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To want to rip DH heart out like he has done to me?

(58 Posts)
smellimelli Tue 19-Jul-11 10:15:28

Sorry- not sure why that didn't post....

I've lust been on the laptop to open a file I thought I'd left open, I hadn't so I went to recent documents and guess what? I found a stash of porn downloads that DH must have been looking at last night.

I am sitting here in tears and my reaction has surprised me. I feel totally betrayed by DH, as though he has cheated on me and broken a special bond between us.

In the past porn hasn't been a "bad" thing to me, DH and I have used it together (and don't flame me for this, porn is not the issue here) but I feel that he has done something devious and underhand. It's made me think if he can do this is the next step an affair?

To put this in context, we have a 7month DD and our relationship has drastically changed. I'm on maternity leave but am having to go back to work ft which is making me stressed and snappy to DH. DD wakes 2-4 times nightly, I'm so tired. I feel fat and unattractive. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and go through the day. DH works his socks off so we only see each other evenings and 1.5 days a week. Our sex life has drastically dropped off as often I'm just too tired and would rather sleep (it's still good when it happens). We just don't have fun anymore and have arguments over the stupid things.

PIL are coming over this afternoon for dinner and all I want to do is play the porn in front of them and ask DH WTF this is all about.

BTW I've lurked on MN for ages but only joined the other day, so please don't think that this isn't a genuine post. I really need some advice quickly.

Sorry it's so long.

RealityAlt0174 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:19:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ForkInTheForeheid Tue 19-Jul-11 10:20:34

I don't think this is about the porn (in fact you've said as much in your post) so don't kid yourself that that is what has upset you. You're obviously suffering from utter exhaustion at the moment and its effect on you shouldn't be underestimated. It changes how we see things and (IME) makes you feel on the edge of madness frequently.

You really, really need to sit down with your DH and discuss how you're feeling. If porn is something that is acceptable in your household he would be justified in not realising he has done anything to upset you. Can he take up some of the responsibility for night wakings?

cjbartlett Tue 19-Jul-11 10:21:07

So it's okay to watch it together but not separately?

RealityAlt0174 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:21:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

niceguy2 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:22:17

This will soon degenerate into a porn = exploitation of women debate as they always do and anyone who dares think otherwise will be shouted down.

But in general I have to say that for men, porn's just well...porn. We don't watch porn thinking "Well I don't love my wife anymore!" We just watch porn so we can have a quick hand shuffle. It's really not about not loving you or betraying you. It's just an aid to masturbation.

It probably makes it worse that you feel fat & unattractive and secretly you may be worried your DH will see these attractive naked women and possibly look at you and think "urgh". But us men can separate fantasy from reality.

Honestly it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

Nicola567 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:22:50

Omg!! Please do not embarras him like he is a child in front of friends.

I can understand how you are shocked, I don't mind porn but don't like finding it when looking for something else but my dh has no clue about deleting histories so am used to it.

This is about you and your body hang ups, your dh was not watching porn to see some thin pretty girl, he was watching it to have a quick no strings wank!

OldRedEyes Tue 19-Jul-11 10:22:50

porn doesnt mean an affair or anything like it

he isnt having sex with you, or trying to have sex with you because he recognises you are tired

therefore, he is probably getting his "needs" met in this anonymous way.

I think you have bigger problems to be honest than a bit of internet porn

squeakytoy Tue 19-Jul-11 10:23:29

I think you need to sit down with him and talk before going off at the deep end.

You say you have never had issues with porn and have used it together, so presumably your husband doesnt expect you to be mad if he has looked at some on his own.

Perhaps he understands how knackered and stressed you are, and doesnt want you to feel he is pressuring you into sex, so he is relieving his urges by looking at the porn. To me that is definately NOT the same as an affair if porn is something that you have both enjoyed in the past and is a normal part of your sex life anyway.

No doubt the anti-porn brigade will be along soon telling you that you should leave the bastard... sad

Kayano Tue 19-Jul-11 10:23:55

YABU

Watch it : D

OldRedEyes Tue 19-Jul-11 10:24:19

I have to say that for men, porn's just well...porn

not just for men, lots and lots of women enjoy looking at it too, no big deal

Familyguyfan Tue 19-Jul-11 10:24:26

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I think there are a few things going on here. Firstly, you seem really unhappy in yourself. I think a lot of new mums (myself included) feel a bit fat and not generally at our best, but you seem to be struggling a little bit. The nights won't be helping so lack of sleep will almost certainly be an issue but could you perhaps be a bit depressed, either within yourself or specifically because you're having to return to work?

I know it must have been very upsetting finding your husband's porn, but I'm guessing from your post it's the secrecy that is bothering you. I think it might be worth taking a deep breath and talking (not shouting) at him about it. It could easily be that he wants to be sympathetic to your busy life and not pressure you for more sex (which is a good thing generally) but still wants to ... Well you know! I know it's hard but I think the way you feel about yourself is exaggerating your reaction to this, so try to calm down a little bit. It could be that he is a total arse, but it might be worth giving him the benefit of the doubt. I think your mind is running wild if you think the next step is an affair!

Hope you feel better soon.

Blurry29 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:26:06

I do think you are being a little bit U

He isn't cheating on you by watching porn............... Don't embarrass him in front of his DP, this will only blow up someting that can be sorted out quite easily.

You need to maturely discuss this with him. He may not feel like there is anything wrong with it as you have been open to using porn in the past.

Could it be that he understands how tired you are feeling and wants to give you some space so in the mean time he is just finding a little bit of sexual output via porn.

By the looks of things he didn't delete or hide the fact that he was watching it so I honestly don't think he is being devious (just MPO)

Do you discuss with him about how tired and unattractive you feel? Could you openly discuss with him about BOTH of you making more of an effort in the bedroom dept? Could you get some help from parents so you can both enjoy some personal time together.....even if it's one night??? like you've said you both need to have more fun together.........

Take the first step and talk to each other smile

smellimelli Tue 19-Jul-11 10:27:15

Yes, he does know that this would be a no-no. It's the deception I think that bothers me the most. If he'd have said to me "Mrs SM, I feel really horny, fancy a shag?" and I said "no I'm too tired" and he'd said "I'll just watch some porn and get my rocks off..." I don't think I'd have minded. Hell, I'd probably have found the energy. It's the fact he's taken something special between us and made it all sorid.

Oh and no, I wouldn't really show his parents- they are in their 80s!

I'm struggling to understand why you find it sordid that he's been looking at porn alone, but it's ok when you look together.

Andrewofgg Tue 19-Jul-11 10:35:04

No, he has not ripped your heart out. He has done something which you used to do BC and it has not occurred to him how much having your child has changed you. My gender are like that sometimes - we just fail to get how yours functions. As a matter of fact, the same can be said of your gender.

So talk about it and tell him how you feel and why it has upset you. Don't tell us - not even the overwhelming number of women on this site - tell him, he's the one that needs to know.

Good luck and all the best.

diddl Tue 19-Jul-11 10:35:53

So watching porn together is "special", but him watching it alone is an absolute betrayal?

I don´t get that tbh.

So if you wanted to watch porn alone you would ask him & expected him to d the same?

Sorry but YABU.

squeakytoy Tue 19-Jul-11 10:36:07

I would have thought, (and he probably thinks too), if he has said to you "oh well, I will just watch some porn etc... " that would have been more hurtful to you.

RealityAlt0174 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:36:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldRedEyes Tue 19-Jul-11 10:39:17

if he said do you fancy and shag, you say no, he says ok i will watch some porn then, many would try and say he is trying to control you, make you feel guilty, being passive agressive or whatever the in-saying is this week, to be honest, he couldnt really win could he, apart from just go to be frustrated

Kayzr Tue 19-Jul-11 10:40:31

I know you are tired and getting up every night but I have to say I don't see the problem. If it's ok to watch together why isn't it ok to watch it alone? Would your DH kick up a fuss if he found out you had watched it?

I really don't get these 'my DH/DP has been watching porn threads' They're men, I can guarentee that probably 99% of men have watched porn. If my DP wanted to watch porn I'd let him get on with it.

smellimelli Tue 19-Jul-11 10:41:33

I think it's the wanking that's the issue. We always used to joke that we didn't need to as we loved each other so much and our sex life was great. Yes, thinking about it, it's not the porn. I'd have felt like this if I'd walked in on him just having a wank.

Thanks for all the replies, it does help me to see reason.

I must just add he is a good husband and I love him so much. I guess I feel that I've failed him in some way.

Georgimama Tue 19-Jul-11 10:43:46

I really hate porn and would be pretty pissed off if I found out DH had been looking at it (and that would be because of my feminist objections to the porn industry rather than the actual getting rocks off - have no wish to derail this thread into that discussion though) but I can't actually understand why this is upsetting you this much. You have used porn together before, and you say that if he had told you he was going to do it, it wouldn't be an issue, so it seems somewhat melodramatic for you to say your heart has been ripped out.

Would you feel your heart had been ripped out if you had walked in the bathroom and caught him wanking?

squeakytoy Tue 19-Jul-11 10:43:54

But you HAVENT failed him. He hasnt failed you either.

It is not a betrayal for someone to have a bit of lone pleasure... honestly it isnt.

Going elsewhere because your partner is tired is wrong.. respecting the fact that they are tired and just quietly sorting it out by yourself isnt.

smile

Georgimama Tue 19-Jul-11 10:44:38

Okay x posted. It is completely unreasonable to feel that your heart has been ripped out because your husband was masturbating. That is ludicrous.

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