ex's new girlfriend giving presents to my DS(16 Posts)
Is it unreasonable to feel really p**ssed off that my ex's newish girlfriend keeps giving our son little presents? I want to go and ask her (slap her) to stop giving him stuff. Ok, I am insecure about my relationship with my son and but it seems really insensitive of her and feels like a constant slap in the face when my DS says "....... gave it to me" and he talks about her and her son. Plus I don't think he needs regular presents from her, it's hard enough to put the brakes on constant toy requests as it is. She lives REALLY close to me so I can't get away from it all and we were formerly friends- don't feel like being friends now....
YABU (But understandably so)
Basically his GF is making an effort to get on with your son. Would you rather she didn't speak to him, didn't talk to him and only fly around on her broomstick whilst they are together?
The fundamental problem is your own insecurity. Don't treat your child like an idiot. He's not going to forget who his mum is or love her more just because she's bought him a couple of gifts.
Ignore it and it will stop after a while. Make it into an issue and you'll just come across like the psycho-ex whom he can show everyone how unreasonable you are and validate that he's better off without you.
just means you have to buy him less...
is she not just trying to be nice?
Totally don't see an issue except with your own self esteem
YANBU to feel as you do but as nNceguy has already mentioned, if you make it an issue, then it gives them more ammo to turn you into the psycho ex.
We have an absolute frenzy of present buying here - from both the ex and from her. From him, it's particularly irritating cos he is/was the tightest man on the planet but is obviously playing up the 'perfect dad' role. Kids see through it really quickly though. My eldest barely even acknowledges the piles of stuff (mainly tat) that she is presented with now - she says herself she knows it's because they feel guilty.
The only down side is that the younger ones have really latched on to it with the result that they are becoming a bit of a nightmare when we go anywhere because they always want stuff bought - and for the first time in their lives, we've had tantrums and tears in shops.
YABU, i would be pleased that she was making an effort and that my ds seemed to get along with her. She could be a right bitch and resent your ds.
ha ha I think you've all hit on my insecurity and crap self esteem straight away, i guess things are just not so obvious when it's yourself. Yes I am totally insecure about my relationship with my son and it ,irrationally, does totally irritate me that she is so 'nice'. I guessn if she was horrible it would be black and white and very obvious that I wouldn't allow her any contact with DS. It's quite good to hear someone else's experience with frantic present buying by other ex's girlfriends, DS dad did a lot of that initially but has calmed down recently re present buying. I don't know anyone close to me in similar situation so is hard to get perspective. I do feel better about it all today. I guess it is my ego and my issues re the relationship ending that are affecting my judgement.
thanks for the feedback ...though I still want to chuck the expensive tasteful mug she gave him at her wall- just a fantasy though!
she's just trying to be nice to him... you are his mum and always will be.
be glad she's nice to him and he seems to like her, it's best for him.
How long has she been around for? YANBU if it is a very new relationship. I wouldn't want my son getting too close too quickly.
Unless she's buying your DS something harmful YABU. When DH and I got together I would pick up things for his son if I thought he might like it. It was never anything lavish but it helped give us something to talk about. Water guns, monopoly, a star wars pajama set that he insisted on wearing all day, etc. Be happy that she is trying to get on with him.
I do get fed up with assertions like "Would you rather she didn't speak to him, didn't talk to him and only fly around on her broomstick whilst they are together?". This is the other extreme and there are many grades in between. Sorry niceguy - nothing personal.
imo there is an etiquette to these things and imo the OW/M can easily step on the birth parents' toes. It just takes a bit of thought not to. imo kids are tarts around money and gifts and can easily be 'bought'. It causes all sorts of problems when, as sapphire says, the kids become very grabby and entitled. It is spoiling them and I feel the same about this as I feel about excessive sweets, choc, cakes etc. Which, incidentally, OW stuffed my kids' faces with <grumble grumble>. She was definitely trying to buy them and I'm sorry to say was quite successful, given that she is stupidly rich. More money than sense imo.
TBH I don't know how old your son is but if I were a kid I would not be bothered about a tasteful mug! I think you are right that this is about your own insecurity,and good for you for recognising it, but if you do feel it's getting out of hand and he's expecting to be bought things you could gently explain to ex and his gf that you're really touched by the gift-buying but would like to save it for special occasions to help teach DS the special value of getting gifts.
It is good that she is trying to be nice to him BUT you have my sympathies with regard to her being a former friend
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
The only thing that would worry me here is that if he is getting constant presents, he may start to expect presents all the time. We have had this with our 2yo dd, after moving back to the UK (she was born abroad). the family were so delighted to have her near that they brought something for her, usually gift-wrapped, every time we saw them. It got so she would demand a present before even saying hello to anyone who walked through the door (gave the builder a shock when she demanded to know what he'd bought her!). So we tactfully explained to folk that it was starting to turn her into a materialistic child, and we didn't want her to think that the only reason to be pleased to see someone was because they bought you stuff. This did not mean we expected them never to buy her anything, but please don't do it each and every time she sees them. It worked. I would be quick to ask for ex's and his gf support if you see signs of this, but other than that, I don't think it's a huge problem.
it's great she is making an effort - better that then being vile to him
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