can't see any reason at all for you to stay with him. What a massive twat.

Eglu Tue 19-Jul-11 15:52:13

You were ill and he left you to look after the children alone.

You went to hospital and he did not come and see you or even call to see how you were.

Why are you married to this person?

DuelingFanjo Tue 19-Jul-11 15:52:51

you were in hospital and he didn't call you? yes, massive twat.

BitOfFun Tue 19-Jul-11 15:55:24

I'd be filing for divorce in these circumstances, yes.

JamieAgain Tue 19-Jul-11 15:58:06

I'm really sorry. He does seem to have disengaged. Totally wrong.

Do you think it's possible he's having an affair?

MummyCubed Tue 19-Jul-11 15:59:20

I know, even a call would have been acceptable, but he should have come to see how I was!! I can't get over how lame the excuse is!
What really gets me is that once his father's tooth was infected and he went crazy with worry...I'm sure it was painful but DH's reaction was over the top, he said he was too worried and couldn't talk all day, stayed up all night the first night and until 4 am the next night watching over his father, shouted at DD2 to "do her research and that an infected tooth could kill someone" when she suggested he might like to calm down, all in all a big drama. Yet when it comes to me, he can't be arsed to even answer the phone? Doesn't look too good does it?

OldRedEyes Tue 19-Jul-11 16:01:00

what happened to the kids when you were admitted to hospital

are you a bit of a hypochondriac who rushes to doc every 5 mins for trivial stuff (i would feel like ignoring someone like that tbh)

Fimbo Tue 19-Jul-11 16:01:12

Who looked after the children whilst you were in the hospital? I would seriously leave the twat tbh.

GandTiceandaslice Tue 19-Jul-11 16:01:28

Who was looking after the children?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Tue 19-Jul-11 16:04:52

The outlook is pretty grim if you don't get out from under.

Time for another 'trial' separation - do try to keep it up for longer than a week grin

Kayano Tue 19-Jul-11 16:09:01

I am very excited to say this for the first time but....

'leave the bastard!'

MummyCubed Tue 19-Jul-11 16:09:14

My mother picked them up, as he wasn't answering the phone, and they are still a bit confused by the whole situation, even though my mum and I both made a big show of it being seemingly "normal" if you know what I mean.
I hardly ever go to the doctor, and he's more of a hypochondriac than me - always stomping around about having a "running stomach" as he calls it (the most memorable occasion being when he made a big show on Xmas eve about being too ill to come to my mum's and then went out with his friends later, but I digress) I'm sure you wouldn't ignore your own husband or close family though OldRedEyes.
What upsets me most is the complete change of behaviour compared to how he was. I don't think he's having an affair, he hasn't had many women (only 2 before me, he says) and seems more interested in mucking around with his mates but then again you never know. He does talk about his ex a lot these days, and quoted something about "the 80/20 rule" (i.e. stay with the one you have because the grass isn't always greener) which I THINK was him trying to say he regretted not staying with her - I must point out here I was not the other woman and he had already broken up with her when we started going out, but I did know him when he lived with her, which he did for a year and unhappily for half a year. But then he says it's all "fine" and he doesn't want to talk about it. He's disappeared today as well, because he knows how unimpressed I am and didn't like being caught in a lie!

AllQuietOnThePippisFront Tue 19-Jul-11 16:10:03

although I am also curious to know where the children are I think it is quite beside the point except for being the reason one could not come to hospital. I could not find any excuse for one not phoning except not caring, being self obsessed or having 'more important' things to do.

I am not in the position to call him a twat as I do not know enough about him but he certainly behaved like one. sorry.

BitOfFun Tue 19-Jul-11 16:11:09

I would call a solicitor and arrange an appointment.

JamieAgain Tue 19-Jul-11 16:11:21

No, there's no excuse for it.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows Tue 19-Jul-11 16:12:36

Was it is about his "arguing style" that you don't like?

GandTiceandaslice Tue 19-Jul-11 16:15:52

He is a complete arse.
I am wondering if he's having an affair.

MummyCubed Tue 19-Jul-11 16:19:54

He can't make a point without sounding argumentative, so most exchanges of words that could be discussed in a nice civil manner end up in an argument anyway. He shouts a lot and makes personal comments instead of focusing on the point. Or he pretends to sleep a lot, which is now verging on the ridiculous - he goes to bed most nights the moment he's eaten and on weekends does the same then sleeps until 2pm! I know some people need more sleep than others but this is such obvious escapism...
It probably means something that he's also rude to most people when outside the house as well (for example, the other day out with the kids, what drink would you like? his answer: SPRITE!) and too many friends of mine have described him as "awkward" (which was initially cute but now has turned into arrogance)

girlafraid Tue 19-Jul-11 16:25:18

Does he have any good points? Seriously.

JamieAgain Tue 19-Jul-11 16:26:28

O.K, to be generous to the man, I'm going to suggest depression, because you mentioned withdrawal from everyone, sleeping a lot, and anger, and you don't think he's having an affair

Still doesn't really explain ignoring the messages that his wife's ill.

<clutching at straws>

AllQuietOnThePippisFront Tue 19-Jul-11 16:26:44

MC my dh has at time the same argumentative style. For the same reasons I have at times chose to leave it. I have recently realised that consciously or uncounciously this is exactly why they are doing it - to put a stop on your quesstions demands etc.

A full on argument is nasty and hardly productive but hearing the other person's voice and remembering their are not meek lambs has its advantages.

schroeder Tue 19-Jul-11 16:28:59

Crikey, what an arse

RainboweBrite Tue 19-Jul-11 16:29:49

Gosh, what an awful, awful situation for you and the kids to be in. I think you should ask him to leave, as he sounds like a nightmare. I bet you feel constantly on edge. Could you ever really trust someone who has shown such scant regard for you?

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