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to keep the sex of our baby a secret?

(45 Posts)
StinkyWeimaraner Tue 19-Jul-11 11:02:58

Hello everyone, I've been lurking for a while but now decided to lose my AIBU virginity.

My first pregnancy was high risk and I was under close consultant care after I lost a twin at 17 weeks. They were both boys and I had to carry ds's brother until 10 days after he was born as he didn't come out at birth. Only a handful of people know there were twins so I had months of putting up with 'god you're massive, are you sure there are twins in there?' The day the little one came out was traumatic and deeply upsetting.

Now I'm 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a healthy girl. We found out the sex via amnio. We are still telling people we don't know to buy us some time before my scan on Friday. My best friend and my SIL are both pestering me to find out even though neither of them found out the sex of theirs because they didn't want to ruin the surprise! My mum even called me a bitch when she thought I knew, before I found out, and wouldn't believe me. We want this to be our lovely secret but these people are getting really irritated with us.

Are we being childish and should just tell them?

porcamiseria Tue 19-Jul-11 11:04:56

christ on a bike your family a bit compasson free! sorry for your loss

fuck em, dont tell them, and clearly exppain that after losing a baby this is a big deal and they love you, they wll respect your wishes

qo Tue 19-Jul-11 11:05:54

I kept dd's birth a secret, I didn't even tell anybody that I knew myself!!

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jul-11 11:06:07

tell them all to fuck off and mind their own business

your family sound toxic, btw

qo Tue 19-Jul-11 11:06:07

obviously I meant sex, not birth durrrr

Tollund Tue 19-Jul-11 11:06:19

You have every right to keep it secret if you want to, we didn't tell anyone we'd found out. shock at your mum calling you a bitch, is she always like that?!

Don't be pressured if you don't want, it's really FA to do with anyone else.

MorelliOrRanger Tue 19-Jul-11 11:06:54

Your baby your choice. YANBU - and I'm a little shock at your mum calling you a bitch. Why is it so important they know?

If we ever decide to have another one (between you and me we are ttc wink), I am going to find out the sex and not tell anyone either. Tis none of their business.

Congratulations smile

Andrewofgg Tue 19-Jul-11 11:07:07

Don't tell them. Not their business. And very good luck to you.

AnyFucker Tue 19-Jul-11 11:07:39

btw, congratulations on expecting a healthy baby

all the very best x

babyocho Tue 19-Jul-11 11:07:50

Just tell them that you know and you have decided that you are not going to tell anyone when the baby is born.

I wouldn't care either way, the baby's gender is already determined so I don't know why the fuss is in them knowing... it's not their baby. Equally I don't know why people find out before hand.

bumpybecky Tue 19-Jul-11 11:07:52

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby sad and also very sorry that your family aren't being more understanding

yanbu to do whatever you want when it comes to revealing (or not) the sex of your baby

if it were me I'd tell them about the blog where the parents haven't told anyone the sex of the child even after the birth, raising their child as gender neutral. That'd be good for winding them up grin

Tanif Tue 19-Jul-11 11:08:21

Although I think your mum's reaction was fairly OTT, why are you keeping the sex to yourself? I can understand either finding out and telling people so they know what to buy if they want to get you a present, or not finding out and having a surprise yourself, but finding out and not telling anyone seems strange to me.

I'm not nay-saying your decision, just genuinely curious.

tinypumpkin Tue 19-Jul-11 11:10:47

I am so sorry for the loss of your twin, I also lost a twin. It's totally understandable that the birth was hard of your boys and that you are finding it tough now. I am also pg again. I did find out the sex of my girls and if people asked, we told them we knew but that we were not telling. Most people were fine, my Mum drove me mad pestering me (no one knew we would lose one of our daughters).

This time around, we have found out again (I had to know to get my head around it) and if people have asked, I have said again that we know but are not telling. Thankfully people have been fine about this including my Mum. I could not cope with the pestering again. Being pregnant after losing a baby is so hard anyway, no extra pressure is needed.

Like you, I need it to be our secret. Hope you get the support you need and I am astounded at your Mum calling you that given all you have been through. Wishing you an uneventful pregnancy.

eurochick Tue 19-Jul-11 11:12:30

I'm sorry for what you have been through and that your family are being nasty.

I have to say though that I don't understand why parents who find out keep it a secret from others. It is news that is of most interest to the parents. I had some friends who did this and were being v careful to refer only to it rather than he or she. I didn't quite get it. I was pleased they were having a baby but the gender was pretty irrelevant to me. Nonetheless, I respected their decision.

It's your baby, your choice and your family should respect it.

Inertia Tue 19-Jul-11 11:13:33

Sorry for your loss; you've been through a hugely traumatic experience and would have every right to expect to be treated with a bit more compassion, especially given your concerns for the health of your unborn baby. I'm staggered that your own mother called you a bitch, especially in these circumstances.

You don't have to tell anybody whether your baby is a boy or a girl. They have no 'rights' over your body or your child. You can either say that you're not finding out, or tell them that you're not saying (probably leaves the door open for more unwelcome pestering); or you could say that the scan didn't show for certain.

Nobody has the right to be irritated with you about your pregnancy choices!

Andrewofgg Tue 19-Jul-11 11:16:35

Come on Tanif, this experienced uncle by blood and marriage - twenty including cousins' and close friends' children - has never had a problem finding a gender-neutral present to have ready for a newborn!

Even if you buy into blue for a boy, pink for a girl - or you don't but don't want the baby to look peculiar in the eyes of others - there's green, yellow, and white.

Nobody needs to know and the parents should not be put under pressure to tell. Their choice.

LuckyMrsT Tue 19-Jul-11 11:16:42

Your mum called you a bitch???? [shocked]

So sorry for your loss but congratulations on your pregnancy. Keep it as your own lovely secret and don't let them get to you.

tinypumpkin Tue 19-Jul-11 11:17:05

In answer to you Tanif, pregnancy is so totally different when you have lost a baby, everything changes in my humble opinion. I personally needed to know if it was a girl (hard as we lost a girl) and if it was a boy (also hard as part of me wants another girl). Either needed me to get my head around although either of course would be fab.

I need no surprises in my pregnancy and the sex if one of those things. Last time I had a v prem labour, crash section, NICU stays for both girls and then had to switch off the ventilator for my eldest daughter. I cannot even explain what it is like to lose a child and plan their funeral. I personally 'need' things to go normally and in a controlled fashion as much as possible (fingers and toes crossed there).

I can only speak for myself of course but that is why I personally need to know the sex. I can't tell others, it is too private, something for me and DH to get our heads around. I also need to try and bond as much as possible with the baby. This too is hard when you find it v hard to even talk about being pregnant because of the fear of losing another child.

Tanif Tue 19-Jul-11 11:18:03

Andrew I'm not saying that gender neutral presents don't exist, but generally they exist for people who haven't found out at all. I'm just curious as to why someone would find out and not tell anyone, genuine, non judgmental curiosity.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Tue 19-Jul-11 11:20:39

Tanif, I doubt this is the OP's experience, but if i crumble and find out the sex of this one, I won't tell anyone either. And for me, it's because my in-laws badly want a boy, and I don't want to deal with either a) gloating triumphant 'we knew it, the InLaw Family sperm wins out again, eh' or b) badly concealed disappointment. And I'm assuming that post-birth, they won't dare to do b) and I won't care if they do a).

StinkyWeimaraner Tue 19-Jul-11 11:25:23

I think we want to keep it quiet because last time I was prodded, poked and scanned relentlessly and this time we can hopefully just enjoy it. I felt everyone and his dog knew my business (I work in the hospital I gave birth so it was a battle being discrete) so now we can keep this one thing to ourselves. Don't you think it's interesting how the people who didn't want to know their own are on at me? Hmm..

Bumpybecky - I have still got a lot of boy's clothes so I could mix it up!

Thanks for your replies

Tell them the gender wasn't visible from the scan. That can genuinely happen if the baby is lying in a position which hides the relevant bits!

So sorry for your loss.

goodnightmoon Tue 19-Jul-11 11:26:03

YABU, i do think it's childish to keep it a secret. What on earth do you gain from knowing yourself but not telling others? it's one thing not to find out yourself but if you do know why be smugly secretive about it?

I also don't see what it has to do with your previous loss, though sorry to hear of it.

MorelliOrRanger Tue 19-Jul-11 11:30:18

< --- Assuming goodnightmoon is on a wind up sad

brizzagirl Tue 19-Jul-11 11:31:22

Keep it to yourself and tell everyone that you haven't found out and you want a surprise. That way there is much less pressure as people hopefully wouldn't be pestering you to tell them in the same way as if they knew that you knew. Good luck and fingers crossed for a healthy pregnancy.

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