scared sleepless

[mostlyhappy1234]

Hi,

New to this forum but hoping to get some down to earth advice.

Am a single mum of three children. The youngest is 4 months old. DAd and i never lived together but were always in good contact. He kind of took on father role for my two older ones as dad not around.
We had youngest together on the accord that he would live with me and dad could see him whenever he wanted.

A few days ago, dad decided to babysit youngest at my house. So far he had had all kids every other weekend without sleepover.
On this said day,he arrived really angry and threatened to take me to court if i did not give him the right for the youngest to sleep over his. He had asked to takethe youngest to sleep over his that night.I am not breastfeeding but leaving such a young baby is very difficult for me. Have agreed to sleepover every other weekend although the prospect really frightens me.
This sleepover should help the bonding of baby and dad.

HOWEVER: the threat of court has really scared me. A usually easy to talk to person has all of a sudden turned into someone who seems unapproachable. All trust built up over hte last 3 years or so has completely vanished.

He used to work for a family lawyers and i m really worriedthat he will try to get primary care of the little one......

Is this a realistic fear???????

[sixkids]

yes its a reasonable fear,he said he would live with you but doesnt and he could have spoken to you instead of issuing threats,you dont have to let baby sleepover and you can always get your own legal advice first,threatening with court would get anyones back up,seek advice asap so you can feel more in control and less scared.

[mostlyhappy1234]

hi sixkids,

thanks for yourkind comment.
just got legal advice and solicitor said that i m primary carer as baby is very small. Also, he cannot put unreasonable demands for contact to me. Baby should not sleep over and 7 hours contact every other weeekend are absolutely fine (acc to the law) until baby is a bit older.....
great. i ll be able to sleep now....just have to see how to let him know. at least, he can never walk all over me in the future!!!!

[sixkids]

im so happy you got advice,i knew from my own experiences that you would not have to do overnight stays at such a young age,im very proud of you,well done,hope all goes well,im so happy for you,good luck.

[mostlyhappy1234]

hi there,

thanks sooo much for the encouragement. Are there any kind of legal guidelines (or otherwise) how much time a child is to stay with the other parent. This would greatly help to cut down on material for arguments between him and me.
It is not that i do not want contact. Much to the contrary. But it has to be on agreeable terms for the mother too.

One more question: what would one do if he just kept the child without my consent?
Could a judge issue an order to maintain where the child spends how much time? Would this be enforcable through the police?

And a last question: is the feeling of a constantly knotted stomach normal? is this going to get easier eventually???

[sixkids]

Hi there, usually the parents are expected to come to a reasonable agreement on contact but if you cant agree a solicitor can make suggestions and send it in a letter to the dad on your behalf,for a young child 1 hour a week is reasonable,as you are the main carer and child lives with you it counts as kidnap if he takes the child even if his name is on the birth certificate,so you would have to call police,this happened to my daughter and grandson recently and we got her partner arrested,they can then only have supervised access! the knot in your stomach will go but it takes time,you will fill better when you get a solicitor to send a letter with contact days and times because as soon as he goes against it you are allowed to stop contact and the letter will make you fell more in control.good luck your doing well,i know how much it can wear you down!!!

[sixkids]

oh and yes it does get easier,my ex got a letter from my solicitor every time he put a foot wrong and they soon learn that you are in control.

[mostlyhappy1234]

hi sixkids,
i called him to discuss the findings (4 hours contact every fortnight) and he started shouting at me. He said he did not want anything to do with us anymore and that i had to contact a solicitor if i wanted maintenance.....

for now,i ll just wait what will happen....or would you have any other advice??

[sixkids]

Get solicitor to send details of contact and if he ignores it at least you have covered your back,if you want maintenance see solicitor but if your not bothered then leave it and ignore him,he knows legally he has to pay for his child,just stick to contact via solicitor so you dont have to speak to him at all until he is prepared to grow up and be reasonable,its hard work but your doing a fantastic job,keep up the good work :)

[mostlyhappy1234]

hi,

i am really scared to go through a solicitor especially as i do not have the funds.... he said that if i appoint a solicitor ... so will he....
he just sent another letter now saying that he would agree to contact but that overnight contact once a month was still required by him....
if not agreed by me, he would refuse to see the baby alltogether.....

what am i supposed to say to this????

[Crazybit]

Contact a solicitor and they will let you know if you're entitled to legal aid, if you're on benefits you will be. Is there a particular reason he's turned funny?

[FabbyChic]

You say if he wishes to be so petty then so be it that your child would be better off without a father who issues threats to the primary carer.

Do what is best for you and your child.

Try not to worry too much.

Seek assistance from the CSA with regards maintenance.

[JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar]

He said he'd drop you all altogether if he can't have your still-tiny baby overnight? Charming. Keep the letters - they might come in handy as evidence in the future.

Like crazybit I'm wondering what's happened to turn him into such a prat. Or has he always been like this? You're well shot by the looks of things.

[NearlySpring]

I do think you need to consider things from his side.

Is he a good father? He has acted as a father figure to your old children too? What I mean is, perhaps he is devastated that he isn't see much if his newborn? Must be hard only seeing the baby every other weekend. Imagine how you'd feel!

If the baby isn't breastfed and he is a responsible father than he should be allowed overnight access. He is a parent too and that baby is as much his as it is yours!