to tell DD that this is not on and she can't do it?

[Ormirian]

To turn down an invitation to a birthday party on saturday with some lame excuse, because she doesn't fancy it. And then invite another girl in the class to her house for a sleepover the same night.

She thinks we are being utterly unreasonable. I think she is being rude and a bit unkind. In fact I am a bit disappointed in her.

[AgentZigzag]

How old is your DD?

[messymammy]

YANBU, that is rude, and will inevitably get back to the party girl, who will be hurt.
Tell her if she wants the sleepover,she has to go to the party first?

[LittleWhiteWolf]

Why does she have to go to this party? Has she already said she would? Because otherwise of course she shouldn't have to go. Do you go to EVERY social event you're invited to? How old is she?

If she hasn't accepted then YABU, if she's already accepted and wants to back out of it then you have a slight point.

[Roo83]

Ok to turn down bday invitation, but wouldn't then invite someone from class to sleep over. It's bound to get back

[OldRedEyes]

she was invited

she chose not to go

it wasnt a royal command i presume

[Nagini]

I wouldn't go to a party I didn't want to go to.

Was the other girl supposed to go to the party?

I think YABU. Why should she go to a party she doesn't fancy going to?

[Dorje]

Orm, we all do this - blow offs are a skill to be learned.

if she does it skillfully and without alienating the partygirl, then good for her.

It's a life skill: turning down an event, hosting your own and still getting on with everyone.

Focus on how you can advise your DD to kiss and make up with partygirl.

[Ormirian]

She doesn't have to go wolf. No problem with that. But she can't then invite someone else to her house IMO. The excuse either works or it doesn't.

It'ds a birthday sleepover so can't do the one and then the other.

She's 12.

[BumWiper]

YABU

[Ormirian]

Really? Would you not be offended if you invited someone to a party, they turned you down with an excuse and then you found out that they had in fact held their own party the same night?

[motherinferior]

Yep, think you're right; blowing out the party is OK, but then the deal is NOT inviting someone else round. Quite apart from anything else, Word Will Get Out. And before you know where you are, they'll have got themselves into a ruck that'll run on for years.

[motherinferior]

Actually I do think it's quite a good idea as an adult to make an effort to go to a party someone's invited you to. (Mind you I like parties.)

[LIZS]

is other girl invited to the party ? Seems very late to be declining.

[Ormirian]

Yes indeed mi, Word will get out. All three of them are in the same group in school so word with indoubtedly get out.

The excuse was that she'd be at the stable until too late to go - which is bolleaux as she often goes to parties after she gets back. And even she didn't, the excuse should apply to both things.

[LilyBolero]

YABU - if she had accepted the invitation, then it would be bad to back out, but you don't have to go to a party just because someone's invited you, and as such she doesn't have to stay in and not see anyone.

OTOH I can see that the person holding the party might be upset, so would be good to be discreet.

[Ormirian]

Thing is I think she knows she's being unfair - she got really flouncy and cross when we challenged her about it. Which is unlike her.

[Nagini]

Maybe the other girl wasn't invited to the party? Then your DD would be doing a nice thing?

[Ormirian]

Might add that she is one of only 2 or 3 invited to the birthday thing so there will be a biggish gap if she doesn't go.

[cardibach]

If it's her own sleepover, though, Ormirian, it could start later than the party, surely? If she isn't pulling the second girl away from the party, I don't really see the problem.
It isn't refusing a party then having your own party (which wouldn't bother me as an adult, but might cause pre-teen ructions) it's having a quiet night in with a friend. Different thing altogether.

[motherinferior]

I would be quite hurt now, let alone when I was 12, to think that other people were having a sleepover rather than come to my party. Agree it is not madly kind. (And is wildly impolitic. The sort of thing that leads to Partygirl snogging your boyfriend in years to come.)

[thisisyesterday]

yes yabu

she is old enough to decide whose party she wants to go to. however, she shouldn't use a lame excuse. she should just politely decline

if she then wants a sleepover herself and you don't mind her having a friend over that is a completely separate thing IMO

the only bit of it i think is wrong, is lying to the party girl

[motherinferior]

Oh lord, if it's only two or three this is really quite late to pull out. (And makes her own sleepover a Very Bad Idea.)

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Fine to decline, not so to then abandon her reasoning to get her own shindig going. Like you say, she knows she is being unreasonable. I'd say you're doing the right thing.