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How to stop contact with friend??

(24 Posts)
joric Mon 18-Jul-11 17:36:26

what would you do if you had a friend who was very dominant, jealous of your other friendships, hated your DP, took offence if your DD had another friend over without her DS being invited, went cold on you on and off, constantly flaunted her friends, new possessions, childrens achievements in your face.... WIBU to just stop contact with her? I don't know how to end a friendship - I have never needed to before now! Any advice on what to say/ do please!

NestaFiesta Mon 18-Jul-11 17:37:28

I think you already know the answer. Just stop contact. No is a complete sentence.

iwanttoseethezoo Mon 18-Jul-11 17:38:52

ooh, she sounds a nightmare! i have never had to stop contact either, thank goodness - but i presume you can start by avoiding her phonecalls and texts, being very unavailable when she tries to make plans, etc. and hope she gets the hint!

Itsjustafleshwound Mon 18-Jul-11 17:39:38

Just cool it with her and be non-committal wrt meet-ups or arrangements .... she will get the message (I hope!)

If she does this, why were you ever friends??? What made you become friends in the first place and is it still a valid reason???

I ask as often friendships change and she sounds like hard work...

Tchootnika Mon 18-Jul-11 17:41:25

As per NestaFiesta and iwanttoseethezoo - and you may have to be very strict with yourself in terms of not giving in to (unwarranted) sense of guilt.
Good luck!

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 18-Jul-11 17:42:34

"I think we should take a break from each other, I am not happy with the way you treat me and my family and I don't think either of us are getting anything out of continuing with this friendship."

Tchootnika Mon 18-Jul-11 17:44:14

Magnificent - I reckon that would open up a whole can of worms.
Just cut contact, I say!

OnEdge Mon 18-Jul-11 17:48:50

You are ME !! I had a "friendship" like this and eventually I just sent a text saying our DD's could do with a break from each other cos they kept falling out. She over reacted and went nuts and has never spoke since. Its bloody lovely, I am free of the barmy cow and have my life back grin

OnEdge Mon 18-Jul-11 17:50:52

Fuck her off any way you can and enjoy the peace, she is no friend smile Then come back and tell us how it went, I want hear it , good luck, let the force be with you, you won't regret it .

Bumblequeen Mon 18-Jul-11 17:55:29

I have a friend who I hardly see now, perhaps once a year. She was never consistent- some m9nths she would visit regularly, other months I would not hear from her. I found everything had to on her terms. Also I noticed that there,was a pattern in her wanting to see me- new house, new car, big holiday to boast about.

I began to feel she keeps me around just to update me on the latest In her life. I have now kept her at bay.

wicketkeeper Mon 18-Jul-11 18:11:25

'I've lost some friends that needed losing, found others on the way.' - line from a song many years ago by an almost-unheard-of folk group. But true nevertheless. Go for it, you don't need her.

ramade Mon 18-Jul-11 18:31:49

I had a friend who behaved the same way. I came to the conclusion that she used me to make herself feel better, and woke up to the fact that it was a one way friendship.

Make excuses why you can't meet up, be 'busy' a lot and that way it will feel like a more natural end that you've outgrown each other. I think if you end it bluntly without saying anything, that's quite a brutal option I think.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian Mon 18-Jul-11 20:01:57

Nothing wrong with opening a can of worms, imo. I don't know why people are so scared of it grin sometimes it's just best to be honest. Hiding the truth doesn't help to solve a problem and it doesn't give the other person the information they need in order to look at themselves and decide whether or not you may actually have a point and if so, what (if anything) they'd like to do about it.

If we all stopped trying to avoid difficult conversations, perhaps we'd all be better for it. Or maybe not. It just seems a lot easier to be honest.

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 20:36:04

ramade- I actually think she does use me to make herself feel better! She is weirdly resentful of anything that comes my way and I find myself playing things down so that she doesn't get all uppity !

Themagnificent- My dilemma is whether to just avoid her in order for the friendship to fizzle out or to go for it and actually tell her that I don't like the way she operates! Still deciding!!!

It'sjusta- I think we became friends because she is actually great fun and very charming- she is intense though, a kind if 'suck you in' kind person, my good friends accept that life is busy, it's hard to have such an intense friendship and to be honest, I dint want one !

Thanks everyone... Another question- has anyone actually got rid? How did you do it ? Soft or harsh?!!!

Tchootnika Mon 18-Jul-11 20:58:20

Magnificent - I like your 'can-do' attitude...
joric - surely it depends on how long you want this to go on and whether you really do want to be rid, or are more interested in clearing the air/shaking things up/being the worm who turned. And, of course, how much energy you've got for this.
Also, if you do want to remain freinds with her (and it sounds as if she has her good qualities), maybe a more incremental approach - e.g. making known your feelings about her annoying behaviour at the time that it happens - would be more effective, as otherwise it'll possibly come across as random, perhaps misplaced resentment on your part, and give rise to a horrible mess?

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 21:04:44

Tchoot- thing is, I actually don't want to see her so softly won't work - I don't want to discuss our friendship with her as a way of clearing the air- I actually just want no contact at all... That sounds harsh but I dont want / haven't the energy for high maintenance .. It feels suffocating!

tulpe Mon 18-Jul-11 21:07:49

Joric - are you perhaps friends with my psychotic sister? grin. If you have anything which she doesnt have she becomes pathetically affronted. I sincerely believe that whomever coined the phrase "cat's bum face" did so after meeting her.

Agree that you should definitely cut this woman out of your life. I understand your reluctance to confrontation but tbh she sounds so thick skinned that she won't believe you anyway! I say, go for it, get it all off your chest and then walk away smile. I did the same with the bitch my sister and I am so pleased I did. Even though we have been estranged for 7 years now it feels so good not to have that toxicity in my life.

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 21:10:28

I have been thinking, I have never abruptly ended a relationship and I have never had a relationship abruptly end on me- my past relationships with men have fizzled amicably away! My friends are still my friends even though we now live all over the country ! Infect, I have never wanted rid of anyone until now and I really do want rid!!

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 21:11:06

Tulpe grin !!!!

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 21:11:49

Toxic is a good word.

emsyj Mon 18-Jul-11 21:16:23

I have only ever deleted one person from my life. I did it by avoiding her - making excuses when she asked to meet up, never initiating contact. Then when I had just about phased her out, I bumped into her in a cafe and it was really awkward, so I stupidly said, 'oooh we must meet and catch up!' So then I had to do the whole tedious phase-out all over again.

Was worth it though. Phase her out phase her out!

tulpe Mon 18-Jul-11 21:18:13

Glad to be of service Joric grin

Toxic is the most apt word to use. You know when a relationship/friendship is toxic when just the thought of that person makes you feel stressed and uneasy. No one should put up with it. Hope you find the strength to walk away smile

Tchootnika Mon 18-Jul-11 21:22:01

joric - It can be done - quite easily.
I've done it quite recently, in fact. Here's how:
Don't call, don't respond to messages - easy.
If contact is unavoidable - e.g picking up landline phone, just make an excuse to get off the phone as quickly as possible (the less convincing the excuse the better - don't give the impression that you're actually intending to call back).

And if, for any reason, she contacts you and asks why you're not in touch, just say (words to effect of): "Sorry, love, I'm really busy, and in a good place, don't have time for constant bullshit/backbiting/one-upmanship. Must dash!"

If you can't imagine yourself saying such a thing, then maybe she doesn't really deserve to be treated like this, but if you can - it's not that difficult.

joric Mon 18-Jul-11 21:39:25

Emsy I like ' phase her out phase her out!'

Tulpe and tchoo smile

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