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Behavioural problems or just a really shitty parent?

(51 Posts)
hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 09:56:58

Well, I have recently found out that a 'friend' is not who I thought she was. I have always been there for her no matter what however I don't feel that I can anymore here's why;

She has parental responsibility for her cousins son, she has had him since he was 6 weeks old (he is 3 now) she says they have adopted him but has told other people different stories so I am unsure, anyway she and her husband have been trying for a baby for about 7 years and last year she finally got pregnant all very exciting and she relied on me to take her to appointments and when her due date came around I took her to the mat unit when she thought she was in labour (3 times a week) and sat with her till sometimes 4am!

When she had the baby my position of friend became redundant, she would say she couldn't see me and avoid me, yet on facebook it was clear she was meeting up with everyone else except from me.

Anyways when she finally had a spare hour she invited me over to meet the baby and to have a catch up, great so I went now when I was there her 3 year old was playing fine with my dd and no problem atall I can't remember exactly what but he did something naughty which a time out would of solved however she did this;

- screamed at him that he was a little retard and to fuck off and leave her alone
-threatened to smack him in the face if he didn't fuck off.
- said she hated him and that he has no place in her family.

Now my opinion from seeing this is that now she has a baby of her own she doesn't want her 'adopted' son anymore, however she has been telling people we mutually know that he has ADHD, I have looked after him on occasions and I really do not think he has this.

She has decided she never wants to see or speak to me again because I don't support her.. I do support her just not when she is abusing a little boy

Aibu to call social services? Or should I get a hv involved?

GypsyMoth Tue 19-Jul-11 09:58:47

She has PR? Social services I think!

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 10:00:52

Not sure if you call it pr but she went to court to get the rights to look after him as his birth mother couldn't cope

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 10:00:52

Not sure if you call it pr but she went to court to get the rights to look after him as his birth mother couldn't cope

Kayano Tue 19-Jul-11 10:01:12

You have to ring SS. Cases like this can escalate. Can you not offer take him? I'm actually very concerned by this

porcamiseria Tue 19-Jul-11 10:01:35

how very very sad, poor little boy

firstly I dont think you want to be friends with this person, and be clear that if you acton this, you wont be

what is the alternative for this child, ie if SS took him away (unlikely) where would he go?

I think she needs a visit and chat from SS and they need to scare her a bit into realising she cant treat him like this. But fuck knows how you go about it

suggest ypu get professional advice but deffo do something

messymammy Tue 19-Jul-11 10:02:59

Fucking hell, that's absolutely disgraceful. The poor little boy. Was her dp there when this happened? What would he say if he knew she spoke to him like that?
I presume if she is in loco parentis then Social Services would be involved?I'd definitely call someone over that, I couldn't let it go. Surely 3 is too young for a diagnosis of ADHD anyway? Thought you had to be at least 4/5?
Anyway, YANBU to call in Social Services, this little boy deserves someone who loves him and treats him like a son.

MumblingRagDoll Tue 19-Jul-11 10:05:03

Call SS. NO waiting around...she's being evil.

DialsMavis Tue 19-Jul-11 10:05:26

Oh my gosh, poor poor little boy. Even if he does have ADHD that is no excuse! Please help him. If she is like this when people are around, imagine how she treats him in private...sad angry

GwendolenHarleth Tue 19-Jul-11 10:19:01

Poor little boy. sad Please do report this.

OldRedEyes Tue 19-Jul-11 10:26:03

social services need to be informed

a three year old is still a little baby

robingood19 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:26:26

its a minefield

ElsieMc Tue 19-Jul-11 10:31:30

If she has a court order and he resides there - a residence order - then she will have parental responsibility.

This is a terrible situation for the little boy and you must go to social services. They are more likely to listen to you because you are not related and will not be seen as "wanting" the child yourself.

Sadly family members who raise concern with SS are routinely ignored because they may have a vested interest in making a false report.

I hope you ring and get a good social worker who will act. It may be that your "friend" may feel she can no longer cope and this may bring the situation to a head.

Good luck.

Inertia Tue 19-Jul-11 10:35:25

Poor little lad. He needs someone to look out for him, he's probably desperately bewildered by your friend's hostility.

Has your friend previously been so aggressive towards her adopted son- I guess you've been there to see their earlier interactions? Could it be the case that she is struggling to cope? Perhaps going to the Health Visitor about them could be a first step; it might be that your friend needs support. Obviously if he is in an abusive situation then further steps need to be taken to protect him.

BeerTricksPotter Tue 19-Jul-11 10:37:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaid100 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:39:05

Definitely SS. It's not necessarily that she's being evil, but she's clearly having problems coping and SS could help her with that before it causes permanent problems for the little lad.

SkelleyBones Tue 19-Jul-11 10:40:12

Jesus that is bad, i've lost it with my children in the weeks prior to giving birth .... for the first year your head can be all over the place. BUT she has crossed a line that is frankly inexcusable.

niceguy2 Tue 19-Jul-11 10:40:35

OMG please please report this. If this is how she acts when she has visitors I can only imagine how she's like when they're on their own.

superjobee Tue 19-Jul-11 10:42:19

my nephew is 4 and a half and is a clear case for having ADD/ADHD but as he is still under 5 the doctor cant diagnose him. for your friend to say that her 3 yr old has beeen diagnosed its highly unlikely he has been. please get someone involved that poor little boy has been raised by this woman as his mum to suddenly turn on him now that she has her 'own' baby is heartbreaking he needs stability the poor wee mite sad so sad.

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 10:43:24

I think I will speak to ss, I am worried for him.

I would take him myself if I could but I really am not in a place to do so.

She is well known for being a bit of a fighter and can be very nasty but I guess that's the risk I need to take to help him.

Before she had her 'own' baby he was her world and she treated him lovely..

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 10:43:24

I think I will speak to ss, I am worried for him.

I would take him myself if I could but I really am not in a place to do so.

She is well known for being a bit of a fighter and can be very nasty but I guess that's the risk I need to take to help him.

Before she had her 'own' baby he was her world and she treated him lovely..

garlicbutter Tue 19-Jul-11 10:51:33

The sudden change in behaviour might be down to PND or some variety of it. I agree, it's wise to get an expert on the case. She will fall out with you over it, but you won't be losing that much - and things might settle down, later, if she gets her act together.

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 11:02:50

garlic I really don't think it is down to depression, I have been there and she is the type of person to tell everyone who will listen about her problems, and she has said to people before about being low but that was way before she had any kids.

hellospoon Tue 19-Jul-11 11:02:50

garlic I really don't think it is down to depression, I have been there and she is the type of person to tell everyone who will listen about her problems, and she has said to people before about being low but that was way before she had any kids.

rockinhippy Tue 19-Jul-11 11:20:44

you've got a cyber stutter smile

I'm with the others - you need to speak with someone - SS would be a good bet, the poor little mite needs back up, the damage she is doing to him even just verbally is heartbreaking & god knows what else goes on when you are not there - ADHD or not, never an excuse for abusing a DC like that - & I suspect not

sod the friendship, if you don't act you will have this on your conscience forever sad

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