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Need to vent about my arsehole brother

(104 Posts)
CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 16:51:30

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <breathe>

I have posted reams about my brother before, some of you might remember. Brief outline for those of you who don't know about what a spectacular idiot he is... He is now 22. He dropped out of school/college basically because he is a lazy moron, he has never had a job for the same reason. He has had three serious girlfriends but has cheated on all of them in pretty poor fashion i.e arranging to meet girls from the internet for sex/trying to arrange for him and his girlfriend to have a threesome without her knowledge. He then (miraculously) got offered a place on a course at a music college in Brighton which he accepted. His dad (my ex-stepdad) funded the course for the first year and off he went. He has been sponging off mum/his dad ever since. He goes for weeks without ringing mum/answering his 'phone to her and only ever calls her when he needs bailing out with cash.

Cue today. He has been off to the Benicassim festival in Barcelona for a week. Got back today. Rang mum from London Victoria to say he was stranded in London as he had "lost" his train ticket (he has pulled this stunt before). My mum went into hysterics, thinking of her boy stuck in London on his own and she had a massive panic attack. I found this out because her counsellor rang me (she managed to get my number off mum) to say that mum was in a terrible state in her office and she could do with someone to be with her. I rushed about, got ready to go to her then got a call off my aunty to say that she was now with her and not to bother going over. My uncle had taken mum's car home as she was too upset to drive it.

I just called her to make sure she was OK and just about resisted the urge to tell her to get a grip. FFS, he has pulled this stunt so many times in the past. He reckons he bought his ticket before he went and has lost it. I reckon he did no such thing, thought he'd spend his cash on beer and mummy/daddy would get him out the shit when he returned. AIBU to want to punch my own brother squarely between the eyes? I expect I am but I am starting to hate him. I know that sounds harsh but a lot has gone on and it's been a slow build-up to this. I think I do actually hate him. He causes so much upset. When will he ever grow up?

droves Mon 18-Jul-11 16:57:33

oh he sounds like hard work.

No wonder your starting to hate him. Yanbu to want to punch him, ywbu to actually punch him...but by god you deserve a medal !

He sounds a selfish little twat tbh , you and your poor mother have my sympathies.

I have 3 brothers like this ...unfortuatly none of them grew out of it .

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 17:07:52

Honestly, I wouldn't feel sorry for my mum blush She makes the same mistake over and over by baling him out and expecting him to learn from it. I know he is her son and we do stuff out of love for our kids but I honestly can't imagine being that much of a doormat for DS when he is older. I could well be back on here in fourteen years complaining about him being a feckless little scrote but I really hope not!

RalphGnu Mon 18-Jul-11 17:12:36

What a dick, you're absolutely right to be furious. Sounds like there's not much you can do about it, which must be very frustrating.

AIBU for wanting to punch your brother too? I'm in a very punchy mood today.

carabos Mon 18-Jul-11 17:14:37

He's 22? And your mother panics about him being in a modern European city with all the transport and communications links, public services etc that are available? No wonder she needs counselling. You all need to ignore him - he'll soon work it out and if he doesn't, well, he doesn't.

fedupofnamechanging Mon 18-Jul-11 17:14:53

You need to tell your mum that you don't wish to hear about your brother - not his tales of woe or her anxieties about him. You have told her that if she continues to indulge him, he will never change. She has chosen to ignore you, so on her own head be it.

I know I am coming across as quite harsh, but I think it will be better for you to distance yourself from him, then you might not end up hating him.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Mon 18-Jul-11 17:16:54

I read your thread title as wanting to vent your brother's arsehole. A bloody good kick to that area might solve your problems, and convince my eyes that they don't need glasses after all.

Good luck! brew

ENormaSnob Mon 18-Jul-11 17:20:43

Yanbu but his behaviour is being enabled.

Spuddybean Mon 18-Jul-11 17:25:58

I'm with Karmabeliever on this one. If she carries on indulging him then i wouldn't want to hear it. She has established an enabling relationship because it provides her with something - feeling needed maybe, liking to play the martyr etc.

Totally over reacting because he is in London is ridiculous!! What did she think would happen to him? Did they have to pick him up or pay for a ticket? If so i would tell them to ask him for the petrol/ticket money and if he doesn't they shouldn't buy him an xmas/b-day present and say it was his return trip from London.

It is frustrating for you to hear this repeatedly and nothing be done about it. So you have my sympathy.

Dorje Mon 18-Jul-11 17:30:56

His life sounds perfect - and your DB sounds very clever -everyone bending over backwards for him - you included.

Your life otoh sounds terrible.

Why are you so involved with the dynamic? HIS dynamic?

Time to step out for a breather I'd say.

You have your own life : time to start living it.

SugarPasteFrog Mon 18-Jul-11 17:33:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 17:41:06

"You need to tell your mum that you don't wish to hear about your brother - not his tales of woe or her anxieties about him."

Too true. I reached an agreement with my mum about two months ago that I did not want to hear any more about brother's BS. Mum grudgingly agreed. THEN she does things like 'phones me, does deep exhale when I ask how she is, so that I say "what's up?" then she'll say "Oh it's Brother Twunting, he's done...." I say "We said we wouldn't talk about this since you don't like my advice."

So far so good until I get a call from her bloody counsellor. How am I supposed to ignore a stranger ringing me saying "your mum is in hysterics/having a panic attack"? Honestly, I would like nothing better than to never hear another word on the little nutsack. It would do my blood pressure wonders.

Spuddy we live in the Midlands so no-one could pick him up/hand him cash. I think he was expecting to have cash wired to his account. hmm

"So it was a huge deal for poor ickle him to be 'stranded' in big, bad ol' London, but it was fine for him to spend a week abroad in Barcelona at a music festival?! Is there any way that you could (gently) point out the irony of this to your Mum?"

My mum's counsellor said that she had said this very thing to her. Her words were "he got to and from Barcelona. He will manage the thirty-five miles home to Brighton."

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 17:43:48

"You have your own life : time to start living it."

I don't engage with him. I don't contact him, he doesn't contact me (mainly because he knows I can see through him) The only time we have anything to do with one another is when he returns home at christmas/easter.

Oh I am having palpitations just thinking about the logistics of Christmas this year. Time to book me, DH and DS into a log cabin in the Outer Hebrides, i think....

Shell85 Mon 18-Jul-11 17:51:45

YADNBU, If he knows what kind of a state he gets his own mum into over something so pathetic and childish and he still does it over and over then he deserves a good punch in the face.

Personally I would tell your mum that you will sort him out and leave him ti find his own way home, maybe he will learn something!

lalalonglegs Mon 18-Jul-11 18:03:46

Why is anyone worrying about what will become of an adult in London when he has just spent several days in Barcelona? I don't understand what the fuss was about. YABU to rush round because your mother is getting hysterical about nothing.

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 18:09:10

Lala, she suffers from anxiety attacks. My main concern was that she doesn't try and drive/become ill, rather than what caused it. I know how pathetic it is, though. Imagine how frustrating it is for me that this kind of stuff sends her into such a frenzy!

diddl Mon 18-Jul-11 18:10:27

But tbh, it´s your mum who made it into a big deal.

He´s 22-a lot of parents would have either made some suggestions or said-"what do you want me to do about it"?

And how is he contacting her when she´s in her councillor´s?

FabbyChic Mon 18-Jul-11 18:13:25

They have encouraged him to be a ponce, to get by in life by not doing anything for himself but poncing for it.

He won't ever amount to anything and will always be a financial drain because his parents have allowed him to. It is the way he has been bought up that has made him like this, so long as your parents enable him, he won't ever change, in fact he will probably get worse.

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 18:15:31

I know, diddl. She makes everything to do with him into a big deal. I would have just said "you are 22. Work it out." No need for the hyperventilating. He contacted her just as she was going in to her appointment, so she arrived there in a tizzy. <massive eye-roll at the drama llama-ness of it all>

Nagini Mon 18-Jul-11 18:18:09

People like you brother are genius. It never occurred to me that I could freeload through life being 'looked after' with no consequences. Doh!

I think the further you stay from this the better. You could punch him in the chops but your mum would be there with a spiderman bruise pack thing and some sweets to make it better.

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 18:19:39

Nagini grin Thanks for making me smile therefore preventing me from grinding my teeth to fine dust for a second!

diddl Mon 18-Jul-11 18:26:34

Does your mum enjoy the drama at all by any chance?

CupcakesandTwunting Mon 18-Jul-11 18:53:21

Well, I did (gently) suggest to her last week that I suspected that she might thrive on the drama and guess what? She got all drama queen on my ass. grin

nokissymum Mon 18-Jul-11 18:53:41

Unfortunately some mothers kind of feed off all this, it makes them feel "wanted"/"needed" in a very unhealthy way and part of refusing to cut the apron strings on a particular child, on the othehand, there is usually another child in the picture whom the mother believes wrongly so can "cope" alone, and doesnt need any help! this child becomes "independent" not by choice but through having to be a shoulder for mum to cry on and help mop up emotional, financial etc mess caused by other sibling.

Unfortunately if the neglected stronger child then decides to break away from all the drama, the mother's will tend to accuse said child of being "selfish" followed by more emotional drama i.e panic attacks etc, stronger then ends up feeking guilty and trapped.

Only solution to this all is to make the break for your own sanity, otherwise you will become totally drained physically and emotinally, and become "bitter" make the break now, please!

Firestone Mon 18-Jul-11 19:11:53

Don't suppose he goes to BIM does he? They appear to take anyone who'll pay!

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